“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” -Robert Frost
I have certainly perfected the art of wallowing. And it isn’t that I can say wallowing is wrong. I am just not sure what I got out of it. Not much changed. Life dredged on around me and very few knew or bothered to worry about my state of mind. I perfected the art of putting a smile on my face and pretending everything was swell. Then I came home and climbed in bed and cried almost daily. It was bad enough my girls noticed and wondered why Mommy was so sad. I pushed my husband away. I pushed my friends away. The culmination was an all out panic attack that scared my husband and myself and thankfully my girls weren’t around (they were at school and Anna was snoozing). We contemplated how to respond next. Do I call the doctor? Do I go to the emergency room? All I knew is something had to change.
I wondered if I even could admit that I might be broken to myself or to others? I rarely ask for help or even admit I might not be able to handle it all. But I did that day. I picked up the phone and called my guy. I said, “I don’t know what is the matter, but I can barely stand still and I can’t stand being in my own skin. My guy asked, “Do you need me to come home and take you to the hospital?” I broke into a ferocious giggle. He says, “What are you laughing about?” I say, “I don’t have time for a breakdown.” I needed that. Something about that moment was me letting my guard down and talking through a way to be okay with not being able to accomplish all the things I feel like I need to. We talked for a while. I cried and finally admitted what was going on in my head. The dark demons that seemed to be plaguing me since this summer.
Most of it I have very little control of.
The biggest being my guy’s job. The reality is he could be riffed this spring. I feel like we are walking to our execution. Couple that fear of what if with my OCD and you get the most wildest imagination ever. Do you know how many times I have studied the effects of job loss, poverty and social changes that happen with this type of situation? This is a circumstance where I know too much for my own good. It is good for no one. I know the statistics. I know the outcomes. I go dark places that I can’t even think about. As an OCD’er I don’t handle change well at all. My guy lost his job once before and it was all I could take not fall off the deep end. We didn’t even have children then.
As well, I will quietly admit the dark side of teaching has grabbed hold of me. I am tired of the majority of the students who could give a shit less about being there. Their attitudes are catching and I love teaching. They are rude, irresponsible and think you should bow down to their every need. “Oh you mean I have to work for that grade?” I literally probably have 5-8 students every semester who actually care in each of my classes. They are why I do it. I do wonder why I spend copious amounts of time preparing, grading, lesson planning for students who can’t even give me any respect as their instructor. And please don’t think I am easy going and that is why. I am any thing but. I go in there and act like a hard ass who won’t accept anything late and expects success. But still the same problem exists. “My teachers let me do that in high school.” “Oh you mean I have to come to class.” And this semester I have one class that literally has 8 people in it a day. Now I will wax and wane romantic about the teaching profession because I do love it and there are “romantic” aspects. But there are days when I long for what I had in business. If you weren’t responsible you were fired. PERIOD. No excuses are made and when they were there was always consequences. That is how things happen in the real world. They don’t understand that.
And I miss my family. It is a hard one to talk about because I am not sure if they read or if they do will they be hurt I am saying this out loud? I, honestly try not to care but I do. It is so hard for me to pack up all my three kids in the car and always travel to my family add to that my always jam packed weekends. And maybe I should suck it up and cancel all those weekends or suck it up because I am young. But it is so hard when they don’t come see me and family. I can count on two hands how many times they have been here in the ten years I have lived in my home. I love my family and miss them desperately, I want them to know and love my kids and vice versa, but I just feel like they don’t care. For example, my youngest sister has not been to or seen my children since my # 2 was 6 months old and my # 1 was 3. She wouldn’t know them if she walked passed them on the street. To me that is not what family is. If I think of it much I get sad and lonely because it is never how I thought things would be. I know part of it is me being stubborn but some of it could be solved if they could see what my life is like here…in one word. Busy. Not mad at them, not avoiding them, just plain busy. When I get down time (and I rarely do) I am not always excited to pack up the car and the kids and go.
Lastly, probably the heaviest thing besides my guy’s job is my # 2. I know in my heart what her diagnosis is. I have tried to have an open mind and be accepting of what the experts say. I have been patient and let them run their tests. I am just ready for the last and final diagnosis so we can sort it out and move on from there. As I have said many a times that my own mental struggles with OCD seem simple compared to parenting a child with issues. It is taxing, exhausting and no one but my guy and I understand. They can try, they can offer advice but they don’t live life with her. I just want to fight for her rights and for her ability to have the life she wants to pursue. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard.
Something happened though. I sat down and looked at those things. Decided the ones I could actually change, prayed about the rest and just live life. It sucks sitting on the sidelines. When I dove in I saw it was all around me. So many people are hurting, and depressed. But why? My friends, influential people I look up-to, bloggers (I, too, am a fork grabber) and the list goes on and on. But why? Why is everything so dark and gloomy? Can we too blame this on the horrid recession? The looming winter? The state of world? I just don’t know. I just want it fixed for all of us. Because it is hard to admit it but life does go on!