It has been awhile since I have been taking part in 30 DOT. As I said, I don’t intend to write every single day, but I do intend to complete the project. So to carry on…
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
This is a hard one and probably why I avoided it. Forgiving oneself is hard. You either don’t believe you should because what in the world could you have done that you need to forgive yourself for or it is likely the very reason why this would be important and you need to just forgive yourself but it is hard and sometimes it hurts.
Likely my hardest hang up to forgive is my OCD and how it affects others in my life. They likely don’t even realize it most of the time. But my mind is consistently registering people and places as safe and not safe. If there is even a suspicion they are going to hurt me (real or imagined) I begin shutting them out deeming them unsafe.
Sometimes it doesn’t make any sense and sometimes it does. Since I have been med-free almost 2 years now (I think) this is probably the hardest part because my meds work for this. I feel like I am almost hypersensitive to things. I could tell them it isn’t them it is my OCD. But really I am adult living in an adult world and I have to find ways to cope with it.
But it goes to that very most raw emotion of not wanting to be hurt and trying somehow to control it. As if I can control what others do to me. Or against me. The reality is I cannot. They inevitably will hurt me. Hopefully, not intentional. But it will happen and I just have to be forgiving of them.
But more importantly forgiving of myself because sometimes this safe and unsafe label unfairly penalizes those I love or they get poor treatment because of it. I don’t mean to do it. I can’t help it. I won’t make excuses for it either. But when I choose to go med free for my OCD I knew that it would not help in this situation and I fully intend to accept those consequences.
That also means sometimes I live with tons of guilt over it. Thankfully, those that love me forgive me. Now I just have to forgive myself.
It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth