When it rains, it pours.

Two weeks in the baby sitter quit and she is worried about doing all she needs to do. Normally, I could roll with the punches on this one. But I can’t. I cried. It is too much. Honestly, how much is a person supposed to handle? I already struggled with her being the the first kiddo I have not been there for 100% and now the baby sitter she calls “my babysitter” is not gonna be her baby sitter. I  am not mad at her. The exact reason she is quitting is the exact reason we were a bit leery in hiring her. We were convinced we could pay her enough to make it work. Not the case. That is unless of course we could pay what a 40 hour week normal job would pay. And we could but that is far above the average wage for this area and it is a 3 day a week job.

So we do have some other options, but I didn’t really want to be interviewing and making decisions out of desperation and the immediate need for help. Our options seem viable and maybe even more reliable. And some may ask why not day care? You know they will be there. And that is certainly an option but my own screwed up sense of right and wrong thanks to OCD struggles with child care and this horrified version of it. And no…I know none of it true. Well not entirely. I have seen some shady dealings at day care in my parenting day and those things stand strong in my mind. But more than anything OCD reminds of all the germs in those places and those germs unidentified equal “unsafe” and remember when I look at things in the world they are labeled “unsafe” and “safe” and so basically it is my own issue and I may just have to get over it.

I have gone and made my family upset at me because I opted to leave my # 2 and # 3 home from the funeral. The #2 was the obvious issues of anyone that knows her and yes I could have taken her and would have become exhausted at the barrage of questions on why she is acting the way she is. Again I need that damn sign to hang around her neck and one for mine that says, “Leave me alone. I am with her.” I needed to grieve on Friday. I needed to be in that moment. So did my guy. It was just better off. And # 3 didn’t come cause she was sick. Why drag a cranky, snotty three year old to a funeral when you don’t have to and have a baby sitter already paid? She ended up sleeping most of the day anyway.

Oh and the icing on my cake is my students were supposed to have access to the internet to use their ipads. The majority of the novels I have assigned you have to have access to the internet to even get them. They don’t have them and I cannot assume they can get them at home. I had to go with plan b or C. The upside of that is all of this week we are exploring mood and tone in the blues. The job is good. There are few students I am trying to figure out and have pushed me to my boundaries and suffered the wrath. But there are those few students who remind me why I do this. They just need someone to have faith in them and remind them the can do it. But I do love it. I think I need to let go of that idea that I will be for everyone. I won’t. It is hard to accept.

I need some peace. I need some love. I need some silence. I hope to get a little bit of it all soon.

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