I am so close to finalizing my draft for my class and then I will put the icing on my proverbial cake of Spring semester 2012. It was a good one and one I finally felt in control of. Last summer was hard. Things were uncertain. My life had a lot of uncertainties. The funny thing is I know now it really didn’t. Now looking forward to this summer I know THERE ARE UNCERTAINTIES. My whole life is basically uncertain….except for my family. (: But you know what I feel the most in control I ever have….It is a good OCD time.
_________Repost from October 11th, 2011_______
I felt all day yesterday the depression sneaking up on me again. It comes in a large wave. I fight it. I try and pretend it isn’t there. I put on my “happy” face for my friends and family. Then I go to the bathroom and puke. Yesterday my throat burned and as I swallowed and I swallowed hard I felt that burning move into my stomach. I sat down trying to give it up to God, to anyone. Just to someone. I ask myself, “Why?” Why now?
And there is never an answer. I felt as I grew more and more anxious and I tried to remember the wonderful weekend we had. The beautiful weather and focus on the memories made. Then I sit on the couch and hold my 2 year old daughter and I grab onto her for dear life. I kiss her forehead and thank God for her. Thank God for her sisters. Depression sucks. It steals me from them.
Eventually the panic sets in and I convince myself I am a horrible mother and wife and the list goes on and on. I feel embarrassed even typing this out so you ask why do you? Because I know these posts help others. I hear it. I do it because it helps me.
The weight of these things sit solely on my shoulders and I fight that damn darkness and my own inability to truly control any of it. I get so wrapped up in the darkness that I can’t barely see past it. I know that when there is light I am able to look at triggers and things that made the world seem so dark and hopefully react.
When you are in this frame of mind it is hard to imagine any other, but this blog is proof that tomorrow I will be okay and if not tomorrow the next day. That is why I write. I write it out because how does a writer deal with things? They write.
My worries are numerous, my OCD creates anxiety which in turn creates depression because I feel like I can’t be normal. The record just keeps playing on and on and on and on…..