What I was trying to say and didn’t.

Is that this journey has never been about losing weight. It was about me forcing myself to make time for me. I worry too much about every one else to the point there is often nothing left for me. I let that happen. I am there again. Grateful my eating is on point or this conversation would be very different.

But the last three weeks I have been handed a lot. A lot of things I cannot even come close to discussing here on the blog, but not because I don’t want to. But because they aren’t mine to share. But it has forced me into hyper protection mode and I feel consumed with that need to protect my family and friends. It feels like sometimes there is just always going to be those challenges in my life and the fact that I need to remain quiet makes it seem so much more dramatic than it is.  But honestly, it is a speed bump. A blip on the radar. But it is ALL consuming. Thankfully, I know what I am doing and will be the momma, wife and friend that God entrusted me to be.

But a super exciting thing I am doing is working on a huge project I intend to accomplish next summer. I guess I get bored in the summer, so I create these gigantic things that seem impossible to make happen when looking at the hole of them. But then somehow I put my mind to it and I do it. Well I am there again. I am planning something so amazing that I cannot wait to share. It will bless my family. It will bless me. It will bless my position. But it does have to wait. There is a lot more territory that has to be covered before I can even begin to think of sharing any of it. But what I can tell you that it has consumed any and all of my down time which I have very little of.

Oh and graduation. Yes graduation. I am the junior/senior class sponsor so yea our inaugural graduation is happening in June so of course it is all I can think about and do. I It is basically like planning a wedding, but with dignitaries. Thankfully, I work with awesome people and I am not handling anything alone. Oh and our first prom…yea that is in April. Planning that too. Wedding like too. But again same thing. Awesome co-workers who help so very much! We are a great supportive bunch and for that I am grateful.

Ahhh I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have a full plate. I am so very grateful I love my family. I love my job. I love that I have been placed in such amazing places. It makes the difficult times feel a little less difficult. And trust me I won’t ever paint a picture that they aren’t.

TN has re-emerged. AKA the summer remission has ended. We will see what that means. For now, the pain is manageable with the smaller dose of meds. I pray and hope that is the only conversation we have about this. It was nice breathing for a few months where I didn’t sit on edge worried. Not that the worry ever goes away. It doesn’t. But the seasonal remission let us feel normal for a few months.

Every school year I tackle a new goal. The first year at my current school year it was tackling how to teach high school. The next year was tackling how to work with co-workers effectively. The following was conquering being a dual credit English teacher which is basically a college instructor in a room full of 16-17 year olds. That sounds easy, but it is NOT the same as a room full of 18-70 year olds. This year it is about balancing work and family life. This has needed to happen for awhile. I have to start saying no more and being okay with it.

So yes I could use every single one of these as an excuse not to show up for myself every day. I have so many students that need me and my attention. I have a job and a leadership role there that needs my attention. I have a family that needs my attention. But I have to remember I cannot be there for any of them like I need to be if I am not giving myself 100% first. Other wise they get the tired, unhealthy version of me that really just wants another piece of crappy food, more caffeine and to survive minute to minute. This is about surviving life as the absolute best version of myself that I can create and maintain every single day. That doesn’t happen if I complain my way through every single day.

I must surround myself with people that support that goal and that are supportive when I am not my best version of myself.

Love is kind.

Love is patient.

Love always wins.

You just have to let it. 

And today I am proud because I am strong. I am loved and I am needed.

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I lost two pounds…so what?

I knew this would happen and it took less time than I imagined. I tried to combat it, but at some point I gave in. I gave more and more of my time and effort to others and less and less time to myself. That is why the Revolution started. It was and has been about making sure a part of my day was dedicated to being the best me mentally, emotionally and physically. I went from spending about 2-3 hours a day on me (combined) to struggling to even afford myself half an hour. 

This week school started and I am taking an Internet course which means a lot more self discipline. I have the convenience of not going to campus, but time is way more demanding. I can’t just sign onto blackboard once and be done. It is multiple times a day. I also have been bringing way too much work home. I got really good about not doing that much last year, but this year I feel absolutely swamped. I can’t figure out why and I am trying to eliminate what I can or I have flat out started saying no. But that always sounds better in writing than when it actually plays out. 

Thankfully my eating has been spot on because I know much of what happens in weight loss is done in the kitchen. I eat healthy and good and I think my students think I just sit and eat celery all day. I haven’t had celery once since I started this. But my mental and physical time has been more a struggle. It happens every single day without fail, but my heart and body are full of dread at the thought. The weekends I kill myself to make up for what I lack during the week. And truthfully the biggest thing I am missing is my sleep. 

This week I had the brilliant idea that getting up even earlier would help and I know it made it worse. But this has been a personally emotional start to a school year. My guy has a completely new schedule that we are all adjusting too. My girls are adjusting to all of this.  So yea I am another busy mom and teacher looking desparately looking for her mojo and some sleep. 

But I gotta be true to myself and I know how important working out is for me. Maybe if I squeezed my workout in the morning, so that I can relax in the evening. I don’t know. Everyone posts their ridiculously early Instagram sweaty photos and they talk about how good it makes them feel. I just wonder if I can get my get up and go to get up and go that early. 

And my guys TN has been back in action, not horrible but there which was a disappointment. 

Love will win. 💜

What I Wonder Is…(Ugly Moment)

My goodness I cannot get you off my mind. I have sat down to write you, text you or just chat on Facebook and I realize it won’t come back. I wonder what your email inbox looks like. Emails from me where I forgot. I just spent the last hour looking at all your comments on my blog. Man you always supported my writing and loved reading it.

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You would know what to say and what to do. The words that gave me strength and I needed it now. I was hoping to pull some sort of something to make the day a little brighter and my load a little less heavy. And it I did. I just wish it was here and it was now because I need it.

But life doesn’t work that way. I remember one day we were watching Oprah and she had Forest Whitaker on there and he said my most favorite quote ever. I still say it every year in my class at least 100x because I believe it.

“You gotta do what you gotta do, to do what you wanna do.” 

That day that quote struck my heart as I was a teen who felt this fire within in and didn’t know how to keep it ignited. I knew very little other than I loved a lot and I loved loyally. I knew I didn’t fall for much and I didn’t stand for much. But Forest got me that day and you said, “Shannon, remember that. It is true. All those dreams you have, you have to make them come true, they aren’t coming to you.”

I think I have pretty much lived my life doing that since. But I can’t tell you about it. I suppose I could email. I talk to you in my head, but then I remind myself you know my heart. I talk to my guy about it because you always knew he would take care of me and love me right. You may have even believed in him before I did. And thank God I figured it out. He is the love of my life and keeps me moving in the right direction. But it was you that pushed me.

But there is still a hole. I still miss it all. I miss not knowing someone is in my corner. I miss not having to apologize for who I am and the way I believe. I miss you reminding me that I don’t have to ever. I need that reminder more than just a running reel in my head.

Heading into Month 9

Eventually I will have to stop counting months because I will not be going backwards anytime soon. This is my life and it is the way I eat. I don’t think about it anymore. I just eat and I know what I don’t eat. Sometimes I catch myself saying “I can’t” eat and it bugs me so I shout, “No, I choose not to eat…”

Of course per usual when I post that things will remain stagnant and I should expect it my body mocks me. I am grateful for the mock though. I lost two more pounds and about 2 inches for the week. That is a huge win. My BMI is now healthy. I am still chugging away at that body fat number and that is honestly the one I am focusing on now. I know what a healthy body fat percentage is and I am not there yet.

The biggest non-scale victory I have had to date happened immediately the day after I posted last. I ordered size smalls last week because when running my pants were dragging and I was spending my time pulling them back up so they were comfortable. Same for my workouts. If you are a runner you know that doesn’t work. Anyway, I ordered them and didn’t expect them to fit…BUT THEY DID! I cannot even describe that feeling. I have been wearing small in shirts for a while now but not in pants. Below is February (Right) to August (Left). It is also a lot of hard work and dedication.

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I am getting to the point where I am a little ashamed how big the difference is each side by side. But I literally just told my class this week as we read through boring dry seminal documents that in order to understand where we are and where we are headed, WE MUST UNDERSTAND WHERE WE CAME FROM!

I know where my head was then and I know where it was now. I know I hid from the hard stuff with food and comforted myself with junk, sugar and things that clouded my brain. Now when tough stuff hits I face it. This week was a tough one at the E homestead. And I won’t lie and say I didn’t respond my usual way in seeking calories to comfort. But I didn’t go crazy and I chose talking first. Instead of hiding behind a pizza and pretending the problem didn’t exist I chose talking long and deep over a gigantic salad that was eaten before my tiny slice of pizza.

My favorite food this week was Italian style mix salad with homemade clean ranch dressing. I couldn’t get enough and literally gobbled it up as fast as I could in my very quick lunch period. I also kinda heart shrimp. I have always liked shrimp but a late in life allergy to seafood makes me hesitant. But I was wanting a different protein this week and noms!

Everyone wants my secret so here it is: Eating Clean and hard work. :D

And to be completely off topic a little school catch up….I have about 85 juniors this year, 50 freshman, 35 mixed grades 10-12th. I love each and every single one of them already! The 11th graders up are all students who have done time in the E Gang. The 10th graders are new to me, not the school, but I love them and I am breaking in a new batch of freshman. If you remember last year I had juniors totally and four-five sophomores. So I welcome the change this year. I missed having freshman because they change so much that first year of high school and I like watching the change.

We have already started planning our second graduation. How is that even possible? And our first one is in the nitty gritty planning stages. I am so very blessed to have a job I love and passion for what I do.

Oh yea I am still here…

And I am still losing it and no I am not talking about my mind. Although, that may be gone as well. But it is my body. Thankfully, I know enough about my body not to freak out because I am not losing mad pounds right now. Previously this threw me into a panic. Now I know when my routine, my sleep and my eating schedule changes my weight freezes. I continue to lose inches, but that darn scale doesn’t move.

And guess what it hasn’t. But the inches are. I lost 7 inches last week alone in my waist and hips alone. I am glad to because those two areas seemed to be the slowest to get with the program.

And if I were telling the complete truth I would have to admit I wish I had more energy to keep up the exercise routine. I still exercise every day. I just cannot run or walk every single day. My goal is still 3-4 times a week and as long as that happens this momma is happy. And I have done well.

Kpuff and I continue to dredge through Insanity Max 30 every single day. Some days are harder than others but I show up every single day. My eating has got to be absolutely reined in or I will be a mess and gain wait. I am doing my school usual so I am trying to remember to focus on that.

My school usual is not enough calories. I am averaging for the last two weeks between 900-1100 and I have really been trying to keep it toward 1300-1400. However, without the extra walk/run a day I am okay but I definitely need to be more toward the 1100-1200 mark.

So yea I am moving. I am digging deep and I remaining focused.

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Is this my life?

Gah with so many changes in literally every aspect of my life I feel like some one went and pulled the rug out from under me. Every where I look there is something different. Every thing I touch and feel is different. For this OCD sufferer that is the great creation of much anxiety. Thankfully, my OCD has been very well managed for many years now, so I can more easily anticipate the ebbs and flows of life and move past them.

My guy changing his job has been surprisingly calm. He is so much happier and more supported. Our schedules have all had to adjust and move around to accommodate but we have made it work. The part we didn’t anticipate was the reaction to it. I think it is just what my guy needed to see and feel. Teachers make an impact on the world (can be good or bad), but knowing that what you did positively changed others lives is such a reward for this job. It does make us all sad, but we also know that the level of stress has diminished greatly which hopefully means his TN symptoms can remain diminished once he is out of his seasonal remission.

The weight, the hair and the obvious physical changes are pulling on me so hard. I am finding myself screaming in my head I am the same person. I kid not when I say I can’t really go anywhere in public without someone noticing and saying something. And while I do appreciate the acknowledgement for the hard work I am running out of things to say. More than anything I get asked, “My secret” and my secret is always kind of disappointing.  I eat good and exercise a lot is always met with a sullen, “oh”.

I am also finding raising teenagers to be a bit tougher these days for very personal reasons that I don’t necessarily want to share publicly. But I found myself kinda cocky on raising them thinking it has been incredibly easy and now it is not maybe so much. Thankfully, I work with teenagers that helps, but the heart hurts much more when they are related. If only we could keep em small and safe and protected forever.

I even got a new car. The good news is I see no bad in any of these changes whatsoever. None of them are going to drag any of us down. Instead, they will continue us on the path of purpose and fulfillment and letting love win and that is will always be my goal.

I just know one thing, I am so very grateful I get to walk this planet with my guy who holds my hand a little tighter when the world is a little scarier. It never fails I look over fearful of tomorrow and he squeezes tighter and we move on.

Get over yourself!

  
Ever need an ego boost in a weight loss journey become a teacher. The reactions from my students and their parents have been amazing and so very kind. My favorites were the ones who said I am inspired them. It just really reminded me that on a journey that feels so incredibly personal because much of it is dealing with the feelings on the inside that is really is outwardly. That is especially when it is so blatantly obvious as well. 

I still feel like the same Mrs. E, but I can tell and feel to some of them the change is too drastic and they see the outer change as a complete change. With time I am sure they will still see me as the same. But what I do love is they see the strength both mentally and physically that has been gained in the last 8 months. I am now the teacher that is known as a health nut. Thankfully, the support and love is amazing for the ego. So amazing I finally had to say stop. You aren’t done.

The thoughts and compliments started making me feel like I could give into the first week back tiredness and eat a little poorly or skip exercise. Both of which I did not do. The first week or two of back to school kills you. It is a special kind of tired. Which is exactly why I started Insanity Max 30. I don’t want to flake on my commitment to the program or Kpuff. Food has been good. I have had make sure my lunches were prepared the night before, but other than that my food has been on point. I did have a slice of pizza on back to school night. I haven’t had pizza for three months. It was one slice and it was good. But other than that I killed it with shakes, greens and used my containers. 

There hasn’t been huge significant losses this week but I kinda expected that. I have found when my routine drastically changes that my weight kinda stays. I am guessing in a week or two we will be back at it. My eating routine changed and my exercise times changed. I think my body freaks out when that happens and then it relaxes. Thankfully, I haven’t gained. But if I do it is okay. I know it will be fine. 

I ran three times this week which was my actual goal and each time my time was faster. As well, each day in my classroom I walked 7-10 miles added into my movement for the day. I am hoping staying this goal focused and oriented will help me while I settle into the new routine. I did mess with my caffeine a little. Either via a cup of coffee here and there or a advocate spark. But I am always extremely careful with it and keeping them spread out so they are solely used for energy and I do no create a dependency through the day. I found that mostly when I was really tired and ran down I just needed to eat again. 

Anyway…less of me is still alive and well and will continue to be. 

A New Plane

Because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t challenge myself a little! Kpuff and I decided to start Insanity Max 30 today! Some may think I am crazy given school starts with kids on Tuesday. And maybe I am! 

But Shaun T. (with help from Kpuff and my guy) has been pulling me passed the hardest parts of my revolution for the last 8 months so when it gets tough again I want to be committed to the process again so we decided to quit flirting with programs and dive in and commit. Eager to hopefully let this finish the final parts of this journey. 

So day # 1 staturday

 
Started in January 2015 at 210lbs and now August 8th 155lbs. 

-55 lbs and -41 inches 

Wish me luck!!!! 

Flying High

Man, I have officially been back to work two days and I am just feeling so stressed. I am struggling to find some peace. I am hoping and praying it is cause my family isn’t officially back yet. Hoping the normal routine helps things feel a bit calmer. 

My guy and I made a bunch of changes and now they are all getting ready to go into action and I need to take a deep breath and let love win. But it is so hard and there are so many variables. And oh the “what ifs”.

Then add in the random crap that life throws your way. Power outages and no wifi when you need it desperately to do a ton of things. Your guy working a dark intersection road block till all morning hours because of said power outage. Trying to figure out car situations and kids schedules. My brain is exhausted. 

I know one thing to be true and that is that I cannot start the school year feeling this way. So I have 72 hours to find my peace, let love win and go in there and rock this year!  

Summer Hiatus: Day #71

Last and final day of summer has been jam packed! 2 episodes of True Blood, my mother in laws. My school for registration, pick up kiddos and head back to Fort Wayne for last minute school stuff and an informal birthday dinner and then back home to exercise! Phew I am beat already!  And it is blur much like this picture!