For my past readers and new ones Just Write is a series held by a blogger where the whole goal is to just sit down and write. I am an avid free writer and am creating a generation of avid free writers in my classrooms. Free writing is good. When we let go of boundaries, when we cut the crap and just write…amazing things happen.
Some of my most popular blog posts were when I participated in the the Just Write series over at The Extraordinary Ordinary. One blog post alone garnered over 500 hits in one day. But what was it about that day that I said something that mattered? What nerve did I strike?
I wrote about not being enough. How I never felt like I was enough and I needed to find a way to figure out how I can be enough. Sad news to report is I never did. I wanted to be enough. I want to accept parts of my life that I have too. But I can't. I mentioned being almost 36 at the time. And now I am almost 37. A year later and life is the same.
I still tangle with myself with this stuff on the daily. I look at my inbox of important things to do and see and buzz right pass the part of my inbox that can wait. But it just waits. Its things like the hair cut I need. Or that diet I want to try. It is book I have been dying to read. It is the vac I need to run. Are you seeing the pattern? Because I do.
I posted earlier this week on facebook a desparate attempt at consolation for my feeling lackluster about myself. Messages started coming in quick and fast. Likes. Boom. Boom. Boom. But as soon as I posted it I felt stupid. Those things are things. And really I felt bad because the night before I tossed everything else aside to be a mom and wife. And I needed someone/anyone to like my post and tell me it was okay.
That meant I didn't return a few emails and voicemails. It meant I left some papers ungraded and my website not updated. But it also meant I decided to make dinner with my girls. And it meant we spent a little extra time at dinner naming things we thought were the best qualities of each other. It started as a punishment because # 3 called # 2 stupid. Once I heard them I got suckered in and made us all do it. I sat and breathed and listened. After that I was done for. I knew what needed to be done and that was be a momma and a wife.
That is until my head hit the pillow. Then the mental to do list that flashes in my head every single stinking night blinked a little louder and brighter. And I sought out comfort from those out there in social media land. I felt like a failure. I judged myself so. I mean I know what is REALLY important, but I wondered, "What is it about working motherhood that I don't get that other working moms do cause I suck. And I can't do it all."
You know you buzz your feeds and see this and that and feel increasingly inadequate in every label that you are. The thing is a year later my feelings towards myself are just same. I push harder, I try harder and fail just as much. I think eventually the spindle and the wheel will work and it will flow smoothly. But I know it won't.
And again I guess I set out on another year of trying to be okay with it.