Less of Me….It Ain’t Easy!

And I know all the wittisms that follow because I say them all the time. I never expected being more healthy would be easy. In fact, I like that it is not. A great internet friend of my mine always reminded me when I was feeling defeated about working out that I needed to remember that most people choose not to do it. That I suppose gives me some sort of inspiration because I have never ever forgot it.

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But it is so easy to give up and not do it. This week was hard. I had a long work week at school with several long days, meetings that added extra hours to the day and parent teacher conferences. Add in there incessantly worrying about my husband and trying to maintain some sort of normalcy for my family and I was just beat. I wanted to not exercise and I would venture to guess that anyone that walked in my shoes would likely not have blamed me.

Then there is that sneaky little voice that says, “It is just 25 minutes” and it makes it seem silly that I can’t give myself 25 minutes a day to focus on me. I did it. I even doubled up on two incredibly hard days and I needed it. It let me work off the steam and stress. I felt accomplished and therefore felt better about the whole week once I did. I see and feel things changing.

I have one thing that keeps me going and those are my stats.

9 inches and 9lbs

But can I just talk for a minute about how good I feel? Giving up the caffeine by far made this whole thing worth it. I feel like I have officially detoxified my body. I think way more clearly and I don’t feel like I am in a constant sugar fog. I am still pretty tired in the morning but I am trying new things. I feel like some of this is just needing more sleep or better sleep. But most of it I know is grieving for the old routine and therefore I am trying to create a newer and healthier one. I haven’t found it yet, but I am close.

We are on week # 7 of T25 and heading into week # 9. I connected with Shaun T.’s facebook page to keep me motivated. The way I feel is night and day to how I felt in December. I drink so much more water than I ever even came close to drink at all last year.

In short. It feels good. I feel good.

 

Saturday Fix Sharing…And I Suppose Less of Me.

Hello All,

This week’s sharing I clearly have one thing on my mind and that is my 1st round of the 21 Day Fix. I am excited for it and have been immersed in the prep. I am not going to lie the prep of any clean eating diet is overwhelming and hard to do. However, I know that it is imperative for me that I do it.

21fix2If you want to combine all of my prep time together of grocery shopping, cutting, measuring and cleaning the fridge to make it work then I am at about 6 hours. That seems like a lot, but the grocery run will get better. I bought all new and fresher spices, I had to buy containers for the week, I had to prepare the dressings and free seasonings. I won’t have to likely do any of that minus maybe the dressings again. As well, I predict I will get better at the prep once I get an idea of what we like.

My guy is doing this with me as well, as is Kpuff and two internet friends. We basically printed out a grocery list and we both went through it and highlighted foods we liked or could tolerate. I made my own, but pinterest has some pre-made. Then I looked up recipes for 21 Day fix meals on pinterest. From there I combined the the two and made a grocery list and then I went shopping. It took me awhile because there is some label reading. 21 Day is a low sodium/no sodium diet.

Then I woke up this morning and as a family we measured out veggies, fruits, dressings, salads, recipe fixins and snacks. I basically have 15 of every thing that we both will eat and21fix3 about 7 of the things that only one of us like. It is all ready to go and all we have to do is grab it out of the fridge.

The 21 Day Fix doesn’t allow for iceberg and in the interest of being up front I couldn’t live without it, so I purchased a mixed greens salad mix which is predominantly iceberg and I dumped it in a huge bowl and then I added a large bag of spinach to it, a head of radicchio, a colorful lettuce my grocery store had and romaine lettuce. I mixed them all together and then chopped them with kitchen shears. I made 15 salads out of it and measured them out. My green lettuce to iceberg ratio is probably 3:1.

Meals Planned for this Week

21fix1Now all of these may not happen this week. I have over planned on purpose because it will keep me accountable and it is all prepped ready to make on the nights when I get home from work. As well, I will bring leftovers to work and add in salads or chicken when needed.

I found a garlic parsley mix that is 21 friendly at the grocery that I intend to bake 6 extra chicken breasts in for this week. Honestly, I am excited to start this. I will update with my meals and how it is going.

Kpuff and I are headed out to dinner at Takioka tonight to celebrate week 7 of T25 and to celebrate our beginning of 21 Day Fix tomorrow. We are proud of our hard work together.

With that…Happy Saturday! Remember love always wins! You just have to let it!

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I have no idea what to title this. Update #3765 on tn. It is hard. Geez say something new right? He has good days, he has bad days. I wish he were more open with others with how he feels. I wish people he deals with understood more about tn. I wish the doctor would hear him more, and that he would be more up front. 

There are a lot of wishes mostly just surrounded by waiting. Waiting for the next appointment. The new pill, the new doctor, the new possibility or or even the newest let down. He hates the meds he is currently on. I hate the meds he is currently on. His pain has only increased. 

About three weeks until he heads back to the new doctor and we continue assessing the next step. 

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“What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.”
John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America

Not much needs said today in the stillness of the snow. Life dredges on, the sounds of my girls doing their Saturday things. The hope for renewal that is soon coming.

This my backyard. It has been going since 6AM. Waiting for a breather or a break, but I suppose that is Mother Nature telling me settle and be still.

Heaven knows I need a revolution.

Today I was super excited because I recently ordered the 21 Day Fix and tracked the shipment and saw it will be landing in my greedy little hands today via the fex ex truck. I was actually so excited that I stopped and did 50 of Shaun T’s switch kicks. (He is getting into my head people!). # 1 and # 2 jumped in and did them with me. And number one looked at us in her, “I am so embarrassed you are my mom way” and asked, “Mom, is this your new years revolution or something?” I giggled as I hopped around the room and said, “Revolution”. I thought for a minute and she shouts out, “I MEANT resolution, you know that” said with the most teenage angst she could muster at such an early hour.

I said, “No, you know what I like the idea of a revolution. I hate resolutions and no this was not really a resolution. It is a revolution.” She kind of did her eye roll thing and the three of us continued on some move I can’t remember the name of but you pop your foot over the other and it looks like a dance move. I even added some jiggy to it to make it a dance move. This is all about getting my steps in people.

I have resisted calling it a resolution because for me resolutions mean nothing. They are goals. They are pressure and it is ALWAYS assumed you won’t stick to them. As well, I looked up the definition to resolution and it confirms my hate for the word.

resolution: an answer or a solution to something

Is resolution a good thing? Heck ya it is. It is an answer or a solution to something. But that suggest there is a problem to me or that something is broken. I don’t have a problem and I am not broken. I don’t want to call my caring about myself a resolution. It sounds so soft and temporary fix.

To me this about a hard and steadfast change to my state of mind. I do struggle with anxiety and I know that when I do it can take me into unhealthy places. I know this so much that I have to be actively vigilant about taking care of me. I also always place my family and usually my friends before myself and end up feeling hungry for something I am lacking because I didn’t put myself first every once in awhile.

No where ever has this been more true in my life than when TN entered it. I have always made the conscious decision to not take medicine for my anxiety issues. But I also know what that means for me. That means I have to deal with my anxiety in natural ways via working out, diet and taking care of myself. When I choose not to I know it. I feel it. My migraines get worse. My body feel horrible. I get sick more easily and feel horrible more easily. I am so tired it is crazy.

So let’s take that bit of knowledge and look at it along side the definition of revolution. I know what is happening in my brain is so much more than a solution.

revolution: a fundamental change in the way of thinking about or visualizing something :  a change of paradigm

It is a fundamental change in the way I think about myself. To take care of my family, my husband and my job I MUST take care of myself. And I am venturing to guess if you are a long time reader you know I have been down this path with me before. I lost 55lbs in 2009-2010. That was a revolution and one I have often thought about late at night when I was trying to fall asleep. It has haunted me where the strength of that woman went.

But then I realized that she isn’t the same person. She had a life that looked virtually unfamiliar and to hold myself to that is absolutely utterly ridiculous. I have lived a life time since then and that is no exaggeration. But deep down in my soul, that strength is only stronger and that is where a revolution is born. It doesn’t go away or dim out like I fooled myself into believing the last year.

Project Less of Me has been and will always be a journey. It may have stops, side tracks or stall out, but it doesn’t end cause life changes. Sometimes I beat myself up for that as if I should be ashamed that I was weak. But I am not. Weakness is not my excuse, it is the kindling to my fire. The physical I have been and will always be able to easily overcome, it is the emotional.

That is revolution at its finest. 

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I want normal.

I don’t want a new normal. I want normal.

Sometimes I just need to admit this isn’t easy.

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#lovealwayswins

#tnawareness

#trigeminalawareness

#chronicpainadvocate

#tnsucks

I will hashtag whatever I have to to fight this stupid freaking disease. I will use my mouth, my writing, my love and will forever and always support this cause. I am feeling that incessant hibernating need I had last year in order to protect my family and my guy. If you love someone with a chronic illness and you start to ever think to yourself they are making it up stop yourself right there and thank God that you don’t deal with it. If you are tired of hearing about it stop yourself there and thank God you don’t have watch someone you love suffer. I am so grateful for this life, but I miss normal. I will take this new normal over the alternative any day, but I miss my old normal. Be grateful for what you have always.

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Just Write – Today I just can’t.

Three naps a night to get through the night.

A sink full of dishes. Homework. My own, theirs.

Waking up groggy, dreading going back out into the cold yes again.

A burning searing pain. It happens and I feel helpless.

Sometimes I pretend I don’t see it. Sometimes (most of the time) I feel too weak so I just grab on. I play the concerned game. Are you okay? Or even better, what’s the matter babe? As if I don’t know the answer to either of those.

The pain isn’t different. Nothing has changed. I hug him because I am afraid and I am more afraid he will see the fear I have. What happens this time? Can we all make it through it?

Or does he take three naps to get through the four to five hours before bed? Does he fill his body with meds that work sort of on a good day and on a bad they they are nothing more than a chalky sleep inducing medicine.

Some days it is easy to take it all in stride and other days, days like today, I can’t.

One step at a time…

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January 10th – February 16th 

Weight Lost: 4lbs

Inches Lost: 4 inches (only measured this the last week which means holy cow I lost 4 inches in a week)

Program: T25 w/Shaun T and gave up soda pop completely

Steps: 350,000/150 miles

How I feel: Honestly, this is me forcing myself to care about me. I am always the first one to give up on myself and I need to stop. My girls need me to be healthy as does my guy. It is time. Last time I went all health nut and got burnt out super duper quick. This time my goal is to have fun while doing it. I am doing that by being accountable with a friend. But picking to do stuff and eat stuff that is fun for me. And everything is a competition against myself. But nothing feels better than saying I have not had a pepsi in over a month. I have wanted to kick that habit in the worst way for the last five years and felt so powerless to the addiction. I am so super proud of myself and praying it continues to be as easy as it has. I have only had a few days where I was felt so close to giving in, but I did great by asking those around me for support.

First Goal: To lose 15lbs/up steps to 12,000 a day/Control Portion Sizes

2nd Goal: To lost 25lbs/up steps to 12,000 with elevation added/21 Day Fix Completed

3rd Goal: To run this summer

Ways to Achieve That: 

Starting 21 Day Fix in March

Stay Positive and Accountable

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The good of TN

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Trigeminal neuralgia has taken a lot from our lives and it is oh so easy to focus on that (read a few blogs of mine and you will see). But man the positive things it has done are amazing.

  • My relationship has gotten so much stronger, deeper and meaningful. I can’t put it into words to even begin to quantify my love, admiration and respect for the strength of my husband. I have seen him at his worst and carried him. There is a connection there that forever sustain us.
  • The love he has for me is seen at his weakest moments. He flawlessly loves me. He doesn’t care what the scale says, my mood says. His eyes are for me only and I can see it in his actions, behavior and mannerism. I am so very lucky.
  • The strength my family has gained from this is unbelievable. You learn humility, patience, compassion, empathy and sheer unconditional love when you love someone with a chronic or terminal illness. I could explain but again it is so hard.
  • You appreciate the good moments because you never ever know how long they will last
  • The bad moments all it takes is a look by anyone in the family and we know we all need to go into hyper protective loving mode. That means the menial every day stuff like worrying about the coolest shoes, or newest phones means nothing. It is easy for us to get back down to a stripped down version of ourselves.
  • My faith and comfort in my faith has grown exponentially. I don’t care what others say about how faith should look and feel. I don’t care if others have and idea of what faith looks like and my look doesn’t match it. It has taken me awhile to be comfortable there, but I am. As is my guy. We are two of the most faithful and spiritual people I know and I love that. Our faith and belief in God is exactly what it should be, our journey. Our private faithful journey.
  • We are stronger because of our weaknesses.
  • The moments we get to laugh about TN. I never ever believed they would happen. I thought it would always feel so sad and morbid and that I had forever lost the goofy us that made me love us. It is back with vengeance and even better.  When you laugh about the absolute worst with someone that is true love in my opinion.
  • I know more about the brain than I ever thought humanly possible. I know how the nerves of the brain all tie together.
  • I know how to advocate for my husband’s health and do so almost daily.
  • I know we can and will survive no matter what.
  • I imagine there will be more trials where TN is concerned and I imagine other trials, but because of TN we have a base all set up for all five us to build off of.
  • That at 40 (almost 41) and 38 we have lived such a full and blessed life where despite the difficulties I recognize and am grateful for the man standing beside me and our three beautiful girls that walk behind us. This life is good.
  • FINALLY…..I literally feel like I can conquer anything! There is not a thing, person that I cannot conquer.