No matter how much I yo-yo with my own weight I will always consider myself fat. Yes I know it is not nice to call yourself fat. You gotta get me to get the name calling. I could weight literally 10 lbs but I have a fat girl brain. I hate to see myself in the mirror because I never see reality. Instead I some distorted version of me. I look down at my body and feel disgust most of the time. Yes I realize I am being quite harsh on myself. But I want honesty because I have been on this two year battle of the bulge and I have realized I will never win nor will I ever be happy.
My biggest obstacle is always my brain. I love working out. I love the endorphins and feeling the sweat drip down my face and between my boobs (well it does people). However, the whole freaking time I work out that stupid fat girl in my brain is telling me, “You can’t do this. Why are you doing this to yourself? Your husband and girls love you the way you are.” I tell her to shut the * up but rarely does she listen. Instead I trudge alongside my best friend bitching and moaning the whole way. That is the good thing about my bf. She realizes when it is Fat Girl Mommy Rhetoric talking and not the new and improved MR. Or at least the new and improved MR I continue to try and create. My BF provides much needed motivation in, “You can do it girl” modes. And when needed she flat out lies to me or ignores me. 😉
I made it no secret with my new meds (aka hormones) came the unwanted poundage I didn’t want. It also generously gave me a little snugger jeans and tops. Why oh why do the boobs get the fat? So my bf and I decided to step it up and I have to say since our kiddos started school we faithfully go almost daily and always get a good work out in at least 4-5 times a week. The other times are still as good just maybe not as intense.
What I find amazing about the whole weight loss thing. I lost an insane amount of weight in two years time. Almost a full 100lbs. However, I gain a few back and I am so much stinking harder on myself and what I see in the mirror is completely disappointing. I find myself closer than ever to edge of just saying, “Forget it, I am meant to be fat.” But why? It was 10lbs. It wasn’t like I gained every single bit of it back? However, my fat girl mentality makes me feel that way and it feels insurmountable.
So in three weeks I have lost 4.5 lbs and it feels like nothing. I don’t feel the joy of losing weight I once did. Instead, I still see fat. I feel like I gave up on myself when I haven’t. I have never ever considered or stopped going to the gym. So why am I so defeated? Or am I so jaded because I have been in this battle so long? It isn’t like me to be cynical and unforgiving to myself unless it is dealing with fat girl MR. She holds no prisoners.
And last but not least because it is slow going and has been now that I am much closer to my original goal I find it even harder to lose a pound here and there. I contemplate ridiculous fad diets that will make me yo-yo more than my over emotional brain can handle ever. I know better. The goal was never to diet but to exercise and the eating would be better because that is how it worked in the past for me.
Well I am not sure that works anymore so I am getting all crazy considering crazy diets. Maybe they work for others but I don’t do well with anything crazy. I will let you decide why? (Oh yea, Atkins diet, for now is a no go. In my tinkering with it I had a lot of stomach issues with it. It isn’t booted completely but for now I gotta think about comfort versus benefit). The question then is how do I work with my diet and exercise so they don’t work against one another? And it can’t be fad related. I have no current answer.
I have been in this battle for two years and about last 6 months of those years I would say I am losing. Just because I am in that battle and not gaining huge amounts of weight doesn’t mean I am a winner. Instead, I think my goal needs to be more about changing the brain. There is no way to win that battle with fat girl MR telling me to quit. I just need to figure out how to shut her up.