I had a lot I wanted to say. This week was rough. The fall always is. I was looking for some comfort
by reading my old writing and low and behold look what I found. Written exactly two years ago almost to the day.
But gentle readers, (said in true Bronte style) god damn it, I am stuck. The very thought of what her day consists of has consumed me. The very incessant need to change things for her and make them better when I physically cannot makes me ill. My incessant need to educate others makes want to wear around a sign that says the following:
It is not a cold, it won’t go away.
It is not like a faucet she can just turn off.
She will never be like your kid or yours or yours
and that is okay.
No medicine will fix her.
She is as normal as you are…THINK ABOUT IT!
But what will that do? It doesn’t fix anything for her. And maybe that is the problem. I am her mom and I cannot fix this for her. I am supposed to be able to do that.
I know I have given very little explanation on her diagnosis and my reason for doing that in this blog is because I believe someday she will know this blog exists and would not want me to share it. But trust me. My sweet baby girl who we wanted so badly has been handed a shitty card deck. School makes that so much harder for her. I try and convince myself and my guy it will get better or even that I am making it worse than it truly is because that is what I do. I am a mom, I worry. And maybe it is all of that.
Someone put it to me the other day, “She needs you to fight for her and with her. You will always be that person to pull her up when she is down and it will be a lot. But you are allowed to step aside and just sometimes let things fall where they may and even be angry!” I think I need to figure out how to give myself permission to do all of that so I can breath. So she can breath and be a normal 7 year old. I am not sure I can ever accomplish that fully but it won’t go down without a fight.
I need to remind myself that this is the way it happens every fall. She adjusts, therefore we adjust. It is not easy, but no one ever promised it would be. I can do this. I gave birth to this beautiful child and that love is a love that sustains because God is good. He does not dole out more than we can handle.