It is too much.

Some may wonder why I shut down my blog on Friday. And even I did for a bit. I came home from school and I walked right into my computer and I sat my settings to private. It was an innate act that I did with little thought for the consequences.

I got into bed and pulled the covers over me and cried. I did what most OCD suffers do when they realize sometimes this medical issue overtakes. I gave up. For less than 24 hours I gave into OCD and I realized that I control very little in this life. I can wake up and be a good person and have faith that the people in the world are good people and in a matter of seconds I am reminded that both of those things are in flux constantly. The ebb and flow of anxiety causes me moments where I just gotta be.

Therefore, I shut the blog down because it wasn’t about me. It isn’t about how these types of situations make me suffer from my OCD. I would have given you all a post proclaiming how awful OCD is and it is so hard. And it is. But I will take that any second over what the people of Newtown are going through. The poor parents, the poor teachers and the poor town.

Life is not supposed to happen that way. I know this. I had two perspectives that just placed it a little too close to home. I am a mother and then I am a teacher. It is devestating. The day it happened my students came back from a passing period and said, “Did you see the news?” I had a student teacher in there and my classroom full of students looking for my reaction. They don’t know my OCD and they don’t know my anxiety. I responded no. I googled it. They asked if they could watch the live feeds on their ipads. I said for just a few moments. I needed to process and so did they. We watched it together. We discussed it briefly and  then I ushered them onto other tasks. Not because I am careless or didn’t think they needed to talk. I decided they needed things to be normal.

But how in the world if you are student do you read and hear that a mass murderer gunned down that many small children and their teachers and deal with it? That is not normal! They wanted to know why and there really is no answer. In that moment, I decided they needed me to be consistent. I assured them that they were safe at school and that we all would do our best to take care of them and then we moved on.

I sat at my desk in befuddlement. It was just too much. Normally, the obsessive side of my OCD would have come home and glued myself to both the net and the tv listening and figuring out why. But I just could not. I tried even because that is how I feel back in control in these instances. But this was too much. It is just isn’t possible. Even still over a week later I refuse to even let my thoughts of it come in. I turn the channel, skip the news story and ignore the facts.

It is too much. I am super thankful for my family and friends who called me constantly and reminded me to fight and take my own power back. And thank goodness for my shopping trip with MJ. I was able to keep my focus on what matters and that is my girls, my guy and my students. They need to see me together and strong. But none of it is right!

Thank goodness for Mike Posner who wrote this amazing song. It makes me cry so hard because I could have written it. That is exactly how I feel. I will never regret entering my profession for the fear of this. Ever. Ever.

And it isn’t really a political thing for me. I know how I feel about guns. I know the things I support when it comes to guns. I have no interest in throwing them out there for others to criticize or argue with me. But I do think we have to address some serious issues that we have with guns in the US. I don’t believe these things will completely eradicate this sort of violence. If someone is determined laws won’t stop them. That is why we have prisons. But instead,  I actually think we need to address how mental illness is addressed in our society. Maybe some of that is gendered or in a video game. I don’t know. All I know is we aren’t talking about it enough.

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