Have you ever fought back tears in front of a room full of teenagers. I am actually grateful they were there. I couldn’t soak it in. I could just let it bounce off. My eyes a little watery. They dripped. I blamed allergies and giggled it off. Inside I knew.
I looked at the clock this morning on my drive to work. I knew then. I said to myself, “Today’s the day.” He will be gone. He hasn’t eaten in over a week. It won’t be long now. And two hours later the call came. That time. The time on the clock. It was the time he took his last breath.
How did that land on my hear in that moment at that time? But it did. And I felt relief. Relief for no more suffering. And relief that he can now see me. See my life. Sometimes they don’t understand. Why I do what I do. What it is like to be me.
I think he got it. I felt like he did. He was never one that jumped at me with all the reasons why I was wrong. He just enjoyed the moments I was there. He didn’t tell me how I should just flip that OCD switch off. It doesn’t exist world because if it did. I would flip it. It would make life more simple and make sense. But it doesn’t. I don’t have it.
So off to a funeral I go. Decisions to make. Do I take # 2? Can she even handle such a social setting? And right now? Am I ready to be sad like that? I am not sure I am. What is my choice really? I will be there. I will grieve and cry. I will survive. It is what he would want us to do. Survive and celebrate him in another way. I imagine my guy and I will memorialize him in our own way. He was special to us for such a sweet and special time in our lives. And I know that due to us is a special dinner where we toast to him in only a way he would appreciate.
His favorite song…His favorite song.