The words come but they are blah. What is it I have to say you ask? Well I thought a little about school violence, and then I thought about the art of putting up with me and they were good. But not where I felt my heart pulling me today.
Today I am not sure where I want to go. I want to congratulate my latest weight loss. I am down 12lbs. Of course, mostly due to illness for two months. But then really when you don’t eat out of fear of vomiting that puts a damper on diet. The pukes haven’t really came but the fear of them. Well…it stays.
I still have a massive lump in my throat that feels like spiders are crawling out of it (lovely thought right?) And I don’t mean the massive type lump that makes you cry that really is a metaphor for a softened heart. I mean a hard rough “something” that remains in my throat when I swallow. I feel it pushed to the side as I take a drink of my water. I wonder if it will go away. Ever.
I have an appointment with a new doctor. I have a referral if I want it ready to go from the current one. Who should I see? Where do I go? But today I got what my insurance has paid for the last two months and I really just want to throw up my hand say “forget it”. My family can’t afford this. I will just swallow hard and pray it all goes away. I feel compelled to do something about it. But what?
Or I could write about happier things like beautiful spring temperatures in March that make my girls happy or the fact that softball season and summer are coming. Those are all worthy of a blog post. Or that I finally made myself sit down and read a great book that was written recently.
But then I remember I found out my grandfather has cancer this week. He doesn’t just have cancer but he has bladder cancer and his lung cancer has possibly come back. As I called to check on him I realize it has been almost a year since I have seen him. And I chastised myself for being so selfish. How can I be so caught up in feeling so ill and with my busy life that my grandparents who help to raise me and live a short few hours away aren’t a bigger part of my life?
Then I proclaim out loud, “But my life is here.” But in my next breath I get frustrated because I have no family support here. What do I expect? Everyone to move here with me? It is hard you know? Having no family around. I love my guy’s family but I miss my family. But they don’t come. Rarely do they even call. I call them. I text them. Maybe I hear from them. My sister though. My one sister who gives a hoot about me. I talk to her. Things remain as they always have with her and I. She is one I can count on and vice versa for me. This is hard on me but I wonder what it does for my girls. Their family so small.
And then as I stood in my kitchen making dinner last night my guy sings to me a song that my grandpa always sang to my grandma while they were working together. We just got lucky enough to witness it on several occasions. Life was easy then. Hearing it though, it made my heart smile and I teared up a little. At that point I hadn’t even had the time to share the cancer news with him. So it was clearly laid upon his heart. It isn’t a song on the radio or written in word. I hugged him tightly and we let out a laugh and offered up a kiss and inside I was glad to know what love is.
Then I imagined that song being sang to me when my Grandpa is gone. What a dark and dreary place to go. What will that do? Will I cry? Will I hope my guy always remembers it as a fondly as we have since watching him sing it to her all those years ago? I don’t know right now. Right now I am trying to focus on what is blogworthy to even share.
It seems so silly to write about my funny macaroni story with # 3 or the coincidental pink eye that I am sporting when you are dealing with things that weigh so much heavier on your heart. I am not sad though because I know it will get better. When I see you today I will smile and offer my stories for fodder and wait for you smile and laugh. But my fingers, my writing self. It just won’t let me do it today. It is one of those days.