So I hate feeling vulnerable and today I feel vulnerable. A huge moment in my life is looming. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting to exhale but can’t. It isn’t all that bad of a place to be because really there is sweetness in anticipation. But this anticipation has been festering since May 21st and I am kind of over it. What happens when MR is vulnerable?
MR’s Fat Girl tells me it is time to eat, Momma! Thankfully I have been entirely too busy to go along with this plan. But in the last two weeks I have seen just how much I rely on food to relieve boredom, vulnerability and sadness. Heck when I am happy I try and celebrate with food. Some of that comes from a family that surrounds itself with good food for all moods. But honestly most of it is I have used it as a sad and pitiful crutch to make me feel better.
I read this amazing blog yesterday. I found it on pinterest. I normally ignore the before after pictures of chunky/skinny girls on there. For some reason I was drawn to this. Well that reason is I was sure it was a fake. But after I read her blog and saw just how brutally honest she was with herself, her readers and her weight I knew that I needed to be more honest with my Fat Girl. I need to constantly remind her she will not win this battle. I will!
So this lead me to PIN33) and Jen’s Journey. Initially I was like, “How can I use this as a pin?” But truthfully, this is the life I have been living for three years tomorrow and rightfully so I can add it as a tried and tested pin.
When I had # 3 I weighed so much. I still haven’t really had the guts to utter it too much. But it was embarrassing and when I look at pictures my journey was not all that different than Jen’s. I decided back then I was doing this thing and I HAVE NEVER EVER stopped. And I have bounced back and forth on the scale but usually it was because I let that Fat Girl win with what I put in my mouth. But never because I gave up.
But honestly, I have never really been a crap eater (thanks to OCD I struggle with fears of unknown people cooking my food and the more you hear of fast food poisoning the more I am like oh heck no!). My problem always lay within my liquid ingestion aka pop drinking so even though I made that decision three years ago to become healthy I never gave up pop. I was convinced I needed it to function.
Then in January I got sick. I had this unhealthy attachment to the idea I needed pepsi to function. So even though it made me violently ill to drink it I continued. Till finally I thought well if it is making me sick, I should stop and I did. I haven’t had any since. I switched to sweetened tea. Eventually weaning myself from the sweetened version to straight tea.
Anyway, the point of all this boring talk is that I am slowly but surely defeating that Fat Girl who tries to rule the roost around these parts. To the tune of I have lost 20lbs since January 19th solely by giving up pop. I am still working out but it is various forms compared to my usual go to the gym and sweat my bootay off. I have moved that exercise regime to the softball diamond, the bike, the sidewalk while running, and home videos and the gym when I can squeeze it in. Once the baby girls’ schedules simmer down it will be much easier to work out whenever my little heart desires…okay not really but you get the point!
But 20 lbs!!!!! YEAH! It is so much harder to lose weight now compared to when FAT GIRL was the real deal.
If you find yourself offended, worried about me or just plain horrified that I call myself Fat Girl. It really is okay; take some time to get to know me. I am a beautiful and phenomenal woman and Fat Girl was who I was when I didn’t know that. Want to read more? Less of Me Journals.