Just Write: # 4

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” 
― John GreenThe Fault in Our Stars

I thought about you again today. I think of you most every day. I think about you still. It has been 10 years since I told you goodbye. Thankfully the day passed again without my thought. But two days later. I did. I thought of you and I cried. I felt it the way I feel it every year. A sad and horrible loss. I think about what could have been and long for what wasn't. But I also am grateful that I have this now. This life. My # 2.  

Then I dig in my closet and I come across your quilt.  And I know it isn't fair. I know I changed that day. I know Daddy changed that day. I know there was the me before and the me after. She was innocent. She was hopeful and clueless that pain could exist. Then there is me. The one that has been left dealing with it. And yes it has gotten easier. But sadly that means the memories fade and grief like that doesn't. I am conflicted. 

But I am finally at the top of that grieving hill. I feel at peace and rest knowing that what was meant to happen happened as it should. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I still have to know always that a part of me is missing. A part of us. I have to never bring you up mostly because it is too hard to explain. Sometimes I want to shout it to the world and other times it feels unbearable to even utter your existance. 

But usually I just put on a smile and I live the life like you never existed. Sometimes it hurts. But usually it just is. I thought about you again today. I think of you most every day. 

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