It is all that matters.

Hey you…yeah you. You judgey mcjudgerton. I see you watching me. I get the messages you are trying to send. You think I am a bad mom. Or a bad wife. Or fill in the blank with whatever bad it is you think you witnessed. 

You saw me forget something or not react the way you wanted me too. Maybe I snapped a little
I-am-enough harshly at my girls or maybe not harsh enough. Maybe I didn't do what it is that you think I should have done soon enough or the right way. Maybe I didn't handle that situation right, or go about it the way you think I should have. 

But I promise if you waited just a bit longer or criticized a little less your version of what you think you see would be very different. Look a little deeper, watch a little longer and forgive a little bit more. 

I am merely mom, wife, teacher and list of many other things just trying to do it all. I don't half ass anything I do. In fact, I give every single little bit of my soul to everything that has my name attached to it. You don't see that do you? 

You didn't see me rub my guys back till he fell asleep because he didn't feel well. And you didn't see me scour the earth for just the right shirt to create this vision of #2's costume that only she could envision. I tried to see it, I listened to it. I didn't tell her I didn't understand. Instead, I went all over every where to find exactly what it was that she needed to make it happen. You didn't see me talking over my girls days with them as we stretched the dough to our pizzas and placed the pepperoni's just right. You didn't see me sneak a pee break really quick between the neighbor visiting and dropping off halloween goodies and the round of dishwasher clean up and dishes I had to do between two loads of laundry. And that is my at home life. 

You didn't see me struggle to comment on student's drafts. I mean real meaningful comments. I do that because I always watch them scour and search for my remarks. They want my approval and when they don't have it, they feel rejected. You didn't see me teach a roomful of kids today about complex characters and character foils about a novel that they all struggle with. But I watched and I saw the light bulb come on. And you didn't see the 10-15 private conversations I had with various students who were struggling personally, emotionally or academically. Or that one student who I reminded if she ever needed a reminder that could do it to see me ASAP. Or that in my few free moments today I spent googling how to encourage kids who really don't want to learn or thinking of the kid who is choosing the fail and exploring ways I can change that. 

I don't do it for the notarity or to even say, "Dang, look at all I can do." I do it because this is the life I chose and I love this life. I wouldn't change it for the calmest, most put together life out there. But instead what you see is the things I forgot or how I didn't do this the way you think I should. 

And you have that right to your opinion. But you should know that when I go to bed at night my family is loved and cared for beyond the sun. I know that. They know it. That is all that matters. When I wake up my day is put in to pay for my family's needs and wants and they are met just fine. I know that and they know that. It is all that matters. I go to work knowing my girls are loved and cared for by the people in their every day lives. I know that and they know they. It is all that matters. I raise my girls to hopefully (like me) identify their proper priorities and I hope I am a gleaming example of that every day. 

So yea, I didn't go to that meeting. And I may have forgotten that candle party or haircut. I may have left that in the bag unintentionally. But good grief I am trying. And to be honest, I am doing a darn good job. And it is all that matters. 

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