“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
So as I begin emerging into the regular world I laugh at all the comments I get. From, “Where have you been?” to “Are you doing better?” And I know they mean well and that shows they care. I imagine any new job is an adjustment. But with me be an OCD suffer I find myself resisting change and when I am in the midst of it I am all out miserable. I think sometimes that resisting people mistake my actual feelings or belief. They see panic disguised at being grumpy. They see me being overwhelmed as unhappy. They see me falling off the face of the earth as not caring. None of these I actually am.
It is just my OCD. Though I consider myself in the best phase of my OCD, meaning fully managed, OCD is no different than any other anxiety disorder. It ebbs and flows with the tides. It can be triggered by something as little as someone puking by me or me hearing, to the gigantic life changes that seem to happen from time to time.
When I am in a good phase I always feel so foolish and selfish for how wrapped up in the moment I get. Which is why the mantra “Live in the moment” strikes up my anxiety. Too often my OCD forces me to live in the moment to be real with the situation. In the last three months that is all I have done. I survived moment to moment. No different than any other mom transitioning to a new high demanding job.
I just never want it to be mistook for unhappiness, ungratefulness or anger. I am all of those things yes. But I am that at my OCD. Not my new job, not my changing life or not the people around me. I never even realize how bad it was until I am passed it and I hear those comments.
It is funny because I have been hearing it so much lately how happy I am or how I seem ummmm well tipsy. And I get it. Those things tell me just how anxiety ridden I was. Even my students told me yesterday that in the last few weeks they have watched me let my guard down. Have fun and just do my thing.
Anxiety is a bitch. And I have chosen to deal with my anxiety without meds. Sure I know those few months might have been a bit easier if I gave into the pharmaceutical America. But whenever I have been on meds there are sacrifices I made that I am just not willing to make. And more importantly, I suspect I have lived with undiagnosed OCD for many years, but I have seen been diagnosed and treated. A successful treatment that tells me there is always an end. Eventually Mommy Rhetoric wins.
I don’t discount that meds work for me. They do. I just have to weigh their need in my life. Right now, a job change I just think not so much. I survived. And you know why? Cause I have an awesome support system. I have an awesome guy who never wavered in our decision for me to take this job and reach my goal and my dream. I have an amazing group of friends who constantly supported me an uplifted me as I may have been biting off their faces, I have the most beautiful and caring daughters who show me every day why I do this and why I get to the other side. And all of my new friends….it just does not get better. I know this.
That doesn’t mean I don’t slide back from time to time. But I know that with those slides often come huge slides forward and at the end of the OCD anxiety ridden time there is sunshine and light. Because there always is. I have survived some pretty crappy things that my OCD made just that much worse. But in the end, my life, my family, and my friends are in tact.
It feels a little weird to end this here, but that is where it ends. I know there will be more tomorrows with OCD, but I also know….I will survive.