Losing Myself.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Leo Tolstoy 

I truly believe the only way we can change others is if we first change ourselves. But folks, change is hard. Yes I got a new job and yes my life has drastically changed. But I truly think it is more about perspective.

My perspective is so different. What I am finding out about myself is that there are some pretty amazing things about me. I am also finding and exposing those weak nerves. Seeing the ugly sides of myself in the mirror.

The self esteem juggernaut that says, “You can’t do this.” Or worse, that I shouldn’t. But how can I reach the epitome of my dream and not just be a natural fit? I have misunderstood this for lack of happiness when really all it exposed is lack of confidence in myself. I don’t teach like her or her. And I am the type of teacher who wins games now and championships later. Is that a compliment? I think it is.

But are we in a game now? Is this real? I go to work every day and I do my thing. I teach kids to write better, to read better and to think better. I get a little annoyed if they ask for directions for the 100th time because they didn’t listen. I kind of screw up attendance a lot. My classroom management probably lacks some because I am not loud, and controlling.

But I am there. I truly am living my dream. The one I had so very long ago. I let my self confidence tell me I wasn’t enough. I doubted I could do it. Then I read Great Expectations with my students and I began to see that my life isn’t all that different than Eminem in 8 mile. Am I losing myself?

So this week I am teaching themes and I am using this song and a few others to prove that we have to seize the moment. If I am getting so caught up in what I am not then I am losing a hell of too much. This doesn’t just apply to teaching. It applies to the last three months of my life.

My girls who have patiently waiting for me to be back to normal and my guy. But I am proud of how far we have all come. I have changed their lives significantly and I am so tired of looking at the bad and hard side of that. As I said on Saturday. Here is where the magic happens. Where I do grab my dream and be my dream. Not just teaching but as a working mom and wife and every other stinking label I wear.

I got this thing. I never expected it to be easy so time to stop whining about it being hard. Besides how bad could it be I got to throw all their opinions of me out the window because not only did I know this song, but I had it memorized. I am all about confusing the norm. So I guess it is just a natural part of the process for me.

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3 thoughts on “Losing Myself.

  1. I LOVE this post! I struggle a LOT when I think about being a nurse. We start clinicals soon and I get scared about not doing things right. I just need to have confidence! This is my dream and what I want to do. Thanks for the inspiration to move forward!

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