Look at me, I am all vunerable and …

I keep waiting for life to give me a break and get easier. Truth is…life doesn’t do that. You have to decide to do that for yourself. The last two years have been spent with my guy and I simultaneously holding our breath. Waiting on the next wave or waiting for the floor to drop. It if it wasn’t just life’s struggles it was the world. Then I think what is so bad about my life? Or how bad is my life that it is so different than what most American’s are struggling with?

I personally hold in my hand the beauty that is love and a good life. My three beautiful girls and a husband that is in love with me still after 15 years. This is so much more than many people I know have. We hear their stories on the news or in reality shows every day. The reality for us is the economy stinks. We can chase tail and pray it will get better. Or we can choose to make our own changes. But a change is coming. I don’t know what that change is coming but I know it is here. I can feel it.

I don’t like changes. It is no secret to anyone that knows me. OCD sufferers worst fears are changes. I worry as we look to our future and we see those changes if we can weather yet another wave coming at us. It is time to throw out everyone elses’ opinions on what we should do or need to be doing by the wayside. Grab hold and pray for a safe landing. Because I am faithful that we will land right where we have always belonged.

I don’t know what that means but for me I have spent the last year dwelling in the fear and I choose to step out. It could have ruined my marriage and made me a horrible mother (and maybe it did at times) and every other label slapped on me (horrible daughter, friend…etc.). I got too caught up in what others might think and not enough attention was paid to creating and maintaining what we have already built. We have a roof, we have each other and we have life. What more do you need?

No I am not a hippie proclaiming the mantra we can live on love. With three children and real life that just isn’t possible. What I am proclaiming is I am tired of living in the “what if”. Yes my OCD takes me there, yes I take my own self there without OCD. It isn’t healthy and look at all the important stuff I miss because I am afraid.

What matters is that my daughters have a good life with good memories and we love them to our best abilities. That has to happen every day regardless of  how I decide to spend it. So I make that choice daily when I wake up to live for that day or to sit and worry about what if. I think that gets lost sometimes in the daily routines of softball games, dance practice, golf team and grading papers. Even more is the foundation that it is all built on is my guy and I.

I always try and end these things with some words of wisdom and smack back about how I overcame. This one I am going to admit it I am not there yet. I am a work in progress. I am afraid of the changes that are  happening in my life but I am learning to have faith in what my guy and I have built and being vulnerable to life’s gifts because they keep you living. I will keep you updated. In the meantime…to my beautiful family!

There ain’t nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

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One thought on “Look at me, I am all vunerable and …

  1. Pingback: Hey, haven’t I seen you before? « Mommy Rhetoric

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