Should I stay or should I go?

It has been made evident multiple times that I am found out. Outted here. My identity revealed. That I have discussed here before. But I must admit the more I think of my students meandering around my MR blog, the more I feel encroached upon. This is my space. I reprimand them and tell them I am not all that exciting. I do like that they get to see I am real live human, with a life, a family and cares. But I hate the idea of the easy access to me. To my family.

imagesI am a blogger. I have been for awhile. So I wondered if I shouldn’t maybe start a new blog? Do I lose my mommy rhetoric identity and create a new one? The identity that I finally feel at home in and love. Mommy Rhetoric is me and I am her. And I know that really my life is NOT that exciting that they would read and be so riveted they stay.

So alas, the break. I have taken approximately the last three weeks off (almost a month) to think. Decide. Wonder. I am not sure that decision is made. I don’t want to give up this space. But I don’t want this space to become the place students come to investigate Mrs. E. But I have made peace with the public forum of which I write. I did that a long time ago. So I guess maybe these are growing pains of a new sort.

Teaching kids is way different than teaching to adults. My identity is tied to perception. I love my job, I love our program and I worry at times that I represent something much bigger than myself in this forum. So I need to move forward methodically with great thought placed on that movement. Does this make sense?

As well, Mommy Jargon and I are wanting to do a blog together. I mean truly together. Not guest posts. One where she is herself and I am me. This is something I have always been highly interested in. But will that space be too much with this, my job and school. And school is just about over. I will be the proud new owner of my MA in English from IU this summer. I KNOW that my life will look significantly different come this summer. But that is hard for me to even contemplate considering I have not ever stopped schooling since August of 2002.

So this is where I am at. You all will be the first to know. I will blog…not sure when and how. But I will blog. For now, I am keeping this space and trying to see myself in it!

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So where did I go I suppose you want to know.

I would love to give some grand excuse for my absence. I have none. Feeling the bumps and hills of life as it were. Falling in love with my curriculum this semester. I get to do some really unique stuff.

I guess I just don’t have much to peep about. Or at least peep about that can be done in public. I am worn out but in a good way. I am in my little cocoon with my guy, and my girls, starting up my classes and just being me!

MommyJargon and the Precious Gift

So after agreeing not to buy each other gifts for Christmas, my husband surprised me with an ipad.

Sure I cheated too.  I bought him cute little animal cable ties to make running all the cables for our TVs and computers fun, and I bought him special silly putty that cleans keyboards.

I spent a whopping ten bucks.

I got over my petty fairness issued pretty quickly though.  Because ipads are cool.

So cool that I have taken to have fake tummy aches just so I can steal the ipad and lock myself in the bathroom with it instead of sharing it with my 4 year old, who has developed some sharing issues of his own too.

So cool that when I carry it around the house I look like I am hugging it.

So cool that I often sleep with it next to me on my night stand.

My husband has taken to calling it “My Precious” while imitating Gollum’s voice.

A walk down memory lane…

Because I need a time sucker in my life. But it was a welcome one. Before we started trying for Ashley I became a part of this internet community of women. Most of them were similar in age and stages of life and even more so many of them (at least 15 to 20) are a part of my current life. We stay in contact via facebook, snail mail and even seeing each other.

But today I got ahold of the internet archived address of my journal. So old school it was a journal because blogging didn’t exist. But I now have official proof I have been at this for a long time. I love the obvious of seeing myself grow and change as a mother and wife and seeing just how far I have come.

But more than anything I love seeing the reminder that me. This me…the writer me has always existed in some form or another. I took it one step further and made my life about writing. And even more so I am the cusp of teaching my most favorite thing. Creative writing. It has been life changing for me to pursue this.

I never wanted to become a famous novelist or write for the most popular newspaper. I wanted to write every day in my own terms about things I love. Now I get to do that, I get paid for it. And I get to share that love and passion with my students.

It is hard for me to not give loads of credit back to this amazing community I was a part of so long ago. I started it on a whim and it was me. I have loved it since and it was my driving force to follow my dreams. All of them!

 

 

And I have nothing to say?

How is that even possible? I have sat down to write about four posts this holiday break and I get 2 sentences in and just decide. Uhhh I don’t feel like it. There just isn’t much to say about MR’s life during the holidays I guess. This break was a quick one. The older two and my guy only home a week and half. I just have two additional days that are just about over.

SO please don’t think I am not coming back. I am. I guess MR needed a holiday as well!

Ready to do it all again!

Every year since I have blogged I try and take a look back and where I have been. If you don’t look back and see growth therein you should be able to better see your problems. I must admit I am quite proud of the changes in my life.

From Jan 2012,

“Something has changed. Or maybe I changed. I don’t know. Or maybe now that I am larger part of the system and I see things that have changed my outlook. I just struggle being a part of it. When I was an undergrad I really did idolize the masters program and I can’t place my finger on it or this feeling and where I need to go to “fix” it or if it is even something that is fixable and not just the natural order of things. Maybe that is the problem you walk in with stars in your eyes and you get let down. Being that I spent the better part of the last week laying down thinking and possibly over thinking all of this I have had a lot of time to comb over stuff and I can feel indifference erupting from me, but I am not sure what I can even do about any of it.” -MR

I should have realized then that changes were afoot. I was feeling restless and helpless. It is not so much that my job gives me so much leverage for change, but I certainly have a huge part and stake in the education of my students that most teachers don’t have. Because of the 1 on 1 of our program I create these relationships with my students that allows me some activism in my classroom. As in, I dare some politician to tell me what I do does not matter. I do care too much, but that isn’t always a bad thing!

From Feb 2012,

“And just in case you have wondered it has been far too long since I have worked out. MommyJargon had her surgery and complications. Then I had my own. This week we will finally find ourselves back at the gym. I am ready. I need to sweat. I need to do something for me. Working out has always been my “me time”. I get to hang out with MJ and I get to work out. As well, I have gained weight and it pisses me off. I gotta keep moving.” – MR

Just yesterday as MJ and I worked painting yet another room together. Our therapeutic bonding ritual it seems we mulled over this above sentiment. One that really stuck. We never really did get back to working out fully. Our lives changed. Our directions and goals changed. We tried to determine are we sick of it? Was it too much? Are we lazy? I am not sure we arrived at any answers, but we both agreed our priorities are just different. Some could take issue with that, hell I would have taken issue with that two years ago, but for my life it is so full. It is an expense that I cannot carve out time for. I hope when graduate school is over, life will be a little more normal (if there is such a thing) and I can get back on the treadmill more regularly. Thankfully, my eating habits have totally changed mostly because I spend most of my day in front of classroom full of students. I don’t shove my face full. The weight has been coming down slow and steady.

From Mar 2012,

“I have spent the last 11 years of my life preparing for, living with, nursing a baby. And while I loved everyblessedmoment I feel like we have paved a new ground here. My guy and I are beginning to see ourselves as more than Mom and Dad. #3 gets more independent every day. #2 is beginning to slowly and more healthy venture out into her social world and #1 has done gone and forgot us.

This world out there existed that neither of us could bare to think about or exist within it. I am sure with the two of us being in college the majority of those at least last 6 years have played a large role in that. We were too busy living in the moment from one baby girl to the next. And that was good living. But now it is time to do the raising.” – MR

I guess this was the moment that I realized that I would have no more babies, that I was growing up and that it was time to move onto the next phase of parenting. The busyness of taxi driving, hormones, competitive siblings and just life. We like it! I still love it!

From Apr 2012,

“The conversation was nice for several reasons. One, she had a perspective I hadn’t thought about. A long time English teacher having seen a whole lot of students, administrators and just the whole of education change. Two, what the teaching profession of English consists of in her field, high school. What I realized that while the two arenas of college and high school are vastly different by standards and regulations much of the problems they see are similar. My naivety is hardly masked in my hopeful dreams of being that teacher that changes the world. Her experience tells her  those things happen every day.

The conclusion to be a good teacher doesn’t require certain experiences and education. And while those things certainly enhance the classroom in a variety of ways, but the one and only true method to make a great teacher is dedication. Dedication to the idea that we will get through and we will teach to the best of our ability always.” – MR

This truly was the moment that I decided I wanted to try and teach high school. Not even a day later I applied for the job I have now. A thought I never even entertained until this conversation with her. I can never explain what that conversation meant to me. It changed me and my life.

From May 2012,

mickeyWho can forget Mickey and #3? It is amazing to me just how clean he is here. He has the stains of permanent love now. All of my kids had fad love affairs with their critters. But none more consistent or solid as that of #3 and her Mickey.

From Jun 2012,

“We wanted her so bad. She was so special and filled a hole that had been created in our loss. But nothing about her was ever normal. And you know what…I wouldn’t change a thing. She came screaming dramatically into this world and her life has not been any different.” – MR

Commemorating the birth of # 2. I am one lucky momma!

From Jul 2012,

“I just wish if we are gonna talk politics we turn our attention more to mental illness and those types of politics. Follow the likes of Glenn Close who pushes for this cause because we can and should talk about mental illness. A great place to start… Bring Change 2 Mind. Then maybe we can find ways to support one another and ways to expose these types of evils before they make national headline news and we all sit back in shock asking ourselves why.” – MR

I still feel exactly the same. Sure guns are an issue. But more than anything mental wellness/illness is shamed in society. We need to talk about it. PERIOD!

From Aug 2012,

Short and sweet. I started my new job. I lost my grandpa. I started a new semester of graduate school full time while working full time. This was all out craziness. But I survived.

From Sep 2012,

“I knew this would be hard but the hard part is missing parts of my old life that I just can’t maintain anymore. I keep feeling like I figure it out and I do for a day and then. I don’t. I suppose some day I will be normal.” -MR

This is a glimpse into that craziness. OCD is never a friend of mine in the midst of change.

From Oct 2012,

“I have officially made it through my first 9 weeks. I am ready to tackle the next 9. I realized (no) learned a lot about what I did wrong. I had that talk with my students that I made mistakes and I am fixing them. So get ready. I got smarter about some things and more laxed about others. Most of it all is just adjusting.” -MR

Yea, see I told you I survived! Good news, I made it through the second 9 weeks now too! Halfway done with my first year! And ready to do it all again!

From Nov 2012,

“And their story also reaffirms my faith that women are powerful. So are men. But wow what we can accomplish when we place our differences at the door and let go of what we “think” matters we can finally get to the heart of what is important. And during this time it was finding their voice and creating their space to do it in. And I am part of that discovery. Wow, just wow!” – MR

I am a strong woman. I support women around me to be their strongest. I am raising strong women. So I love to tell their stories!

From Dec 2012,

“I can’t make you feel better tonight or even fix it tomorrow. But I can be here and remind you that you are enough. You will always be enough and anyone that treats or tells you different is wrong. Remember tonight, this hug and my reminder that a different you is better than the same old somebody else. ALWAYS!” -MR

And this moment was hard but needed. I have amazing children and my life is a blessing even with the hard stuff.

IT WAS AN AMAZING YEAR!