Today I read the words of Spenser over and over and I love that magical feeling of trying to figure out what the heck someone is trying to say when you can’t jot an email or dial the phone and ask. Folks Edmund Spenser died many, many years ago. My love not so much entranced with the Renaissance period that I currently study. It has always remained tightly held in 19th century British Literature. One I abandoned that quite practically because Comp/Rhet is always where I felt pulled and I still do. But it was a practical choice. I love literature in all forms. I mean love as in it fills my soul in ways that only another lit lover can understand. I don’t mean Stephine Meyer or Harry Potter love. I mean the love of the written word when it was different than it is today. I try the modern and I like it. But the old I LUV it.
In my life, I want to change things and say new things and work with things that are alive. It isn’t that I am saying the art of studying literature is dead but I believe that to be more sacred to me and something that I can hold closely outside of the academic realm. That is the book nerd me. The part that has to make a living, provide for my family and make the changes I want to see in the world is in through written word. I am not sure I even make sense. But I do to me.
But this trip down literature lane reminds me of what I missed. Getting lost in books, reading just because and a certain professor whom I love and believe the feeling to be mutual but had to abandon academically because my life took a different turn. My decision to turn comp/rhet was a tough one but one that has always felt right. I am not sure I always want to teach. I am sure I always want to write. It just makes sense.
It is funny though because in this class I witnessed a close friend wonder if maybe lit wasn’t her path and I myself was forced to look in the mirror and be sure I was where I belonged. Though I believe we chose different things it makes me wonder if that is not what graduate school is about. It certainly feels like each moment in class and studying is a milestone that determines exactly who Mommy Rhetoric is. I feel pushed and pulled and forced to make huge life decisions that no one even gets but me. Not even my guy.
I am just not sure I want to go a Phd. path. I feel more and more done by the minute. I have no doubt that I could succeed in it. But I am not sure it is where I am meant to be. I have spent 11 years pursuing this. I am ready to have free time not dedicated to studying. But I have concluded that writing will be a part of whatever I do. I just need to determine what that is and soon. I am over halfway done with my graduate program and I need to apply if PhD is my route. I really think Purdue or Ball State are my closest most viable options. I am not interested in a move.
But while I decide I get to read nerdy books, teach (which I do love), working with amazing people who love what I love and have access to many who practice and perfect the tools of the rhetoric that I so love. It is all just amazing and perfect. So back to Spenser I go.