I know this weekend was tough in ways that few understand. I could write pages and pages of why but really no one would get it but you. But it became quite clear that you had two choices of how to deal with it. 1) You could eat. 2) You could drink. And well you did both. Not to the point of puke for either or even feeling like you wanted to puke. You used to do that with food. So while you know you had more calories than you should have, you didn’t do what you used to do. And you and I both know you are miles apart from that girl. You know the one? You have written about her before. She emotionally eats, you didn’t.
You aren’t her anymore. I know you think you are because she is what you think you see when you look in the mirror. But she isn’t. You knew what the day would bring and you reacted accordingly in moderation. That is not how she would have done it. She would drown herself in calories, fat, misery and then paid the price.
I assume you are paying a price via the guilt you are laying on yourself. But you know what is different? You woke up yesterday morning and realized it was a chance to keep going to keep moving this change forward. You were forgiving of your splurge and recognized for what it was. A social and emotional necessity to survive and the food and alcohol didn’t mask or hide that the way it could have or likely did before this.
While you may not always realize it, you aren’t the fat girl anymore. She has been gone for along time. It is important to know that fat girls aren’t the only ones who enjoy cupcakes. You can’t stop living, but you can choose how you live. And you make that choice daily and should be proud that your brain leads that decision, not your poor emotional health as it once did.
There is a reason why you decided to keep this relationship with the gym and your health (both mental and physical) going…365.157
Because YOU ARE NOT HER ANYMORE. It goes beyond pleasing other people, wearing a certain size, letting a scale determining your mood or what some medical test says. It was and has always been a complete and total change from who you used to be to becoming who you are. Be proud of it.
This post inspired another…Dear Self, Plagiarism. Read it.
If you find yourself offended, worried about me or just plain horrified that I call myself Fat Girl. It really is okay; take some time to get to know me. I am a beautiful and phenomenal woman and Fat Girl was who I was when I didn’t know that. Want to read more? Less of Me Journals.