Whenever I am stalled out emotionally in life, my blog sucks. I know this. After over 10 years of blogging I have kinda of figured out the ebb and flow of how my writing self happens. I write through pain. When there is more than pain I shut down.
At the first of May, I began this totally awesome enlightening journey to figuring out who I am. The three weeks that followed were hard because I sat in limbo. Asking was I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Well that answer came. Remember here and here? Life was so professionally good most could probably hardly be around me cause my smile was so bright.
During all this time, my grandpa’s health got worse and worse. He had surgery for cancer. He was a long time smoker and survivor in remission of lung cancer. A rare, rare thing. I pushed it out trying not to think of it. But a little over a week ago I found out hospice had moved in and that really we were in the final stages.
That puts pressure on me. How may you ask? Because I am the one with the right words. I am the one that can come up with something to say. But I don’t have it this time. I have lost approximately one person in my life. My grandmother, Betty. The time and circumstances of her death to my life were awkward. I can’t even put it into words. I was selfish, I was young and I was stupid. I never absorbed it or even let myself be present in that grief for varying reasons.
But I assure you that cannot happen with my grandpa. I told you all I got my sentimentality and knack for words from him. As well, this is a grandfather that I lived blocks away from before I was born till I was a teenager. Then when I was a newly engaged/married woman. His house, it was the one I ran to when I needed to run away. He talked me off those cliffs and sometimes over them.
So I have this amazing thing happening in my life with my new job coupled with this horribly debilitating sadness encased in the inevitable death of my grandfather. It sucks. I can’t write through it. I have tried. Sure I can write surface crap that in the long run means nothing to me. But to write like I know I can write just hasn’t been happening.
And I apologize to you my readers. I want to write of my memories with him. Of funny things he does. His ornery demeanor. But really those memories seem so close and personal that I feel like putting them out there is me granting him the right to death.
And while I am on the right to death. I want him free. I want him out of pain. The last four months of his life have been covered in pain. I am ready for him to be okay to move on. But I don’t want to make it okay. If that even makes sense.
So yes I know my blog sucks lately. It is all just too much. I am in a massive state of panic for the job and a massive state of panic for my grandpa. More than anything I am praying for peace for those in my life that will be affected by this.