Whatever…

You would think I was 19 and naive with all the amazing lessons I have been learning as of late. But oh well such is life. This post will be brought to you courtesy of the 1983 hit, “Nothing Gonna Break my Stride.” Don’t know it? Well here…

Now that we have that out of the way. I am gonna dive in and talk about what is under my skin lately and that is myself. I try so hard to be “good” friends with so many people that I end up being “good” friends with no one. I have friends that I know are my friends. They are the ones that watch my kids at a moments notice, or are on the other end of that line as I face yet another scary moment. They don’t try and out your crisis with their own and they know the song in your heart when you can’t sing it (wink). I confused it for awhile and I befriended others and got hurt.  We all have our moments like this right? Please tell me I am not the only one.

I would be an hour deep in the conversation and realize that they don’t really care about what I have to say. They haven’t asked me once what I think, feel or want. Instead, I say “Well, I….” and it would be met with silence in the form of a rejection that speaks the volumes that my darn ears didn’t ear. They don’t give a crap what I have to say, I tell myself. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. At the end of the night I go to bed knowing what they see, think and feel about every subject from A to B. They go to bed never wondering what I see, think or feel nor did they bother to ask. And I would lie to say it didn’t hurt. It just became too much. I decided to make those changes this year. Remember that?

It is hard to cut those “friends” off because you do care. You have invested yourself. But the difference here is I have realized I should really invest more in myself and the realization that I do have those friendships they just might not always be so obvious or I take them for granted.

I realize I am all over the place but I read a facebook status that I believe to be one of the dreaded passive aggressive I am too afraid to say it to your face, so I will take a jab at you online where you may or may not see it to make myself feel better and you feel worse. Maybe it was directed at me. Or not. Either way, as I am pondering that very thought the song above pops into my head and I utter under my breath. “Whatever” I take the comment for what it is and my mind goes to the lesson while I sat in the pew today. Accepting your call. Your call to do _______ (fill in the blank).

I consider it my calling to let that kind of stuff roll off my back (and yes I am being a bit facetious here, my calling would be more my commitment to change parts of my life that I don’t like). Hence, the call for me was to say “whatever” while flashing back to an awesome song from the 80’s that echoed a similar sentiment. This is not something I would  have done a week and half ago. What I believe that status update was is that someone is sensing that change in me. And they don’t like it. Unfortunately, it is a change I won’t apologize for. I am not angry at them for it. Instead, I am glad for the opportunity to reaffirm the faithful decision I have made to turn what is negative in my life into a positive.

Part of being more positive is having the cahunes to say I don’t accept that into my life because it doesn’t feel right. But the hard part of saying that is that it means that people might walk out of my life that I thought cared enough to be there. But for those moments I will rely on “Nothing Gonna Break my Stride” and I will smile and just say “whatever”. They have a right to their choice, as do I. I cannot change everyone, but I can change myself.

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5 thoughts on “Whatever…

  1. I feel like you wrote down all the thoughts in my head. I’ve been thinking about these same things lately. Just so you know, I’m here if you need me. 🙂

  2. Everyone in life has to make choices about what is going to make their lives’ more happy. I understand someone always wanting to out do your situation but you may also want to consider that you may not fully understand what they are experiencing as well. There are no easy decisions when it comes to friendships. When “friends” become to time consuming and draining (your joy) they are not friends….

  3. Pingback: What I was too nice to say… « Mommy Rhetoric

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