This is why I write.

Sometimes you have moments so moving and intense that the thought of not sharing them seems impossible. It feels almost like you are not acknowledging their existence. That is my life lately.

Most of the intense moments aren’t mine to share. I am a witness to them. They are big. Some are scary. Most are heartfelt and some of the hardest and most defining moments in others lives. But all the same not my own to share.

But those moments are why I write to show the world. It isn’t that I think the world cares about my world. It is to capture what I feel in a single solitary moment as a human being willing to share her story.

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I walked into my house with my mind going its usual 500mph of what I have left to accomplish for the evening. I was happy and feeling light. It was show week which means somehow we made it through and the show is what it is. A load lifted off my shoulders and wishes to the world that it will turn out good.

I open the door to my kitchen and I walk in looking down and my house is quiet which causes a small alarm, so I give a quick glance up and my guy is standing up looking out the back window. I see his back and a profile of his face and if I could just bottle the feeling I had in that moment I would.

My heart wanted to burst. The last three months of each of us coming and going and quick kisses in the hall or before one of us falls asleep for the night. The boring, routine married life I dreamed of as a child. The mundane of my happiness in my heart swells my heart. I am grateful for him, for that moment because this is my life. I have dreamed of this life my whole life.

So many times we think love looks like the movies and the breathless meetings and protests of undying love that we would die for. I never wanted or needed that. I needed that stoic, strong man who showed up. The one who loves unconditionally, who stands watch over the world and me. Someone to protect me and my world and in that moment that is what I saw.

And go ahead and call me one of those ugh bloggers who blogs about her spouse and marriage. And you would be right, but it wouldn’t be for show because what I plan to tell you is that the last few months we have had to be a whole lot more parent/teacher/adult than a wife and her guy. Sometimes I even fall asleep for multiple days in a row without even an utterance of a good night.

No good night kiss? No grand gesture at bedtime of I am grateful I end each day with you. I imagine that is what good wives do. But if I am honest, some days I climb into bed and I hope he doesn’t even talk cause I am beat. I give a lot to everyone else and most days there is barely any left for me. So yea I wake up at 3AM and I wonder if he knows I still get warm fuzzies when I walk into a room and see him. I usually snuggle close and rub his almost bald head and I thank him for our life silently while he snores away. He is clueless that these thanks are given. But I love him and I love our boring, routine married life that I dreamed of.

That is why I write because of that feeling. That guy. That moment. That is the story that needs told.

To all the boring, routine marriages that still have those moments. Hang onto them. 

-MR

Wish I had the answers. 

I have been a stress mess this week and had a whole lot of I don’t care anymore attitude. It was so bad that for the first time in over two years I binged. I sat down in the span of twenty minutes consumed probably somewhere close to 600-700 calories. It was completely aware of what was happening, but I also was not. My head was saying walk away and look at why but it continued on. 

It isn’t that I am such a crappy place or I am depressed. It is just proof that old methods of dealing with stress die hard. It is probably the most stressful time for teachers right now. The weeks leading up to the spring break. There is a lot of work to be done; we are also looking at all that is left to do before the year is over. Plus our musical is in two weeks. All of that is the stress from work. At home I have my stressors too. 

I coped horribly this week and in the way binge eating works for me and my brain somehow it convinces me that the screw up already happened so I may as well enjoy it while I am down. I hit Friday and shame. For the first time in two years I was ashamed of myself and my choices. I was ashamed at how easily it all was. I have said it a million times that the losing weight and getting healthy has been a constant mental battle. And sometimes it feels like a war in my head. 

I know ultimately what is happening here is I have to demand and be darn stubborn about taking time for myself. I am not doing barely anything for myself other than surviving. Survival mode is not a way to live a healthy and mindful life. So I know where the breakdown occurs, but I have to climb out. And right now there are a whole lot of I can’ts. Or even I don’t want too. 

Whether it cuddling with my family and watching a movie instead of working out or going out to dinner with my guy. I have to choose what is best for me and right now the comforts of my family, the comforts of tacos or the comforts of a cuddly blanket and my pup are winning. The biggest problem is the lack of a plan. I am a plan person. I am also a lot more forgiving of myself when I can’t follow my plan. 

For me aimlessly going into a work week without a food plan, workout plan and goals I am a mess. I know this and I set myself up this week because it was easier. Easier to not put myself first and not have a plan. So my promise to myself and my family is that that won’t repeat this week….to help others I have to first help myself. 

Challenge Over

Trainer Lindsey’s 14 day challenge. 

I finished up the challenge today. Overall, I enjoyed this challenge and didn’t feel too put out by it as far as the eating goes. It doesn’t always follow clean eating which I am inclined to follow out of habit at this point. But all I did was clean up the recipes I didn’t like and that wasn’t too hard. The primary issue I had was with the protein shakes. I am not a huge fan of protein shakes and not as many as Lindsey required, so I followed the alternative. The Alternative of 1 cup of egg whites which I am not a fan of. I kind of just choked them down or added cinnamon to fool my brain. 

The workouts were good, but my calorie burn wasn’t as high as I like to get. I would burn about 150-200 calories. I suppose I could have pushed myself a little harder, but I just added in weights (heavier or after), or cardio additional. I really liked the workouts though and the variations and emails from Lindsey are so nice and I felt supported and educated. The faceboook group she has for this challenge is useful, not really because I talked much on it. It was nice mostly to stalk and answer questions I had. I liked it. 

Food was really good. Most days I couldn’t eat all I was allowed but I tried really hard to stick to it as close as I could. I did have a few lapses that were chosen that way. Dinner with my guy. Recipes are good and plan was super easy to follow. 

So what you really want….I lost 5lbs and lost 7 inches. Most of the inches were in my hip and waist area. Overall, I loved the ease with which this program was to follow. The low carb days didn’t kill me and I honestly felt the best I felt on them even compared with 21 day fix. Bloating was non-existent and digestion was perfect. My energy the whole two weeks was really high. 

I am thinking I may try the 6 week challenge now and I am almost certain she has a free 12 week challenge. Please let me know if you plan to do this program. I would love to support you however I can. I do miss my Beachbody workouts. 

WTH Am I doing now?

One of the people I work with told me two weeks ago about a challenge she tried and really liked. She knows me as I have spent the last two years sharing probably too much detail of my weight loss journey with her. But she tried it and thought I would enjoy it for a couple of reasons….but the main one the time commitment. It is 15 days and they are 20 minute work outs with no warm up or cool down…so roughly 30 minutes if you add in your own cool down and warm up.

trainerlindsey1Maybe you have heard of it. I had because I had actually saw ads for in my facebook because I am always looking at health stuff, so it is always sending those ads to me. Which basically means I am ignore them. 😀

But I came home and googled it. Trainer Lindsey’s 15 Day Free Challenge and I signed up. It is carb cycling by the best I can tell and is TRULY free. She does endorse a particular protein powder, but there isn’t pressure to buy. The recipes do sometimes include the powder, however, she offers substitutions.

That was important to me because my body reacts weird to certain protein powders. I have sincerely only found one that my body tolerates well and it is Vega. As well, I don’t always want a liquid diet.

So today is day 1 which she calls a flush day and so is tomorrow. But that basically means trainerlindsey2lots of fluids and lots of peeing. It also means restricted carbs. Thankfully, I have been really restricting my carbs since the new year anyway, so my system doesn’t feel entirely shocked. Ask me tomorrow I may change my mind.

The basics are meals are broken up into 6 meals a day with a guaranteed dessert part of your day. Everything is weighted and measured for eating. You get a full meal plan with recipes and so far…so good. However, as a word of caution I typically eat fairly good anyway so it doesn’t feel as it is much of a shock.

I won’t lie though the lack of carbs has slowed my roll quite a bit. I wanted to run today because it is 60 in February. However, I can tell you right trainerlindsey3now I don’t have the stamina without the carbs to do that. I may have had it if I went this AM first thing, but as the day has worn on…NOPE! But I have worked out three times. I took a long walk, I lifted weights and I did the Trainer Lindsey workout. So it is all good.

The workout does seem a little short to me at 20 minutes and I only had a 150 calorie burn with her workout hence the other workouts. It doesn’t seem or feel all gimmicky to me which sometimes these things can (Detox tea anyone?)

Her secret to lack of carb headaches….pickles. Eat all the pickles. Thankfully, no headache here. More than anything I wanted a quick, low-cal, midday snack….so pickles it was.

So yea I am doing another challenge again. I gotta keep myself interested per usual.

Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. 

When my girls were young I would gleefully share story after story and silly picture after silly picture on my blog. They were young, adorable and it was safe. Then they grew up, then I became a teacher and then I learned the world is not always so kind. I began to feel an intense need to protect them and their stories and I am extremely careful about each and every picture I post. 

But I am a mommy blogger through and through. I started there and my heart remains there. But clearly my baby girls protection comes first. But the daily challenges of raising girls in this world today didn’t skip me or escape me because I don’t write about them here. I wish life would work like that, but it doesn’t. 

But this post isn’t about that. This post is for mothers out there like me. The ones wondering, hoping and praying you are doing at least something right every single day. You aren’t alone when you sit next to your child holding their hand hoping for just five minutes of peace for them and you. The moment where you swallow hard and blink a lot because if you don’t they are going to see you cry and weak with no answers. The moment you wish they were small and their problems were teething and wanting more cheetos. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. Those are easy problems to solve. 

You are not alone in that moment when your child says to you, “I don’t want things like this.” The words they utter that make you want to fix their worlds and make it all right, but you can’t. Broken hearts, broken friendships and broken dreams. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest especially when you look back on when they were young and gumming a teething toy and non-chalantly wished you could handle their teething pain. Can I have those moments back? 

I mean I wouldn’t want to truly go back, but those are the problems I know how to fix. Instead now my worries are the ones that keep me up at night, sometimes all night. I wonder, “What if they don’t believe it actually will get better?” Or, “What if my words, hugs and assurances don’t actually help?” Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. But all of my hope doesn’t stop the clock from turning or their worlds from changing. 

I cannot stop the inevitable which is time, pain, wondering and worrying. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. But there is a positive in all of this.  There are way more good than bad and that bad has amazing lessons to teach. Those lessons especially once on the other side help us understand our own humanity, limits and boundaries. We also need to recognize that we aren’t alone. I am not the only mother worrying all night wondering if I did or said enough. I am also raising good kids who understand this world probably a little better than I give them credit for. 

Mothering is tough ya’ll – MR 

Week 2: Always Loses Its Umpfs! 

Week 2 of any program is tough. But-

“Persistence. Perfection. Patience. Power. Prioritize your passion. It keeps you sane.”

― Criss Jami, Killosophy

So your motivation is a bit harder to find, your excitement is waning and usually replaced by all the excuses why you shouldn’t exercise, eat healthy or put yourself first. You have to tell them all to shut up which is hard when you are tired, really want comfort food and want to just sleep.

But you show up for yourself because you told yourself you would.


On this day I tried a workout and did a repeat session because I hated it. 2nd time I still hated it.

Thursday was the 3 year anniversary of my guy’s MVD surgery. Things are tough there, but we are managing.

But I showed. I showed and I showed and showed. We gotta show.

Food & Sweat: Week # 1 Run Down

Well made it through my first week of diet and Core De Force. First off this program is amazing. Very few get up there for me like Shaun T. This one….I love it. It is MMA Fighting and I feel so strong and empowered. It is extremely hard and challenging, but I push through every single time. That means something. I tend to get bored easily in workout. I like to be challenged, but not the point that I feel bad about myself. Cause when that happens…I quit. Quitting here isn’t an option!

I am also doing weight lifting through hammer chisel when time allows usually three-four days a week. I love it too. I always see the best leaning out when I do this program. My bones protrude and my curves change. I like it. I also like how empowered I feel when I am doing these types of workouts. Basically, I like to work out. I hate it when I am in it and doing it…but I love the way I feel after.

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Pistol squats are literally one of my least favorite exercises.

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Flexing my best. 🙂

So this week was good. I did get some tough news this week. I didn’t respond by eating my feelings. I stayed on track and took rest days to rest my brain. I took two and I took them knowing my eating needed to be 100% on point and it was. My food this week has been my success. I tried new things and I tried to not get bored. Boredom also causes failure. I learned a lot.

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First, Aidell’s Chicken Apple Sausage is amazing. Scrambled with an egg or tossed with green beans even better.

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Zucchini Lasagna Boats. I made my family lasagna in the traditional way. Then I took two zucchinis and scooped the seeds out. I added about a 1 – 2 tsp of of my ricotta mozzarella mixture inside the boat. Then I added in the red sauce meat mixture onto that and topped with a shake of Parmesan flakes. This did not look near as good as it tasted. I did love it though!

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The way I succeed? I plan. I plan to a T to my workouts. When I have to miss one I plan my remake immediately. Somedays that means two workouts or sometimes it means it gets tossed all together. But I plan. My food plan isn’t as organized. I found last year when I did this that too much planning equals fail. I have options set up, so in a sense I plan. But I have easy option fall backs too!

Fitaversary: Year Two

Holy cow….I committed two  years ago to myself fully. To a dedicated 30 minutes to myself where I am first. Can I say it has been hard? Yup! Can I say I wish I was further in my fitness? Yup! But you know what? I did it. I am doing it. I woke up early today and texted my dear, sweet Kpuff a picture that I keep on my phone to remind me where I started. I will shorten and repeat. A late night text to Kpuff where I asked her to help me and that she did. A sign welcomed me to her house the next day from her kiddo # 2.

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EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY.

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January 2015 to July 2016

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January 2015

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January 2017 (And yes be jealous of my elephant socks..you know you are…I am cold!)

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December 2014 to June 2016

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Ummmm some things have changed. I have truthfully lost track of inches, pounds and habits lost and gained. I could probably sit down and figure it all out. I have gotten a new phone, so I would have to dig it out of my blog. But I found myself getting too focused on what I was seeing in mirror that it became less about the process, so I try really hard to worry less about that and more about showing up daily someway for myself and feeling good.

The journey has been fun. I have changed in so many ways, but the best way is how I feel about myself most of the time. Am I happy where I am at? Not necessarily. Am I happy here? Absolutely.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose you. 

Over winter break I did hammer chisel. I needed a slower pace that didn’t seem like such an exertion, but gives you the workout you need. I pretty much ate what I wanted with the knowledge I have a few things coming up this spring summer that I needed to clean things up a bit after break. Weights are nice because you burn more throughout the day and I can physically feel and see my body changing in more dramatic ways than cardio every day. I feel like with cardio it is slow and steady. Again this is just my body’s reaction and it may not be everyone else’s. 

Anyway if you have read here at all you know how I feel about Autumn. To me she is that perky girl in school who ignores the reality of the world and is condscending to anyone who acknowledges the world may not be perfect. You know the constant “get over it vibe”. I don’t know about you and your world, but sometimes you cannot just get over it. I have truly valid and legit excuses for not doing a work out. They may not be to her and she may tell me it is about priorities and she is probably right. But on most levels our paths to success don’t cross. But Autumn….sometimes she says or does things that just click for me.

Her portion control containers. It is easy to me. Sure when you sit there and look at a bunch of colored containers it looks daunting, but it really isn’t. You don’t feel hungry and you don’t feel deprived. But more importantly…you don’t have to count calories. But I needed Autumn in a way I never have before. I know how to do the containers like the back of my hand. But the downside to eating however you feel like I did for two weeks is that you have to rein it in. 

Sounds easy right? Nope people. Sugar…carbs…chocolate they are all so addicting you guys. I had two attempts of reining in my eating and carbs since Thanksgiving. Two that lasted a day or two. I still ate good, but little cheats here or there. Little cheats here or there lead to bigger cheats and then it is a free for all. But as I did one of the chisel workouts she said something fast and flippant and I latched onto it. I didn’t immediately become moved or even think much of it. I just had one of those “huh” moments. 

She said, “Choose you.” It just so happened it was a seed and it planted itself in my brain. A few days later it was all I could think about as we headed back to school which means back to everyone in my house having a crazy schedule, it means a new drama production, it means knee deep in college and high school curriculum and to add in my guy’s TN has massively been ramped up. Choose you kept replaying in my head. 

Well guess what this little mantra has worked and hence my revolution of two years ago is now my choose you campaign. When I am looking at food choices….choose you. When I am thinking about doing or not doing a workout…choose you. When I am thinking about getting up a little earlier for a workout…choose you. See how easily it works? Nothing like a little guilt to make the right decisions. 

If it isn’t moving me to a better version of myself it is NOT choosing me. Sometimes that chocolate is choosing me. Or sometimes deciding to rest my body is choosing me. Basically for me it works as a time stop, or a pause on life, to look around and think. Then I can proceed with caution and thought about what is best for me in that moment. So yes….choose you. We could all do that a little bit more. 

Now I started the core de force program. I took my stats and have loved the workouts. Well I didn’t love dynamic strength which is basically every kind of hellish push-up they can throw at you. But I did it. I modified and quit a few times with that one, but I can only improve. I am hoping my stats and before pics serve to inspire. I know they will create a story. But I am gonna let my motivation move me forward here. 

Wanna know my motivation? Myself. I want to feel good. My family because it is always them. I am playing a teacher that gets married in our school musical, Emma, and I have to wear a white wedding like dress on stage in March. I am having surgery in June and I won’t be able to workout majorly for at least 6 weeks, so I gotta go into that with my game strong. 

But my biggest motivation is so I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I can tell when I give 80% or 0% or 100%. 

So here we go (if you can’t tell from my photo here), even if I do sometimes question why I do this to myself. 

I choose me. -MR 

Rage against the dying of the light…

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First off….I love social movements, social justice and culture jamming. So for you my MR audience I am sharing my favorite version of all three of these and a poem that represents the feelings this graffiti makes me feel.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas