WTH Am I doing now?

One of the people I work with told me two weeks ago about a challenge she tried and really liked. She knows me as I have spent the last two years sharing probably too much detail of my weight loss journey with her. But she tried it and thought I would enjoy it for a couple of reasons….but the main one the time commitment. It is 15 days and they are 20 minute work outs with no warm up or cool down…so roughly 30 minutes.

trainerlindsey1Maybe you have heard of it. I had because I had actually saw ads for in my facebook because I am always looking at health stuff, so it is always sending those ads to me. Which basically means I am ignore them. ūüėÄ

But I came home and googled it. Trainer Lindsey’s 15 Day Free Challenge¬†and I signed up. It is carb cycling by the best I can tell and is TRULY free. She does endorse a particular protein powder, but there isn’t pressure to buy. The recipes do sometimes include the powder, however, she offers substitutions.

That was important to me because my body reacts weird to certain protein powders. I have sincerely only found one that my body tolerates well and it is Vega. As well, I don’t always want a liquid diet.

So today is day 1 which she calls a flush day and so is tomorrow. But that basically means trainerlindsey2lots of fluids and lots of peeing. It also means restricted carbs. Thankfully, I have been really restricting my carbs since the new year anyway, so my system doesn’t feel entirely shocked. Ask me tomorrow I may change my mind.

The basics are meals are broken up into 6 meals a day with a guaranteed dessert part of your day. Everything is weighted and measured for eating. You get a full meal plan with recipes and so far…so good. However, as a word of caution I typically eat fairly good anyway so it doesn’t feel as it is much of a shock.

I won’t lie though the lack of carbs has slowed my roll quite a bit. I wanted to run today because it is 60 in February. However, I can tell you right trainerlindsey3now I don’t have the stamina without the carbs to do that. I may have had it if I went this AM first thing, but as the day has worn on…NOPE! But I have worked out three times. I took a long walk, I lifted weights and I did the Trainer Lindsey workout. So it is all good.

The workout does seem a little short to¬†me at 20 minutes and I only had a 150 calorie burn with her workout hence the other workouts. It doesn’t seem or feel all gimmicky to me which sometimes these things can (Detox tea anyone?)

Her secret to lack of carb headaches….pickles. Eat all the pickles. Thankfully, no headache here. More than anything I wanted a quick, low-cal, midday snack….so pickles it was.

So yea I am doing another again. I gotta keep myself interested per usual.

Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. 

When my girls were young I would gleefully share story after story and silly picture after silly picture on my blog. They were young, adorable and it was safe. Then they grew up, then I became a teacher and then I learned the world is not always so kind. I began to feel an intense need to protect them and their stories and I am extremely careful about each and every picture I post. 

But I am a mommy blogger through and through. I started there and my heart remains there. But clearly my baby girls protection comes first. But the daily challenges of raising girls in this world today didn’t skip me or escape me because I don’t write about them here. I wish life would work like that, but it doesn’t. 

But this post isn’t about that. This post is for mothers out there like me. The ones wondering, hoping and praying you are doing at least something right every single day. You aren’t alone when you sit next to your child holding their hand hoping for just five minutes of peace for them and you. The moment where you swallow hard and blink a lot because if you don’t they are going to see you cry and weak with no answers. The moment you wish they were small and their problems were teething and wanting more cheetos. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. Those are easy problems to solve. 

You are not alone in that moment when your child says to you, “I don’t want things like this.” The words they utter that make you want to fix their worlds and make it all right, but you can’t. Broken hearts, broken friendships and broken dreams. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest especially when you look back on when they were young and gumming a teething toy and non-chalantly wished you could handle their teething pain. Can I have those moments back? 

I mean I wouldn’t want to truly go back, but those are the problems I know how to fix. Instead now my worries are the ones that keep me up at night, sometimes all night. I wonder, “What if they don’t believe it actually will get better?” Or, “What if my words, hugs and assurances don’t actually help?” Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. But all of my hope doesn’t stop the clock from turning or their worlds from changing. 

I cannot stop the inevitable which is time, pain, wondering and worrying. Gosh some of those moments are the hardest. But there is a positive in all of this.  There are way more good than bad and that bad has amazing lessons to teach. Those lessons especially once on the other side help us understand our own humanity, limits and boundaries. We also need to recognize that we aren’t alone. I am not the only mother worrying all night wondering if I did or said enough. I am also raising good kids who understand this world probably a little better than I give them credit for. 

Mothering is tough ya’ll – MR 

Week 2: Always Loses Its Umpfs! 

Week 2 of any program is tough. But-

‚ÄúPersistence. Perfection. Patience. Power. Prioritize your passion. It keeps you sane.‚ÄĚ

‚Äē Criss Jami, Killosophy

So your motivation is a bit harder to find, your excitement is waning and usually replaced by all the excuses why you shouldn’t exercise, eat healthy or put yourself first. You have to tell them all to shut up which is hard when you are tired, really want comfort food and want to just sleep.

But you show up for yourself because you told yourself you would.


On this day I tried a workout and did a repeat session because I hated it. 2nd time I still hated it.

Thursday was the 3 year anniversary of my guy’s MVD surgery. Things are tough there, but we are managing.

But I showed. I showed and I showed and showed. We gotta show.

Food & Sweat: Week # 1 Run Down

Well made it through my first week of diet and Core De Force. First off this program is amazing. Very few get up there for me like Shaun T. This one….I love it. It is MMA Fighting and I feel so strong and empowered. It is extremely hard and challenging, but I push through every single time. That means something. I tend to get bored easily in workout. I like to be challenged, but not the point that I feel bad about myself. Cause when that happens…I quit. Quitting here isn’t an option!

I am also doing weight lifting through hammer chisel when time allows usually three-four days a week. I love it too. I always see the best leaning out when I do this program. My bones protrude and my curves change. I like it. I also like how empowered I feel when I am doing these types of workouts. Basically, I like to work out. I hate it when I am in it and doing it…but I love the way I feel after.

core4

Pistol squats are literally one of my least favorite exercises.

core5

Flexing my best. ūüôā

So this week was good. I did get some tough news this week. I didn’t respond by eating my feelings. I stayed on track and took rest days to rest my brain. I took two and I took them knowing my eating needed to be 100% on point and it was. My food this week has been my success. I tried new things and I tried to not get bored. Boredom also causes failure. I learned a lot.

core1

First, Aidell’s Chicken Apple Sausage is amazing. Scrambled with an egg or tossed with green beans even better.

core2

Zucchini Lasagna Boats. I made my family lasagna in the traditional way. Then I took two zucchinis and scooped the seeds out. I added about a 1 – 2 tsp of of my ricotta mozzarella mixture inside the boat. Then I added in the red sauce meat mixture onto that and topped with a shake of Parmesan flakes. This did not look near as good as it tasted. I did love it though!

core3

The way I succeed? I plan. I plan to a T to my workouts. When I have to miss one I plan my remake immediately. Somedays that means two workouts or sometimes it means it gets tossed all together. But I plan. My food plan isn’t as organized. I found last year when I did this that too much planning equals fail. I have options set up, so in a sense I plan. But I have easy option fall backs too!

Fitaversary: Year Two

Holy cow….I committed two ¬†years ago to myself fully. To a dedicated 30 minutes to myself where I am first. Can I say it has been hard? Yup! Can I say I wish I was further in my fitness? Yup! But you know what? I did it. I am doing it. I woke up early today and texted my dear, sweet Kpuff a picture that I keep on my phone to remind me where I started. I will shorten and repeat. A late night text to Kpuff where I asked her to help me and that she did. A sign welcomed me to her house the next day from her kiddo # 2.

IMG_0918

EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY.

t25day18 img_2355

January 2015 to July 2016

IMG_1073 IMG_1073

January 2015

january2016side january2017front

January 2017 (And yes be jealous of my elephant socks..you know you are…I am cold!)

year2 IMG_0676

December 2014 to June 2016

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ummmm some things have changed. I have truthfully lost track of inches, pounds and habits lost and gained. I could probably sit down and figure it all out. I have gotten a new phone, so I would have to dig it out of my blog. But I found myself getting too focused on what I was seeing in mirror that it became less about the process, so I try really hard to worry less about that and more about showing up daily someway for myself and feeling good.

The journey has been fun. I have changed in so many ways, but the best way is how I feel about myself most of the time. Am I happy where I am at? Not necessarily. Am I happy here? Absolutely.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose you. 

Over winter break I did hammer chisel. I needed a slower pace that didn’t seem like such an exertion, but gives you the workout you need. I pretty much ate what I wanted with the knowledge I have a few things coming up this spring summer that I needed to clean things up a bit after break. Weights are nice because you burn more throughout the day and I can physically feel and see my body changing in more dramatic ways than cardio every day. I feel like with cardio it is slow and steady. Again this is just my body’s reaction and it may not be everyone else’s. 

Anyway if you have read here at all you know how I feel about Autumn. To me she is that perky girl in school who ignores the reality of the world and is condscending to anyone who acknowledges the world may not be perfect. You know the constant “get over it vibe”. I don’t know about you and your world, but sometimes you cannot just get over it. I have truly valid and legit excuses for not doing a work out. They may not be to her and she may tell me it is about priorities and she is probably right. But on most levels our paths to success don’t cross. But Autumn….sometimes she says or does things that just click for me.

Her portion control containers. It is easy to me. Sure when you sit there and look at a bunch of colored containers it looks daunting, but it really isn’t. You don’t feel hungry and you don’t feel deprived. But more importantly…you don’t have to count calories. But I needed Autumn in a way I never have before. I know how to do the containers like the back of my hand. But the downside to eating however you feel like I did for two weeks is that you have to rein it in. 

Sounds easy right? Nope people. Sugar…carbs…chocolate they are all so addicting you guys. I had two attempts of reining in my eating and carbs since Thanksgiving. Two that lasted a day or two. I still ate good, but little cheats here or there. Little cheats here or there lead to bigger cheats and then it is a free for all. But as I did one of the chisel workouts she said something fast and flippant and I latched onto it. I didn’t immediately become moved or even think much of it. I just had one of those “huh” moments. 

She said, “Choose you.” It just so happened it was a seed and it planted itself in my brain. A few days later it was all I could think about as we headed back to school which means back to everyone in my house having a crazy schedule, it means a new drama production, it means knee deep in college and high school curriculum and to add in my guy’s TN has massively been ramped up. Choose you kept replaying in my head. 

Well guess what this little mantra has worked and hence my revolution of two years ago is now my choose you campaign. When I am looking at food choices….choose you. When I am thinking about doing or not doing a workout…choose you. When I am thinking about getting up a little earlier for a workout…choose you. See how easily it works? Nothing like a little guilt to make the right decisions. 

If it isn’t moving me to a better version of myself it is NOT choosing me. Sometimes that chocolate is choosing me. Or sometimes deciding to rest my body is choosing me. Basically for me it works as a time stop, or a pause on life, to look around and think. Then I can proceed with caution and thought about what is best for me in that moment. So yes….choose you. We could all do that a little bit more. 

Now I started the core de force program. I took my stats and have loved the workouts. Well I didn’t love dynamic strength which is basically every kind of hellish push-up they can throw at you. But I did it. I modified and quit a few times with that one, but I can only improve. I am hoping my stats and before pics serve to inspire. I know they will create a story. But I am gonna let my motivation move me forward here. 

Wanna know my motivation? Myself. I want to feel good. My family because it is always them. I am playing a teacher that gets married in our school musical, Emma, and I have to wear a white wedding like dress on stage in March. I am having surgery in June and I won’t be able to workout majorly for at least 6 weeks, so I gotta go into that with my game strong. 

But my biggest motivation is so I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I can tell when I give 80% or 0% or 100%. 

So here we go (if you can’t tell from my photo here), even if I do sometimes question why I do this to myself. 

I choose me. -MR 

Rage against the dying of the light…

banksy-follow-your-dreams-cancelled

First off….I love social movements, social justice and culture jamming. So for you my MR audience I am sharing my favorite version of all three of these and a poem that represents the feelings this graffiti makes me feel.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

Thank you to the boy who broke my heart

In the fall of my junior year, I remember waking up one morning and my step mom handing me a trash bag and telling me I had been left a delightful gift I would get to clean up in my front yard. I walked out to a yard full of fluffy, drippy, wet toilet paper. I had been toilet papered which back in the day meant that you had an admirer. I smiled the whole time I cleaned up that toilet paper knowing there was someone on the other end of that prank that thought of me.

I made my way back in and the phone rang and I remember running to it hoping it was my friend, so I could tell her my good news. As I picked up the receiver the person on the other end proclaimed to be from our local radio station and told me I won a contest for the hottest legs in Indiana. I literally felt like I had won the lottery with all of this attention suddenly.

img_0797I was a gangling¬†16 year old junior who was obsessed with softball. I had barely dated and if I did it was off and on. A date once with a super cute guy who ended up drooling the whole night because of a new retainer. Or there was the boy who talked up an amazing date he was gonna take me on that ended up bringing to his church to convert me to a new religion. And yes let’s not forget the guy who asked me to prom when I was a sophomore, only to find out no junior in his actual class would go with him. So, I pushed the caller for info on who they were because I knew at this point I didn’t win a contest and it was likely the toilet paper bandit. I asked, “Where you the one who toilet papered my house?” The phone slammed down.

I went back to my room and sat on my bed looking out of the window. I felt happy with this attention and suddenly after I had been laying there awhile I hear this loud truck rev by outside my window cruising down my cul-de-sac. I peek out and I see an red, old, almost rusted out Ford truck. I see him driving it, the him who two years later would be a part of one of my biggest lessons on love…loving yourself. But I knew who it was and that truck ended up being the center of just about every memory I had for the next two years.

The other day as I was driving through town I spotted what appeared to be the exact same truck parked at an angle in front of a building. The same way that boy always parked his truck, so no one would scratch it (as if you would actually notice). He loved that truck…he loved it almost as much as he loved me. I went on my first real date in that truck, had my first real kiss in that truck. I remember hopping into that truck thousands of times and sliding all the way over and holding on tight like our tiny world could easily collapse around us and eventually it did.

The first fight and the many that followed were in that truck where we fought about dumb things like did I stare at another boy too long and or should he join the military and what that meant for us. There was the one time he packed up a blanket and a picnic basket and took me to field to have a picnic under the stars, or the time he pulled his truck into his garage and turned the old static radio up with the loudest country music I had ever heard and we danced for hours. Our date to the drive in theater to watch the Lion King while we laid in the bed of the of truck and listened to the drag cars at IRP in Speedway. Something that only those from Speedway would understand. The loud screeching tires set against the backdrop of the stuck in the 50’s drive in. We dreamed that night of our future and made plans. The clueless¬†plans of two teenagers in love with the idea of love and not at all realizing the mistakes they were making.

I remember the feeling of having one person being your whole world, so much I didn’t really see that I needed my own dreams. I had not one dream except for him. My dream was to always be that girl sliding in next to him in that rusty old truck. He couldn’t see me as anything more and neither could I.

Reality struck as adulthood came bearing down on us. His path visibly pulling from my own, but I foolishly followed that path because that is what young in love teenagers do. I liked hearing that old red truck rev up outside my bedroom window and knowing he was out there waiting on me or the doughnuts we would do in my cul-de-sac when there were snow covered roads. The good times were good, but the bad times were plentiful.

We loved hard, but we fought even harder in what I can only describe as my inner true self fighting to come out and be who I was really meant to be. Something inside of me screaming to go another direction. I figured out I was 18 and somehow managed to let two years of my life get taken over by a boy who had a dream that didn’t really include me.

1-2mThe actual moment we both fought was one we kept putting off, the reality that our dreams took us two very different places and what eventually happened was an ugly goodbye and a breakup I never thought I would recover from. But I did and that broken heart taught me so much about love and life and myself. What I did and didn’t want from a partner in life and truthfully it prepared me for my one true love. A love grounded on more than teenage whimsy in an old red and rusty Ford truck.

Thankfully, that love is one 19 years in the making with more whimsy, romance and love of one another and self than anything I could have ever imagined backed then. I suppose that is why we have teenage relationships and first loves. To learn who we are and who we are meant to be. Sure middle of the night puke sessions with your kids, grief and loss, paying bills, brain surgery and just living life isn’t all that romantic. But inside all of that mundane I became who I was meant to be and so did my guy.¬†Ultimately, that heartbreak lead me to someone who loves me in spite of and because of who I truly am and in my experience in this life that is so rare and hard to find.

Now my love doesn’t drive a rusty old beat up truck and come screeching outside my bedroom window. ¬†But he climbs into bed with me every night and gets up every morning ready to face the day with me again. We make that choice every single day. Sometimes life is unbearably hard and cruel, but somehow we manage it trials together. Even better we laugh along the way. So thank you to my first love for letting me go, so I could experience true love. First the true love of myself and then loving myself enough to love someone else. In fact, that love is enough for four other someone elses and for that I am grateful.

Love wins, you just have to let it. Even the love of the self. <3, MR 

What is wrong with the mish mash of life?

Nothing I say. РMR 

So here it goes.

1-2a

A funny story here with my newspaper graduates from last year. They begged and begged for a doughnut machine. I finally obliged. Sadly, we did not use it. I think it seemed like too much work for all of us. SIDENOTE: My family had these in our mouth start to finish in 5 minutes. Not so hard I guess.

1-2b

On New Year’s Eve we didn’t just make doughnuts, but we taught them about cheap plastic champagne glasses filled to the brim with sherbert ice cream and punch. They are now in love.

1-2c

If you are wondering if I am blonder….Funny Story! My hair dresser had my touch ups all set up and I screwed them up by touching and trying to fix which meant she had to add more blonde to my face. Whoopsy. Oh well!

1-2d

I have no shame. It was so good.

1-2e

The one where we all really love each other, but we are sick of each other and the store is 1000 degrees so mom is going off, # 3 is whining and they are bargaining with one another. It was frustrating, but I love it.

1-2f

Cause that smile. Cause of their smiles. I got over it. I may have complained, but I moved on.

1-2g

Can other teachers who are so darn tired of Harambe raise their hands? Thankfully, my girls did not do this. But someone’s kids did this. My poor children can’t flip a bottle, saying the word “goals” or talk about anything Harambe without me making a snide remark. Whoops…Sorry! (Not really).

1-2h

Today I decided to let # 1 drive home from the big city. Something she has only done once and that was with her driver’s ed instructor. I was nervous and needed a small caffeine rush. I only had to grab the wheel once and scream twice. She only cried three times. But we made it home safe and yes she did amazing. She is just so hard on herself.

1-2i

See she is only a little nervous. Only a little especially at 70mph (gulp).

1-2n

And yes I was kinda irritated that this was my Christmas present from my guy. He was so proud of himself proclaiming, “It will make your life so much easier…” days before it was set to arrive. When it got here I called him a jerk and then I tried it out. Okay, I admit it. I guess he does know me. It can tell me at any given moment where my phone is or where my keys are. Now if I can’t find either we are in trouble, but I do think there is web based tracking. Let’s hope cause the likelihood that it will happen is high. He does know me.

Life is about these moments…more so than the ones that are pretty, scripted and filtered.

Enjoy life cause that is love winning.

MR

Stop this New Year New You Business.

I am definitely not starting off this year in search of a new me. In fact, I think my real goal is to continue to be okayish with the skin I am in. But do I have goals and things I want for the year…Yes!

2017

Professionally

  • To continue to push myself and feel challenged as an educator
  • To see my students as humans and be in appreciation of our time together
  • Learn from my colleagues
  • Stop Breath and Enjoy the Moments (The pressure is real but I gotta say NO!)
  • Less power to the frustrating narrative of educators and more power to myself in how I deal with the narrative….Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it is true.

Emotionally

  • More REAL connections to my guy and my girls
  • Continuing saying what is on my heart even if/when it is hard
  • Don’t get lost in my emotions and let them rule everything else (Damn I am so bad at this!)
  • Continue to find a way to be okay with what you see acknowledge mistakes and MOVE THE HECK ON!

Physically 

  • Keep chugging away at becoming healthy in all ways
  • Run more
  • Lift more
  • Try a new exercise (Spinning or dance?)
  • Have my surgery and move on…don’t get caught up in what culture says it means
  • Continue clean eating
  • Continue use of essential oils and use them even more

Writing

  • Channel MR way more…She is kinda awesome!

_______________________

Best of the new year to all of you dear readers. Many blessings upon you and yours. -MR