Whenever people around me have been sick and they would say they were really sick I guess I took for granted what that meant. I mean I got it but I had never been really sick. In all my life, I can remember one time feeling really, really bad (minus the tonsillectomy but that was expected and still I don’t remember feeling overly horrible, just a bad sore throat). I was 17 and had a fever of 102. Once my temp registered that my step mom took me to the doctor immediately I was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Within a day I felt better. I have had migraines and got meds and felt relief pretty soon after.
That is not how this illness has worked and the hard part about it was/is knowing if I will ever feel better totally. There are honestly moments in the last three weeks I don’t even remember. I was lethargic with fever and merely surviving moment to moment. And the vomiting. It has been atrocious! I will never feel the same about a whole lot because of the puke. Today I woke up declaring it is the most “normal” I have felt. But as I climbed the stairs on my campus or I tried to pick up my daughter I am reminded that myomectomy fever is gonna take its time to move out. I am more faithful that this was true diagnosis of my illness today than I was yesterday. It is working much like my doctor described. Good moments, bad moments. I am still having fevers which also comes with the muscle aches and pains and the fatigue easily catches up with me. That is the part that doc says could last 4-6 weeks. The good news is they are finally considered low grade temps and I easily can deal with them via tylenol. And the best news yet. No pukes for over 24 hours. I really believe it got this bad because it went so long untreated and had it been identified sooner it would have been a “normal” infection.
But in typical MR style I always try and find meanings in these kind of moments because although you see less of my spiritual side here I am spiritual and for me that means so much about what this last month has been about. It is the people who are there for you and the people that cleverly disappear. At first I took it as a kick to the gut. I feel horrible and you stay away=you don’t care. Then I sat in the pew yesterday finally making it to church. It was one of those Sunday’s I realized there was a meaning for being there and it was glaringly obvious finally.
The message very generally went something like this: when we have these “sick” moments and we look around it is in those moments that God is revealing to us who will be there and who means the most. Therefore, we reflect that love, support and kindness back into the world in the appropriate places and stop wasting time on those who won’t waste it on us. Mommy Rhetoric’s version sounds much more harshly but it burned holes in me and gave me just the message I needed to hear. The spiritual struggle I have had is comparing that list to what I expected to look like to what it actually did. I have tried all day to wrap my head around this post and how I could even word it. But I can’t and I am sure it is coming off all wrong. Which is probably why I don’t write here much about my spiritual beliefs because it comes off as preachy and I am not. Well I guess I am but I am preaching to myself more than my reading audience. But I suppose if I were to break down the meaning it would look something like this:
There were people that I would not have even expected or even really knew their names before this that went above and beyond to provide my family with love and comfort and then there were people that I always thought would be there and they just weren’t. What I appreciate most out of it all is what it did for my marriage. I have never ever doubted my guy but the amazing human being he has been in the last month was just what I needed to see to humble me. It reaffirmed my love and devotion to him in ways that I know God had a hand in. Maybe we have been together so long it just became natural to assume, “Of course, I love you.” And when I was at my worst physically and emotionally it was his shoulder I cried on. I am not sure I have always done that so faithfully in the past. I just really feel like it gave us even more foundation to work with. Maybe preparing us for the road ahead or maybe opening my eyes in ways I have not even considered yet.
The other lesson here is more obvious. When you are sick or not feeling normal. Don’t accept just any answer. Myomectomy fever presents exactly the way it did in me. Had the label of virus not even been thrown out and then accepted as gospel for 14+ days despite me saying, “Hey guys, this feels like it is getting worse not better” than it stands to reason the last few weeks would have played out very differently. Thankfully, I finally listened to my body and pushed to not accept the answer I was given. But I did that. No MD did.