You are doing it again!

Stop it! And stop it now and I mean it. This is NOT about them. Or them. Or even them. It is about you. It is about liking what you see in the mirror, it is about noticing that girl that has been hiding for awhile. Sometimes she hid in behind a pepsi can or fat laden food.

But most of the time she just hid from the hard stuff. Well because it was hard. But stop it now. Life is hard and how is it you have deal with a tough life in literally every single 3b0d49d6623e7dbaa94204fba1936a79breathable speak-able aspect but this one area.

The one area that is the most public and provides you the most notice…or lack there of. So quit hiding. And yes I noticed when someone pointed out your hard work that your first reaction was to try and hide it. As if losing weight is something to be ashamed of. Wasn’t it just you who said the 21 Day Fix isn’t about fixing anything? LIVE IT GIRL!

Less of me has never ever been about hiding who you are. Be proud. Be proud if you weigh 600lbs or be proud if you weigh 60. No matter what happens there is good there. But remember the purpose, the goal here is take a time of every single day to say to yourself.

You matter. And be okay with the fact that sometimes another work out feels like another work out. That doesn’t make it any less important or you any more likely to fail. The only way you fail is if you don’t show up and don’t do it!

And damn girl look at the picture again. You know the one…You passed by the mirror and you noticed. You saw the change. You felt pretty. You felt the efforts of your work. You didn’t just see it or feel it. You recorded it, so I know it meant something to you.

Be her. Be that girl. Not the one that followed 30 seconds later that told yourself you are so vain and the put the camera away. Yea shut her up. Journey on…..Love yourself because Love Always Wins! And girl get some sleep…you look tired!

Living by stats…

I kinda live by stats by now and I am kinda okay with it. I have to track my progress or lack of and if stats are a way to do it….SO BE IT! I know I am more than a number. In fact, I know I am more important than any number. But sometimes those numbers keep me going when I want to quit.

This week has been stressful. It is the mount up to Spring Break, it is our Spring musical and my first running lights and music stuff. Add in grading essays, just the general stress of a teacher in the spring and I am tired. I am doing great in the food department, but horrible in the motivation to work out department. I think that is coupling with the end of our Beta on T25. The downside to a program like T25 is the repeating exercise routines. Especially toward the end of the that cycle of a program, that is when I think Shaun T. decides to focus on ideal spots like abs. I just get bored. But are finished on Sunday with T25 Beta and we are actually going to move to Gamma. I am worried I may die, but I am also looking forward to fresh stuff.  I have done a few 21 Day fix routines and they are really good.

But this is less about all of that and about some stats. Tomorrow is the official last day of 21 Day fix and I see as a complete and utter change in my thinking. I see food and appreciate it much differently. Kpuff and I are taking our guys out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate the end of the fix. But I gotta be honest, I am struggling to imagine a life without my fix type meals. I can’t say I will be as strict, but I can and will say I have thoroughly changed how I will eat daily. I can’t really articulate that right now, but I will eventually.

Now stats for a few things…

  • 1st week of 21 Day Fix: 9lbs lost
  • 2nd week of 21 Day Fix: 3lbs lost
  • 3rd week of 21 Day Fix: 4lbs lost
  • 7 inches (edited to add 3/22)

I have inches, but I don’t have them tallied until tomorrow. I am just assuming I wouldn’t lose another pound by tomorrow. But The Fix didn’t fix me. I fixed me. I did this in January and when looking at those decisions in numbers you will see there has been a drastic change.

My Stats In Numbers

  • 653,477 Steps
  • 278 Miles altogether
  • I have walked the entire underground of London since January which is 250 miles
  • Daily Average for calories burned is 2500
  • Since starting the Fix my average caloric intake is 1100
  • My average caloric intake before the Fix was 2200
  • This means I am burning way more than I ever consume which equals loss…WAHOO!!! I know this but…..It is in real time numbers.
  • According to my fitbit I spend most of my days in fairly active (76%) and the rest except after 9:30 is spent in fairly active
  • From 10 to 5AM I am sleep and am usually inactive
  • I have lost 24lbs
  • My clothes are not even loose anymore they are falling off and I feel better, despite having more to go

My Caloric Intake since last go round of the blog:

  • Sunday, March 15 – 1103
  • Monday, March 16 – 1051
  • Tuesday, March 17 – 1144
  • Wednesday, March 18 – 1218
  • Thursday, March 19 – 1149
  • Friday, March 20 – 1242

And well…..I have found out one important thing. I love a lot of food I had no idea I loved.

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I am so in love with over roasted asparagus and it gives me a crunch I am missing. The recipe I have calls them ugly beans, but I have dub them ugly fries and actually switched from green beans to asparagus. I have had them about 7 times this week and they are amazing. You should make them. I have uglyfied sugar snapped peas and tried carrots. Blech! But asparagus is where it is at for sure! Green beans are good, too!

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And avocado, I have always known this was good, but now I really know. In fact, I was irritated because the FIX treated it as if it were a naughty step child. And I understand why, it is full of fat but I literally spent two hours last night researching the health benefits of avocados especially to working out and metabolism. I have no problem with just a half, but Fix only lets in a tiny small bit.

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Turkey burgers dressed up aren’t all that bad. You get the same taste and feeling from them as a regular burger but with half the calories and fat. Wahoo! That is good in my book. Although, I am looking for a yummy healthy and low cal bun because these are horrible. I have tried them twice and eww! They are healthy life something or nother.

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And guess what is 21 Day Fix friendly? Or at least I made it 21 Day Fix friendly…21 Day Fix Salmon Patties.  This is lunch tomorrow with a side of ugly fries. They are amazing. This would be 1 red and 1 green. I made three patties to have around. I love salmon patties. I used to love it with a huge helping of macaroni and cheese, but that won’t be happening despite quite a few 21 Day Fix recipes for it. I am trying to just avoid dairy altogether.

And with that I will end it. Despite knowing I am more than a number sometimes seeing it this way reminds me of how far I have come despite having much further to go. I am making strides.

21 Day Fix French Toast….

On Friday at work somehow our lunch convo turned into french toast and after said conversation there was a prominent image in my head. FRENCH TOAST, not only a favorite of my own but my family. This was the very first thing I ever learned to cook when I was teenager and it was the first thing I made for my guy. Need to say it is staple around my house. In my house we like it thick with powder sugar or peanut butter and lots of yummy warm syrup.

Well clearly that wouldn’t work so I set out on a quest to find a 21 day fix with pancakes. I knew I had seen several of those recipes. Some were simple and some were more complicated. So I woke up Saturday and tried to make one. I am not gonna share it, not because it was horrible but because I didn’t eat it.

I attempted to make it but couldn’t get enough browning on the bottom to flip it. I assume I messed up the recipe somehow. They smelled amazing but just couldn’t get them fully cooked. Here in enters my brain child….why can’t I have french toast? I can control what I put it in.

Now born: 21 Day Fix French Toast. A recipe I am guessing for most will feel like a cheat or too good to be a diet food. I just call it clean french toast.

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Ingredients:

  • Aunt Millies 35 calorie whole grain bread (1 slice = 1 yellow)
  • 1 egg (1/2 red)
  • Cinnamon to taste (this one is a freebie so go crazy!!!)
  • 1 splash of unsweetened almond milk – I have no idea how to even measure this but it was a dab so I guess I would say 1 tsp. Almond milk is technically a yellow but what I used would have barely covered the bottom of a yellow so I just did not count it and truthfully you could easily sub out water for it or even nothing at all. I feel like the good fat” gives your french toast the umphf you are looking for

Scramble the egg mixture with a whisk and then submerge your bread in it. The longer you let it soak the more souffle like your bread will be.  I dabbed olive oil on a paper towel and rubbed it on the surface of a non-stick pan and let it warm and threw in my bread. I browned it to my preferred consistency. Just make sure your egg is cooked thoroughly.

I topped mine with a 1 tsp of crunchy cashew butter and 1 tsp of warm 100% maple syrup. However, it would be just as yummy with some berries or apples topped with cinnamon.

Almost there!

I have the majority of the fix done and now I am in the last and final week of the fix. It’s purpose was pretty clear from the beginning. It was meant to bring clarity to the way you eat. Especially when it comes to things like “treats”. My best example was seeing Cadbury Eggs, a beloved favorite, containing 160 calories. It seems so small and harmless but when I compared it to my 305 calorie dinner last night of mahi-mahi, whole wheat wild rice, ugly fries (green beans) and roasted potatoes all the sudden you can see how that little “treat” is wrecking havoc on any sort of strides I have been making.

The best and proactive decision I have made to a healthier me was giving up on pepsi. I haven’t had one for almost two and half months I believe. I won’t even consider the idea because I fear I couldn’t control it. I may never feel strong enough again to have it. Before the fix, I had an occasional root beer or sprite. The only time I ever really want a pop is when we are eating dinner out. I hate water when I can’t control it. Maybe in time that will change. But I probably had three before the fix and never felt uncontrollable like I did with pepsi. Again when I place that in comparison to a meal I am currently eating. I was drinking basically a heavy fat meal in pepsi. This decision had nothing to do with a diet or work out program. It was the nagging feeling that I needed to do this and to stop making excuses. That is will power.

The notes I would like to point out that have changed since January 3rd when I made this decision is I feel better. I felt like I was constantly “chasing tail” basically chasing to stay away, get to the next period, next day, or next hour. I don’t feel like that anymore. My tired is a true tired. It is NOT a sugar low. As many of my readers know digestive issues have always long plagued me. I know I am diary intolerant. That feels almost non-existent at this point.

The biggest of all of these changes I have felt in the last three and a half months is the decreasing of migraines and migraine severity. My migraines are very much controlled and centered around hormonal changes. That will not change minus with aging. But what has changed is the severity with which they occur. I have had to take a half a migraine pill in the last three weeks and since January I have taken 2 including my half above. Before I was going between 4-6 pills a month and at 100$ for 6 I am grateful for that.

I also wanted to wait till I met my first goal for weight loss before I shared any stats and alas that goal came this morning on my weekly weigh in. It usually happens on Saturdays which Shaun T deems STATurday. But I forgot yesterday. I am so super proud of these things. Keep in mind not all of this weight loss came from 21 Day Fix. I have been doing T25 for 9 weeks. I also have added in making sure I walk 10,000 steps a day, and I gave up multiple pepsi a day and I had a nasty round of the stomach flu. Since January 3rd, I have lost:

Weight Loss: 20 pounds; Arms: 1 inch; Waist: 4 inches; chest 4 inches; Thighs 3 inches

Total: 20lbs and 12 inches

That is with making a conscious effort of what I am putting into my body. I wish it would come off faster, but when I look at how much that is over almost four months it doesn’t seem so bad. I wouldn’t be able to do any of it if I didn’t have people in my life who didn’t love me and support me no matter what. They accept me for who I am and what exactly my goal and purpose are here. They understand this is about so much more than weight loss for me. It is about focusing time and effort on me. I basically haven’t done that in a year. But I can’t love and support others if I don’t do that first for myself.

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The difference didn’t feel real until I placed this picture from October and put it along side a picture from Friday. I look and feel healthier in the later one. My lady doctor told me I wouldn’t see the entire pepsi weight loss for at least 6-8 months. He said that it will naturally just decline as long as I don’t go back to it and replace it with another empty calorie.

“Eating crappy food isn’t a reward — it’s a punishment.”
Drew Carey

21 Day Fix – Week 2 Complete (Almost!)

Well this post will appear a little more differently than my previous fix posts. I haven’t had as many pictures of my food because I keep eating the same things. I started off the week wonderfully and did amazing. In fact, I finished the week the same way. But my attitude got progressively worse as the week went on.

A few things happened this week that tried to derail me. And let me just say that derailment came from my own brain. I find as a teacher in the K-12 system that the weeks leading up to Spring are some of the worst. The students are overly stressed and emotional and my home is the same with three kids and being married to a teacher. Add in all the other factors like musical practice, golf ramping up, a musical program for #3, a chronic illness for a spouse and just all the stuff that makes up life. There is massive amounts of stress at home and work. It gets better every single year, but it will never leave.

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The most important take away here is that I stuck to it and did not give in. Instead in indulging in sugar filled or high fat foods I opted for the other way. I starved myself. I didn’t eat enough of anything. I tried to live in tiny bits of protein, fruit and greens that I could steam. It got me through till Friday.

I did repeat of meat muffins, chicken…lots and lots of baked chicken. Salad. Lots of salad. Clementines, turkey bacon and hard boiled eggs. I am consistently finding that lack of planning kills my diet. I also am finding that my family eats very clean and my cooking is very clean, but with one minor issue we are carb heavy. I actually already knew this, but I was under the impression that since I don’t get into rolls and biscuits and breads like my family is that I somehow I was missing all the extra carbs that my baby birds and guy consume. Wrong. I find them in other places like sandwiches, pancakes, tacos and so on on. I needed to clean up that part.

I was not feeling any of this and was so close after a particularly bad day at work on Friday to saying I am done. I told my guy, “I am hungry and I can’t do this.” I brewed a cup of coffee and sat down and drank it in silence. My work out partner text ready for a workout and  I was so close to not going. But I decided all this work and that she was counting on me being there so I put on my running shoes and left. Eventually what happened was the workout reminded me I am doing all this for a reason. We remembered we only have one more week left of the T25 program and somewhere in me a fire began to burn again.

In fact, the exercise I don’t believe is the problem. It is changing how I cook for my family and myself. I love to cook and consider myself a really good cook. Some of those things are going to have to change because of my own faulty thinking. I also know I cannot be bored with cooking or I just throw in the towel. With sweat on my brow and a workout under my belt I felt some renewal finally and I made my way to grocery and decided I needed something different.

fix1I love fish, but have some late onset fish allergies. When I eat tilapia my throat swells up and it scares the crap out of me. Some other white fish do this to me as well. I am just not sure which ones. But I love fish. So I grabbed some Mahi-Mahi and knew I could use my oven roasted fish like I always have. I went down the rice aisle knowing that I could hopefully find a healthy carb that would help satisfy me and got into the produce aisle and my favorite asparagus was there alongside a new kind I had never seen…White asparagus. I knew this would be my renewal dinner. And I cooked away. I even added an over easy egg over my roasted asparagus because I love that. Something about it seems so sinful and lush and I needed to finish a protein for the day. The meal was marinated fish in aminos (similar to soy sauce but better for you), whole wheat wild rice with quinoa (1 yellow), roasted green and white asparagus (1 green) topped with a drizzle of olive oil and garlic powder and then an over easy egg (1/2 red) topping that.

The meal was amazing!  I followed it up with a long and hard pinterest search to get me through the last week of this. I don’t mean to sound like it is suffering because it isn’t. This is the easiest diet I have ever done. It doesn’t feel diet. I just get overwhelmed by the planning because of just the natural chaos that is my life. I used it as an excuse. But I will post my caloric intake for each day. Just know my meals were repeats because I did what I knew would work. I also found happy to be able to cut a piece of whole wheat bread into half and have turkey sammies. That saved me this week.

  • Wednesday – 1155 (clementines, turkey bacon, toast with almond butter, meat muffins, salads, baked chicken, corn and pea mix
  • Thursday – 1420 (pasta day) (same breakfast, meat muffin lunch, salad, fruit, sammy)
  • Friday – 1116 (clementines and scrambled egg, sammy and fruit, gigantic dinner pictured)

I am going to make some pancakes this AM. I am very excited for that. I need to just dive in and finish strong. I will let you know where I stand soon.

13 Down/8 to go!

SOLSC # 12: Solitude 



Very rarely do I get a few moments entirely to myself where someone doesn’t need something from me. That isn’t a complaint it is just a fact of life or better yet it is a season in life. It won’t always be this way. But I specifically get myself up at 5-5:30 very single morning, so I can accomplish everything that needs accomplished for the day. I want to be that mom and wife. I look forward to it each and every day. I usually finish up chores I ran out of steam for the night before. 

I find myself spread so incredibly thin during the day. Especially adding in a workout everyday. But that is exactly I need it because I feel like sometimes I kill myself to get it all done. Long days at work and short nights at home. Trying to care for everyone and myself. Getting done what needs done. If only I could seek out a few more hours, just a few. Or I could survive on a little less sleep. Last night it was four hours and 25 minutes. 

This is all without any caffeine in my day. I am not saying this to say I am busy. The whole world is busy. Look in on any life and it is busy. In fact, a busy life is a blessing. That isn’t wasted on me. But that busyness makes me so appreciate the solitude of silence in the air or music in my ears as I start the day. Sometimes I will work out, sometimes I catch up on DVR but most of the time I focus on being a mom and wife and making their days a little simpler and easier. 

I often feel like it is still not enough and beat myself up for what I don’t do. Alas this occupies my space in my head. Sure I would like another hour of sleep, but if I don’t do them often these things will not get done. But the solitude is nice and usually the kids are left with that magical feeling that this stuff just happens. But when they get older they will know the sacrifices that have been made. 

Today my muse is writing because I cleaned and did their homework and my own and finished two loads of laundry last night. Some days it is not that easy. 

SOLSC # 11 – Sucks to suck.

So woke up and there was too much fog. Like the scary kind of fog that kills people. I was pretty certain no school would be happening and I was right. So I sat here and all I keep thinking about is how much life isn’t where I expected it to be today.

I am supposed to be in my 2nd semester of graduate school working on a PhD. But I am not. My guy was supposed to be better, but he is not. My girls were supposed to have recovered from a traumatic year and they have not.

But alas the world keeps turning. Normalcy of a new sort returns. I know we are all right where we are supposed to be, but sometimes those moments they creep up on you and they kinda suck!

The Fix…

The one and only thing that bugs me about the 21 Day Fix (well minus the copious amounts of salad I have consumed) is that it has the word fix in it. This is something that I have fretted with since the beginning. Fix suggests that something is broken of which I am not. I cannot tell you how many times I have hushed myself and said I think WAY TOO MUCH about words. But I can’t help it because I am not broken. I am merely flawed and it took me all of two days to see the things that I needed to change.

fix23Sometimes it is natural and easy and sometimes not. Mondays are kicking my butt. The time change didn’t help that. What I did notice for the 2nd week in a row is that when I am overly tired that I am overly reaching for the sugar. I haven’t given in, but that is when the urge is the strongest. Then I remind myself of the success and it isn’t that hard.

I have noticed my grocery bill went up quite a bit too. Mostly on greens and then trying new veggies. I imagine once you get yourself into a routine and know what you like you are good. I know I spent way too much last week and ended up tossing a lot. This week I did better and limited myself to two new fruits and two new veggies and I think it will work out well.

I still cannot quite master dinner either, for example, Monday we did repeat tacos. Tonight the safe chicken. That is why this post will not have a beautifully bright pictures of all of my fix meals. They are on repeat. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There is one particular part I have truly enjoyed about this diet and that is my ability to swerve around dairy. Dairy and I have had a long standing poor relationship and most diets want you to use dairy as a protein or healthier fat supplement. I cannot. It just kills me. In fact, I haven’t had any minus my minuscule fat free feta cheese. I had it the other day and my body had a worse than normal reaction to it. I won’t be doing that again.

Day 7 * Is my number off, I feel like it is and I am losing days but I go by instagram pics:)? (Red-3/Purple-2/Yellow-0/Green-3/Blue-.5/ Orange-0/1 tsp)

  • Breakfast – Two over easy eggs (1 red), 4 slices of turkey bacon (1 red) and 2 clementines (1 purple)
  • Lunch – Green salad (1 green), 1 tsp olive oil, salt and pepper
  • Dinner – This was the night I went to dinner with my guy for his birthday and we went to Wings Etc. For this I ordered a chicken Cesar and deconstructed it. I ordered everything on the side and found out I love black olives in a salad. Romaine Salad (1.5 greens), mozzarella cheese (1/2 blue), grilled chicken (1 red), black olives (.5 green) and then ranch. They brought me two small cups and I tried to eyeball 1 tsp and I came home and ate some watermelon (1 purple).
  • Water – 85 oz

Day 8 (Red-3/Purple-2/Green-1.5/Yellow-3/Blue-1/tsp-2)

  • Breakfast – 1 hard boiled egg (.5 red), whole wheat toast (1 yellow) with 1 tsp of cashew butter (1 tsp)
  • Lunch – Salad (1 green) topped with baked chicken (1 red) and water melon (1 purple) and 1 tsp of olive oil (1 tsp) and lemon juice alongside whole wheat pasta (1 yellow) and spaghetti sauce (.5 red/.5 green)
  • Dinner – ham (1 red), sweet potatoes (1 yellow), strawberries (.5 purple), watermelon (.5 purple) and cottage cheese (1 blue)
  • Water – 100 oz

I really needed to get to grocery this day and didn’t like anything I had really. But I hate and you can see it wasn’t my best day. My containers were short, my calories were short and it all just made me feel blah. It was because it was yellow heavy (even though didn’t go over my allowance) instead of my normal green heavy.

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Found out I like spaghetti squash. I haven’t eaten any yet, just a taste but I was looking for a pasta alternative. You can tell when I have pasta it racks up the calories. I wanted an alternative and I think it would totally work. I did try it Monday as a plain pasta sub and ick!

Day 9 (Red-2/Purple-3/Green-3.5/Yellow-1.5/Blue-1.5/Orange-0/tsp-1)

  • Breakfast – Clementines (1 purple) and 1 tsp of almond butter with whole wheat toast (1 yellow/1 tsp)
  • Lunch – Salad (1 green)  topped with chicken (1 red) and fat free feta cheese (.5 blue) and 1 tsp olive oil with 2 clementines (1 purple) – Tired of dressing so none
  • Afternoon snack – 10 Natural Almonds (1 blue)
  • Dinner – Corn tortilla baked in oven (.5 yellow) topped with beans (.5), taco meat (1 red), salad greens (1 green) and tomatoes (.5 green) and cheddar cheese (.5 blue) with a side salad (.5 green) and 2 kiwi (1 purple) all topped with salsa (.5 green)
  • Water 65 oz.

I went over on my blues today (healthy fats) but as I said Mondays sleigh me. I am hungry, cranky and struggle to get with it. Add in being at work early for a presentation, and a long meeting after work at my kiddos school. I didn’t care. I also missed my protein by far.

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Day 10 (Red-2.5/Orange-.5/Yellow-3/Green-3/Purple-2.5/Blue-1/tsp-0)

  • Breakfast – 2 slices of turkey bacon (.5 red), 2 clementines (1 purple)
  • Lunch – 2 pieces of whole wheat toast (2 yellows), topped with 1 small yellow tomato (.5 green) and two pieces of green lettuce (.5 green) and two slices of turkey bacon (.5 red); 2 clementines (1 purple)
  • Afternoon snack – 1 emerald all natural pecans (1 blue)
  • Dinner – Roasted Chicken (1.5), broccoli and carrots (1.5 greens), salad (.5 green) topped with low cal/low fat dressing (.5 orange) and 1 natural unsweetened applesauce (.5 purple)
  • PM Snack – air popped popcorn (.5 yellow)
  • Water 75 oz

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Found out this day just because a salad is pretty doesn’t make it good. This salad was a special kind of horrible today! Ewww! I ate half and tossed the rest. I think the popcorn score made it all better!!!!

Calorie Intake 

  • 459 (low because I went to dinner and have no idea on calories but I know I kept it clean and I did well so I am confident I was in my range)
  • 1098
  • 1363
  • 879

Okay water is clearly an issue when at work but that is the lack of ability to pee. :) Just being honest here! I also tried a 21 Day Fix workout and wow was it tough, but I loved it. I feel like it is way more targeted toward females and their problem areas.

As well, I am 1 pound away from my first goal and waiting anxiously for it to fall off. Then I will announce. I am completely proud and shocked by the number. But I get it. It does seem daunting when I think about how much I want to lose. But I know it didn’t get there over night so I work.

And because I can…I loved this tomato I cut earlier in the week. It was in the shape of a heart! It reminded me love always wins.

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Oh Crap!

That is exactly what follows after I realize I forgot yet another something. I don’t know what it is about Spring at my school, with my kids schedules and my guy but life keeps me moving. This is literally the first time I have sat down since I walked in the door. Between homework of my own, my kids homework, dishes, laundry and working on work emails I feel like I have barely breathed. I am ready for a weekend and it only stinking TUESDAY!

I am sorry dear sweet blog world I know you are busy too! :) Trust I will be back. Diet is good. Losing weight and feeling better every single day! My guy is improving because the weather is improving. I will update it all soon! I promise!

My love: SOLSC # 8



I know my blog readers are probably sick of hearing it but all I could think about most of the day was my guy. It’s his birthday. It was not the romantic, gushy I can live without you thoughts. It also is not one of those look at my life it is so perfect moments because in fact it isn’t. 

He is 41. I met him whe he was 23. When he was 25, we got married. When he was 27 we welcomed our first daughter, then 29, and 35. Those are all just numbers, and life milestones but each of them creating this web of love, faith and strength. Then at 39 he had brain surgery and we knew something was forever wrong with his brain. 

And I am weirdly not married to the same man. He looks the same. Talks the same. But parts of him will never be the same and I love him even irresistibly more. He needs me more than he ever used to and maybe that is part of why he is on my mind. I mean yea it is his birthday, but things with his brain are influx. Which means he is always at the forefront of my brain. 

There is nothing romantic about that. Small talk of anti-seizure meds and pain checks. Dinners where all we do is talk about the what ifs and we dream. We take more chances and dream a little bigger. Lunches where we plot and plan our future as best we can because sometimes the what ifs are bigger and better. Breakfast wheee we sometimes barely even speak. Two souls so harmonized that words aren’t necessarily needed. Instead the rare small wisps of hands at one another’s side. Or a snuck in kiss between a made up face or as the teeth are being brushed. 

It’s a blur, I know is it is my blur and he is on my mind. Happy  birthday to my guy!