Summer Hiatus: Day # 60

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Today I had the extraordinary opportunity to judge a county 4-H creative writing contest. I also had the opportunity to sit down and talk about writing with quite a few of the participants. I am so honored to have this opportunity and I loved every single minute of it.

My Summer Hiatus took a Summer Hiatus: 58 & 59

Sorry I have been sporadic around here….My guy being home consistently means summer vacation finally hit for me. I have been able to do a bit more work, do a lot more family things and a relax a bit more than I have been able too.

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So grateful and proud of this guy! I am one lucky momma and wife because of him.

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You know that relaxing I was talking about? Well it happened yesterday. I had only a few things to day and everything in between was covered in watching True Blood. My latest marathon watching.

Summer Hiatus: Day # 56 and # 57 (This is how I got here)

So the day before was super crappy. I was so grumpy and for my family that means “watch out!” I was just adjusting to all the changes in general in my home for the last two months. Or as I like to call it I was being a baby. But thankfully I woke up yesterday determined to be in a better mood. The morning weigh in was grand and I hit a 50lb weight loss. I cannot even begin to explain how much I dreamed of that exact moment. I also cannot believe how much I have doubted myself. It was just what I needed to give me a little pep in my step. I know for a fact that it has been a long time since I weighed this and wore this size. I was looking at senior picnic pictures from high school the other day and I was shocked by how much I had even gained by then. I of course look at this picture and still see areas I desperately want to fix. But I imagine that will always be so. For now I am just trying to be comfortable wherever I am.

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And then you don’t lose 50lbs by not watching what you eat. And some may hate it and say I am not counting calories or think it makes them a slave to it. I don’t really care. It keeps me accountable and I am honestly so trained at this point I know most of the calorie #’s of the things I eat. I can go all day and just physically write it down and get it spot on. A huge gigantic part of that is eating eggs for me. I eat eggs all the time. They are my go-to protein minus protein shakes and more than anything they are versatile. But I highly doubt there is a day I go without eggs since March.

And very soon my summer hiatus posts will be ticking down. I am definitely in the final countdown before school. At my building our contracts are extended and I basically return partially August 4th. :( But it is okay, I love, love, love my job and every beginning of the school year I am filled with that “I can’t believe I get to do this for a living” feeling.

It is no Gouda. 

  The first year I had our now seniors I taught the book, “Who moved my cheese?” A book I had read at my first adult real job. A book that basically tells you the world feels kinder and you can maneuver it more successfully if you can adjust to change. But the book despite a kinda boring story ended up being a great and relatable metaphor that we all still use. 

“Well, what’s wrong student?”

“Mrs. E, my cheese is being moved and I don’t like it.”  Simple sentences and no explanations needed. 

So dear blog all summer long my cheese has been moving. I didn’t tell you and it wasn’t because I don’t love you. Most of the moving had to take place without it being public. But backtrack to the last night of school when my guy and I went to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. 

I told him that night that we had to make some changes. He was and had been stressed. Like a lot. TN isn’t caused by stress. However, stress is the biggest, baddest and most annoying triggers for his TN. I wondered if we shouldn’t explore other options for his job. We had toyed around with it before and even entertained a few offers but ultimately our hearts kept us here. But that night I said it out loud and it was as if I willed it into universe. We both agreed we would move forward with the understanding, faith and love that what happened in the next few months would lead us to our correct path. 

In that time four job prospects came about. He has spent three weeks away from our family training, traveling for work and then kinda something that was hanging out there that we didn’t know about snuck back in. It was one of those moments that felt perfect and meant to be. And just like that we knew it was time. Time to move our cheese and take yet another scary leap off a cliff. It has been awhile since we have made that kinda change. 

But ulimately I feel like it is for the best for all of us. The weeks of waiting and wondering what the right move was has been so hard. And scary. But I have a faith because I know love wins. This story isn’t entirely over and it may not be for awhile but it took us a really long time to get here and it will take awhile to tell it all. 

But for now dear blog readers my cheese moved and even though it moved and change never feels Gouda I think this was love winning because it always does. 

Summer Hiatus: Day# 55 Grrrrr.

My mood is lacking today. I am grumpy. Headachy. Snippy. All of those oh so fun things. I tried sitting in sun to catch some rays hoping for a boost. Tuesday’s for some reason are my Mondays. I guess it is a good thing the sun is shining because it sure hasn’t. But honestly I think the fact that it finally arrived and summer is almost over is a HUGE contributing factor. 

  

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For much of the last 11 years of my life I carried with me a pouch. This pouch was always with me and the thought of not having usually created a type anxiety that is hard to explain. Then as my diet changed I stopped needing it as much and eventually it got the point where I could go without the pouch. In the pouch is my 90$ a month for 6 pills prescription for migraines. I haven’t filled it since March. 

Since March I have had three legit migraines with an aura. The last time I took it was probably Mayish. Today I spent the whole day at work and by the end of the day I felt that old familiar feeling and it had me grabbing for my old friend, my pouch. At least it is super cute. 

  

I know what it is like.

“We have it in our head that if we fill our stomachs, we’ll fill our hearts.”
Kate Wicker, Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body

On my revolution I have had to evaluate where my relationship with food came from and why I think and feel the way I do about food. There are definitely two versions of this story. There is the one I created in my head. The one that allowed me to continue on my own path to a destructive health with little interference.

“I just love food, besides I am from the Midwest where the steaks are rare and the potatoes are big. Have you seen the corn?” Or the even darker side of that for me, “I don’t mind being fat. That is me and I am happy being that way.” I judge no one that chooses that life. In fact, I am jealous of the truth in the statement and others abilities to claim it because I just cannot. For me, it was the opposite of the truth. Those words may have easily flowed from my mouth, but never ever were they true. They were a cover up of shame and embarrassment that I could want something so bad and not obtain it.

I use the word “something” in particular because I am not even sure I can completely say what that is. It is to be some pretty adjective that describes skinny? Or is it my ideal weight which varies depending on who you ask? Is it this magical place that somehow makes me feel less longing for what I perceive to be a more perfect version of myself? I am not afraid to say I am not there yet. I don’t what that something I am striving for is other than just finding and being my most authentic self.

I imagine the moment will be magical when I do discover it. But who knows? Maybe it won’t. Maybe I will just wake up one day IMG_2169and say, “Okay, I am there.”

But my honest truth is I know what it is like to be hungry. I know how it feels to look at an empty fridge and go to bed with a stomach that feels like it is eating itself. It is painful and scaring. And I am not talking the kind of hungry that made me obese. That was not hunger. That was an insatiable need to never feel truly that hungry again. Operating from the mentality that to over eat is to ensure I will never ever feel that hungry again. So much so that at some point I convinced myself it was need.

In the almost 8 months since I began this journey I have recognized that need and sought out what I truly needed instead of more food. I needed to heal. I needed to tell myself I am not there anymore. I needed to face the scary parts of that hunger and find soothing in owning my pain. Running sometimes does that, or a workout with a Kpuff. Or a long hug and talk with my guy. Or a blog. Or a lifelong dear friend on the other end of the line. They make the pain go away much easier than over eating could.

No one can promise that hunger won’t rise up again. Life is far too messy and complicated for such a promise. But I hope and pray that never again will I fulfill the hunger and scars of that time by eating myself into comfort. Instead, I am trying so hard to find comfort from real and lasting things. Things like people and moments and feelings.

No longer do I see food in the same. I see its necessity to fuel me for the things I love. That doesn’t take steak and potatoes or extra cookies or sneaking through a drive-thru at 10 o’clock at night. My life just doesn’t look like that anymore. I love myself by the food I feed myself. Somedays it may be a small sundae from Dairy Queen. But most days it is just plain old steamed broccoli and a hella good dressing on my uber green salad with a side of chicken.

And I recognize that sounds pretty darn boring, but I don’t need my food to always be fat laden and calorie high to know that the life I have is pretty amazing.

Summer Hiatus: Day 54

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I posted some time last week to you all that my summer hiatus was still 5 weeks strong…And boy oh boy was I living in a dream world. Soon after reality hit me when I realized it is honestly more like 2.5 weeks and quite a bit of that time is going to be taken with staff meetings, preparing my classroom and preparing for some life changes in general. So alas the buying of school supplies has commenced. Anyone that tells you that teachers are unaccountable money grubbing fools who get summers off and can’t get their kids to pass state standardized tests are crazy! I spent a little bit every summer to built up what my kids need. And quite a bit of that is just standard things they don’t have money for like pencils and paper. Thankfully going into my fourth year at the high school level and sixth altogether I have had some time to built up to some of the fun stuff for my room that I just like. Like colored dry erase markers and colored pens. I do love me some new school supplies.

Summer Hiatus: Day # 53

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Love that somehow I brought my family on this journey with me. I try really hard to not make them worry about calories or panic about what they eat. However, this process and my revolution has certainly made them more aware of the things they put into their body. Sadly, I always put way more effort into what and how they ate since they were born than I ever did myself. But thankfully, that also means they eat fairly healthy usually. Although, they do love their cookies!

I bought this bag of Doritos for a 4th of July party and we never opened it and it has remained unopened despite offering it numerous times to my kiddos at lunches and dinners. It kinda makes me proud. I do see someone that would gladly have some if we offered it though. Hi puppy puppy!