Summer Hiatus: Day # 41 and Day # 42

summerhiatusjuly8thMy Sunday Night Ritual

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Oh I have trained them well. Book Store Mavens. The problem always is:

“How many?” and “Which ones?” They could not be more opposite on what they like to read. One refuses to read anything she deems inappropriate. The other wants to read any and everything that is dark ASAP!

But a day shopping and lunching with my # 1 and # 2 was a blast.

I am not gonna say…

“If I can do it, so can you.” 

Do you know how many times I sat a computer/phone screen and looked at someone else’s body and wellness successes and thought gosh they did it so can I. And I didn’t. The magic formula doesn’t lie in what works for others. It lies within us. It is trying things, it is trusting yourself and it is consistency. But more than anything it is trusting if you put the effort (Food/Exercise/mental) into yourself it will work. I made small even strides at the beginning and barely saw any changes. But I had to trust myself, the process and my attitude.

“It was easy.”

It has never ever been easy. Sometimes when I look back the process seemed easy, but getting there has been anything but easy.d017d65b648cbf3e155a1dc0eb5a1a4a Turning down work carry ins, ice cream or just giving into stress eating is not easy. Explaining yet again that you are trying to be healthy to someone who you can tell is looking at you like “It isn’t working” that isn’t easy. Running past people who laugh at you for even attempting to run. That isn’t easy. Wanting validation from others instead of yourself for your hardwork….that isn’t easy.

“You can’t be lazy.” 

Here is the thing, most of my weight loss has come from drastically changing my diet. I believed because I was eating a clean diet that that equaled healthy diet and I was wrong. It is food combinations, it is a distorted view of food for myself and what constituted healthy. It was moderation. Yes now I work out like a food. But my weight loss continues to always be changed by my diet. Period. I do work out a lot now. I think what happened is I showed up and worked out for myself. It made me feel better. Eventually I found my inner strength started showing as outer strength and I became addicted to the endorphin rush of exercise. It does help with weight loss, but more than anything it allows me to have some of the foods I enjoy.

“You gotta want it.” 

And I get that little phrase of advice and yes it is kinda true, but I wonder what the heck that means? Seriously. I have always wanted it. I wanted it each and every yo-yo diet and each and every day when I woke up and looked at myself. I am not sure I wanted it any more or less this time. I just made realistic goals and surrounded myself with people who would support them. It isn’t about wanting it enough which is what that phrase suggests.

“Here is my secret.” 

I have a lot of things that have contributed to my success. I have a Shaun T and his program T25. Which I love. I have Shakeology. Which I love. I have Advocare Spark. Which I love. I have Chalene Johnson and Jillian Michaels. I have podcasts. I have clean and paleo eating. I have a supportive family. I have a best friend who is beside me the whole time and a whole slew of other friends who encourage and support me. I have pinterest, intsagram and facebook. I have my Iphone and my MapmyRun app and my 5K and 10K app. I have it all. They all have contributed in multiple ways to my success. But I can’t put them all together or take them all apart and give my formula for success or push some product on you because it worked for me.

“Finally…”

I can’t and I won’t tell you what will work or not work for you. The most important part of this journey for myself has been to figure out what I like and don’t like and what works and doesn’t work for me. And I guarantee that it will work entirely different for the guy sitting next to me than it did for me or you.

If there is one formula or one take away I can share is that if you seek out finding strength in yourself no matter your weight eventually you will become comfortable in your own skin. Once there you have total and utter freedom. Accept yourself. Accept your body. Accept your beauty.

I just keep logging the miles and the pounds.

didit2Not sure if you can read that but 8 weeks ago my guy went for a run and as he was running I began to wonder if I could actually run. Kpuff and I used to do it quite regularly. I sat out on a adventure in my neighborhood and I struggled to run even a minute at a time. But I did it. I proved how far I had come since January. I never outwardly called it a New Year’s resolution. I still won’t. In fact, sometimes I refer to it as My Revolution (per my # 1) because in January after about two months of painful dental work, looking in the mirror and feeling like crap I realized things had to change. I was afraid though. It was so scary. I am not sure why because all it was was getting up and moving and trusting myself. It was thinking more about the things I put into my body.

I knew it needed to happen because my weight had ballooned over 200lbs. I have never said that out loud. Since I was kid 200 always had been in my mind as my stopping point. The point at which I say enough is enough. Earlier in 2014, I decided I would just live the life of an over 200lber and find my happiness. But then I see pictures of myself and I know that I was trying to convince myself that I was happy despite the universe telling me I wasn’t. I literally spent last summer trying to not sweat and no I am not joking. I am currently still on a weekly fluoride treatment to save my teeth from all the years of pop and abuse with poor dieting. Trying to save my teeth. But something in me changed when I stepped on the scale and saw 210. I text Kpuff that night asking if she was interested in trying something with me.

I cry thinking of how supportive she has always been to me and of course she quickly responded with, “Sure, Where do you want to do it?” When we were working out before she tried to get me to work out with her in the basement. I resisted on this idea it had to be done in a gym (not dogging gyms here you will see). I told her can we try the basement workouts and then see what we think and decide. I was giving us both an out. But what happened was magic. I loved the workouts because I could give my absolute all and not worry about how I looked or having an audience if I failed miserably. Before I knew it we had graduated from T25 and moved onto just random programs which I love the switch up. We threw 21 day fix in there after some progress run1physically and I taught myself how to eat and Kpuff again supported me and loved me up the whole way. I seemed to figure out the magical answer to weight loss for me. Portions. Good calories and physical activity. I found myself needing to heal whatever emotionally took place that allowed me to get this bad.

In May I began to run. I do my daily workouts with Kpuff and I give it 110% every single workout and then the running began to give me time to work on how and why I was staring at 210 on the scale. I am not sure that journey is entirely over. But what began to happen was I began to support myself and see and touch my own limits. I began to become my very own cheerleader and letting love win for me. I preach it, sometimes it is harder to live it. I downloaded a 5k program and began to train on it and would still run/walk daily to ensure I got the time to myself. Sometimes I listen to music (Eminem of course) and sometimes I listen to podcasts or Ted Talks. No matter what I have in my ears it is something that is making me feel better about myself.

The battle has been hard fought and it so far from over. But what has happened since starting my Revolution is I have come out of my shell. I started this process wanting to be inward and not have anyone witness this. To wanting to share it with the world and sometimes unintentionally sharing it with the world. And I am not dogging gyms but there was a huge value to me to see that all of my fitness has taken place within a mile of my home. I can say that because Kpuff lives about a half a mile from me. doingthis1As well, all of my runs have been within a mile of my own home.

Along the way I have had neighbors come out and high five me and congratulate me for doing this. I have had many neighbors come out and compliment me on perseverance and focus by running in all elements and temps and being dedicated to it daily. They now get worried about me if they don’t see me. I have had teenagers make fun of me and I have had the mean neighbor lady who seems quite determined to run me over with her car. Each time I feel like she wants to play chicken as I round her drive way and she is pulling in. The bigger point here is I run with the possibility of others seeing me and not being ashamed of my body. This is huge for me.

But yesterday was a big day. Or I thought it would be. I knew I had one day left of my 5K program I have been working on for 6 weeks. It was running 3 miles without stopping. I thought the magic was in the air. Kpuff and I have been testing Insanity Max30 which is killer and I always put our workouts above my runs. So this weeks runs have been more jogs and walks and I was completely fine with it. But we took our rest yesterday so we could take kiddos to the pool. I thought for sure I would graduate the program last night because of the day of rest sitting by the pool. Then my guy said he wanted to sit outside and asked if it would be okay since I was running. I have a huge phobia of him seeing me workout and I am not sure. I kinda got over it last week when he saw me for a few and I threw an upper cut at him. But this was him sitting in our driveway and watching each and every lap.

It had the makings of one of those Rocky movie moments. I just knew it would happen. I was half way into my 4 lap run and I began didit1to feel so gross. I felt pukey. I tried to push passed and as I ran passed him I waved. And I headed into the third lap and I made it to what I have deemed puke point. There have been a few times where I was sure I would barf and this is away from everyone and in a ditch. My stomach was in so much pain so I turned around. I walked back and my guy was so shocked to see me. I began to cry because I couldn’t hide my disappointment from him.

I did grab my phone which is a weird time to take a photo but I want to be sure I document this whole journey because it is NOT easy and I have worked so hard for each and every gain and loss. I snapped a photo. It was a raw moment. I felt disappointed. I was determined to sit for a few and let my stomach settle and took a tums and gave it 20 and tried again and immediately the stomach acid came up. I just quit. I went back and grabbed my puppy and took her for a walk and decided I would try again this AM.

I woke up determined. I am an English teacher so I relish often in the symbolism in life. The fact that today is the fourth of July and celebrates freedom felt like the perfect day to make this happen. And guess what…it did. I went out there and unlike my last run where I had to constantly tell myself to “handle it” and play Eminem over and over I did not have too. I went out there and remembered Shaun T’s advice. He always says, “When you feel like you want to quit, do more.” So I did more. I ran three miles ladies and gents. I beat my program and I went one step further and didn’t stop when it said I could. I kept running determined to run the full 5k without my warm ups in there. That moment is exactly why I have to do this. I have to do it because what it is doing for me emotionally far outweighs the physical aspects of weight loss. I am proving I can rely on myself and the things my body can do. I already downloaded the proceeding 10K app and I am not stopping. I am not going for a marathon.I am going for constantly proving to myself I can go so much further than I ever believed I could.

And with that since I have shared where I started this journey I am also going to share where it is now and my goals going forward. Please forgive me for such a long post but I have a lot to say and my weight loss posts where I overcome continually get my highest views. So it is time for reality and being even more accountable to myself and to you guys.

My Gains and Losses

  • 210lbs 1/3/15 –> 164lbs as of 7/4/15
  • Size 20 and XL –> Size 6 and M and Small in some things
  • 36 inches lost (including additions for muscle gains)
  • Run for less 1 minute to running 3 miles

My Goals

  • I would like to weigh 145lbs (healthy weight for me according to my doctor)
  • I would like to be in the healthy category in my BMI
  • I would like to run 5 miles continuously
  • I would like to complete Insanity Max 30
  • I would like to have arm muscles and no wings with stretched out skin
  • I would like to walk/run/jog 150 miles in July

transformationwow

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Summer Hiatus: Day # 36 & 37

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This summer has definitely been a blur of My Little Pony and Shopkins. Don’t know what shopkins are? Well I suggest my fine friends you google them. They are adorable and small which basically means they end up in the weirdest places. I think we are 4 for 4 of being left at Kpuff’s. Probably 6 for 6 at Grammy’s and I don’t even want to think about how many are hiding in awkward weird places in my house.

summerhiatus37And softball season is kinda starting to wind down. But that also means I have not officially seen my girl play ball yet this season. I have seen her run 6 times. Last night I saw her run at a game. Which is actually still fun. She is fast which is why she is a pinch runner. She is sneaky and aggressive and gets the job done moving runners ahead of her and herself. But that also irritates others I guess. Last night, a girl on the other team decided to all out push her off a base. She pushed her at her shoulder. Mama Bear was in full Mama Bear Mode. Thankfully, her coach was more aggressive than me. She was so very close to being healed last week and she went to practice and had “too much repetitive action” and her injury took a turn and she is back on restriction. She basically has an inflamed muscle that is so inflamed it rubs against her shoulder bone and becomes more inflamed. She has lost range of motion and has nerve/tendon pain because of it. She basically needs to rest it. And she does, but the second she uses it again she inflames it. Which in turn inflames her other muscles in the similar area. This week though she was released for some cleaning and waxing (the PT used Karate Kid references). We shall see how it progresses.

 

Summer Hiatus: Day # 35

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If I could share, I would show an awesome picture of my awesome students I got to see today. It is so nice to see them during the summer because something magical happens to them in the summer. Our program is an early college program and it is hard. They are at times taking a 36 credit load in a full school day schedule and that is hard stuff. I know they will be better for it, they know they will be better for it, but when they are all in the midst of it let’s talk about the stress they carry. Add in that they are teenagers and attempting at normal teenage lives. So seeing them when school isn’t in session and they are being “normal” teenagers is nice. They smile at lot more. I am very lucky I do what I love. But since I can’t share a pic just imagine smiley faces all around and lots of giggles and yearbook editing between. It gives you one of those feelings when you walk away that says, “I am lucky.” I know this though.

Since we can’t see that moment any other way other than words let’s look at my second best moment of the day. My attitude yesterday was bad. My attitude tried to beat me this AM and I didn’t let it. I decided to run. I know some people would see this time and recognize it is slow. And it is. I don’t do this for marathon training. I don’t run because I had some great hope to be in some big race or so that I have something to talk about with other runners. It was only today that I even realized what PR actually means. I don’t get the lingo and I am not sure I am on a path of wanting or needing that.

My path is instead solely on becoming a better me. Running continues to be spiritually and emotionally healing to me. I compete with no one. I am not trying to be better than my friends on Map My Run or Facebook. Not to mention it gives me focus. Like yesterday and today my attitude has been crappy because I have little control in the what if’s and I hate it. I feel like I internally pout about that stuff.

Well focusing on my run for three miles this morning refocused me. It reminds me I can only control what I can control and that is what is right in front of me. The bonus is the calorie burn which aligns quite nicely with my goals right now. And I got to do that run with my new garmin watch. My fitbit has been over used and abused and it was time to move to the next stage of fitness so I did. I wasn’t looking for something super fancy or too basic. It does everything my fit bit but has the ability to look at runs so I can physically see myself getting better.

So yea my day got better. I didn’t let it suck!

Slice of Life Tuesday: Tuesday won’t suck!

I try and live my life right. And for the most part I do. But every once in awhile the darkness or clouds creep in and keep me in check. Sometimes I feel too positive or too happy as if I am ignoring all that is wrong with the world and I feel like I have established that doesn’t work for me. I hate that feeling of sweeping it all under the rug. It is isn’t healthy.

I am not one to share my students stuff but I got this the other day from a student and it moved me to my core. It is how I try and live my life and it certainly is what I preach in my classroom and more importantly in my own home with my children. But on days where I do anything but it was nice to have this reminder.

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Days like yesterday. The clouds are trying to creep in on my day already on this Tuesday. I am an hour and half into it and one coffee and I feel it. So I dug this out and I am determined that today it will not beat me. I will beat it. This isn’t a weight loss thing or a hormonal thing or any kind of a thing. It is just acknowledging that this Tuesday is trying to suck and I will not let it.

I am sore, I am beaten down mentally and physically. I am struggling with being bored with the things in my diet. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.  But I am determined to make an impact or a difference on today. It will happen because I declared it. I will let you know how it goes!

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Slice of Life Challenge

Summer Hiatus: Day # 32 Love ALWAYS wins

And yes I am yelling. If you read the moniker Love Always Wins or Love Wins were likely used long before I ever started using them on the blog almost a little less than 2 years ago. I know they are used at Momastery (which I love by the way) and I know they are are part of the No Hate Campaign and hashtags all over social media. That is not and never was why I used them.

And I get it, but over a year ago I sat in my husband’s dark and silent hospital room feeling absolutely helpless and the only thing I could really offer him other than prayers was my love. And it truthfully felt so strong and powerful to move mountains. It still does maybe even more than that. I began truly thinking about all the times in my life that things felt difficult and hard. I realized when I lead with my heart and with my love that usually what followed seemed easier to bear. I also realized that my love cannot be extracted from my faith. They go hand in hand. It is a belief in something better and bigger than me. It felt original to me in that deep and dark moment. I didn’t know till weeks later it wasn’t an original thought.

So I didn’t use the phrase because it is a popular part of culture or because some hashtag on twitter said too. As I said earlier in the week my family is in the midsts of life and love winning is at the very forefront of that life. We need love to win.

Yesterday was especially sentimental to me. When I went to bed last night my world was right and I know enough to recognize that. Love was in tact. My faith stronger than ever. So when I woke up abruptly to storms and sun and rainbows and winds and warmth and cold I recognized this is love winning.

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Somedays are worth the fight of who is right and who is wrong and so much being thrown around on social media was and is just not something I intended to get into yesterday, today or tomorrow. My life and my love has taught me one thing and that is put your energy where it matters. And right now it is with my family and love winning.

#LOVEALWAYSWIN #ICREATEDMYOWNMEANING