I never get to involved in the cliche things that happen in the blogging world. As I have said numerous times I am constantly on the search for the authentic Mommy Rhetoric and I know for certain that I am not happy being anyone else but me. I don’t do things because they are cool, I don’t read things because they are popular, and I don’t give into peer pressure often.
But the other day an amazing blogger, Don’t Lick the Ferrets, posted a comment on my blog. Since then I have spent time getting to know her as a writer, mom and blogger. In that reading I found an amazing challenge. The 30 Days of Truth Challenge. One I think I could benefit from and maybe some of you will enjoy participating in yourself. Since much of this challenge seems about My Truth it will be riddled with self but a lot of this blog is about finding the self (if you haven’t figured that out yet). For that I don’t apologize. I hope you will see my act of exposing the self as courage and find your courage to do it for yourself.
Challenge Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. ~Attributed to Hanoch McCarty
Self doubt. I hate that I doubt that I have something valuable to offer the world. Last night I was sitting at my daughters softball practice. She is in a sea of girls that are good softball players. She is a good softball player. I began thinking back to my softball years, my all-star softball years. I had to fight so hard to even be on that field. Some of the girls had talent and some had parents with fat wallets, legacy names and pushy tactics. I never did that. It felt so hard at the time. I fought less with my mouth and more with my ability.
Most of the girls weren’t even my friends. They were all friends and would talk about parties they went to and what their boyfriend did at the prom. I had those things too, but I didn’t fit into their world and they didn’t fit into mine. But somehow I managed to make it onto that team summer after summer. Not because of my parents wallet, or my name. But because I had what it took to be out there. But once there self doubt took over.
Maybe I didn’t deserve to be there because I didn’t fit in. These aren’t my friends. We went to away games, far away. We stayed in hotel rooms for 3-4 days at a time and I always usually ended up alone in the bed with giggles being heard next to me. But I never missed. I would beg my coach to just give me a chance, let me pitch. Let me do it, please. I will show you. He knew I could do it because that was why I got picked to even be on the all-star team by the league. But his daughter, she pitched too. She whined loud too if I remember correctly.
I had that self doubt year after year and fought that battle each year with the same girls, the same coach and the same environment. So how does that still effect me today? Well I still have that same self doubt. We all do right? People tell me all the time, I wish I could be as “independent” as you. And I think, “Man I have them fooled.” And I guess what they mean is what I reference above. I know who I am and I am not afraid to be that person. But the part they don’t see. When I question myself, “Is that enough?” That my friends is self doubt.
Will I ever be good enough that I don’t doubt myself? The game of softball can apply to life. There are always those “named” families, people with money and the squeaky wheels that will always get the grease. I have made peace with the fact that none of those will ever be me. But are the things I do try and do and be in the world enough? Self doubt is not all that different than the Fat girl. It tells me I can’t or I shouldn’t. But somehow that self doubt holds me back from who I am. I know this. Age and maturity have taught me such. But I spend most of my time proving to myself that I shouldn’t doubt myself only to still doubt.
There is no magical ending to this post that says I have overcame. Truth is, I do every day. On that softball diamond it was my last year where I ended up pitching almost every game and my team made it to the World Series of Softball. I even got to pitch each and every game we played in the world series. I conquered that doubt. But a new one erupted in its place…Can I graduate college? Do I have what it takes to sustain this relationship? Can I teach this lesson? Am I good enough to be picked for this program? Am I acceptable as a mother? Wife?
On that bleacher yesterday watching my daughter, self doubt rumbled up. I wanted to just for one moment pause time and run out and tell my # 1 she is good enough somehow convincing her of what I cannot believe. But I suppose it is that self doubt that made me who I am. That mother in the bleachers, the teacher in the classroom, the graduate student and first in my family to get a Masters degree, the wife in a marriage that has lasted longer than most marriages I know of and a good and decent human being. I am Mommy Rhetoric and I really cannot ask for more, or can I?
It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth