This song will forever remind me of my guy!
This song will forever remind me of my guy!
Repost from 8.21.11:
The whole summer my # 2 has been obsessed with getting a pink pair of Chuck Taylor’s. She has begged, plead and asked a gazillion times for them. My mind kept flashing back to when she was 2 and I thought buying a pair of white Chuck Taylor’s for all the family would be a great idea. My guy and #1 refused to wear them and only donned them once to appease my flabbing mouth. I wore mine and tossed them out with the garage sale pile. Only to find myself wishing I had kept them. But # 2 she adored them. However, every time she wore them she ended up with skinned knees and hurt elbows. I am not sure if it was the rubbery bottom or what but she always managed to snag her feet and land face first. I went out of my way to hide them. For the next few years she eyeballed #1′s in hopes she could squeeze her feet in them once she grew up enough. I chucked them in the garage sale pile to her disappointment.
Now make that fast forward sound to the end of her 1st grade year and she started going on and on about having a pair. She would see some in the store and just go nuts. I shushed her away and told her she needed something more practical. You won’t wear them. She is so funny about the way shoes feel that I was convinced it would never work. Well folks, she wore me down! Yesterday I finally bought her second pair of Chuck Taylor’s in pink.
We get home from shoe store and she goes running back to her room and picks out the most hideous (to me) socks. They are knee high black background with peace, hearts and squiggly’s all over them and neither sock matches the other and add this to her mismatched clothes and two different earrings and she was ahh…looking unique. She is all proud that she finally has these long sought after shoes and has created the perfect outfit to go with it. She says, “Mom, this is just the look I wanted to make.” I was in a hurry because we were headed to hospital and before I thought about what I said I blurted out, “Honey, now is not the time for that kind of style.” That is the funny thing about # 2. The more mismatched and hideous the better for her. She likes it that way. She actually remembers most of life by her clothes. She has an uncanny sense categorizing her life by what she wears. She ran back and threw on some plain white socks and a regular ol’ outfit and said nothing.
Once we were driving I realized I just crushed a tiny bit of her individuality. We didn’t hear loud sirens going off telling me what a pushover I was being and she didn’t throw some big tantrum to remind me. Instead, I taught her how to fit into society’s norms and not be who she is as if it were something to be corrected. And frankly, I hate that. I am always so envious of those people that can branch out and wear those crazy socks like no one cares. What I like most about those people is that they don’t care. They could care less what others think. So shame on me for telling her there was something wrong with the way she looked. Especially for something as silly as a visit to the hospital that would have surely made her grandma smile if she saw those crazy socks.
Sometimes it is hard with # 2. I am pretty laid back, demure, quiet and plain jane kind of gal. You know the khaki, sage green sandal kind of person. #2 is the furthest thing from that, so I gotta try and let her be. She doesn’t have to be that image of who I think she should be because really I just want her to be who she is. The crazy sock, mismatched clothes and two different earring wearing girl in pink converse. I want her to be what I often do not have the courage to be. I hope by allowing her to be that person I somehow manage to find a little bit of my own girl in the mismatched clothes, crazy socks and two different different earring wearing girl in pink converse.
This passed weekend was absolutely jam packed. My students made it to State in the spellbowl and I had a student who came in the very next day after they had won their spot come running into me begging me to come and watch her. I immediately said yes. However, my intention was always to go. I didn't want to just be a teacher to teach. I wanted the whole experience. Plus it was so fun to see my students in this this way shining. They always do in my eyes but this experience was awesome to see them shining.
The competition was at Purdue University. I have a weird relationship with Purdue. Weird as in it is part of what drives my success. I remember when I was younger and my sister was identified as gifted. She was invited to go to Purdue for a summer camp. I remember riding in the car with my mom to drop her off. I remember arriving on campus and feeling so small among the college buildings. I remember the people every where and they all looked so smart. The images stuck with me and this idea of going "there" to become a better me. I have never let those images go and they really have driven me.
My goal and intention was never really to go there perse but to go to college. I just remember wishing and hoping I could go to a campus like that. Eventually my goal became to go to Ball State but life intervened. I could say I have some regrets about that but I really don't. I needed to go my path to become the best me.
Also, my guy is a Purdue Grad and grew up with his parents being huge huge huge supporters of the Boilermakers. In fact, when he proposed he told me to plan our wedding around Purdue Sports. Then when I went to IPFW which is primarily a Purdue Campus I worked for Purdue as a graduate teaching aid. I just continue to remain proud of those ties and honestly am at least pulling for # 1 to go there. Though I haven't shared that with her.
As I walked around the amazing campus looking around and taking it all in on Saturday, I decided that I needed to bring my girls here. I needed to bring them to all the campuses we could muster in our great state. So they too could have those images planted in their heads. They need to feel comfortable there and movign around it. Now I have to say I am super impressed with their schools because it is in their daily curriculum to constantly talk about and take trips to local campuses. But it wouldn't hurt to expose them more.
I came back to my Dad's house and told them all that we would be doing campus visits to the Indiana Colleges. I wonder if that makes me overbearing? But honestly, I don't care. I just want them to know their options and to use the experience and images to drive them the way it has me.
We had our first Thanksgiving this weekend at my Dad's house. He always makes the best turkeys. He was deep frying his turkeys before it was mainstream and they were always so good. My girls go ga ga over them. We knew we were headed there and it was close to Thanksgiving but had no idea if he was doing it. I didn't want to ask him to do it because it is a job. And he had already planned to do it so we were so excited.
I am thinking about purchasing a turkey fryer for the indoors. They are just so yummy. But the way my dad does it scares me. It is the big huge deep fryer that must be outside and with lots and lots of grease. This method seems way safer and I have a lot more control. He is so good at it. Me, not so much!
We usually handle turkey detail around here so I am thinking maybe we will. I gotta talk to my guy!
Well I had lots of additions of friends to my Facebook which means they will likely find their way to my blog. My history as a blogger is long and well long. But I wanted to remind anyone that is finding their way here that this is my space to vent, to write, to cry, to parent, to teach and to so much more. I am a writer. Sometimes it is easy to think this is all me all the time when you are here. But it isn't. It is a moment in time. It is a few stolen moments away from my kiddos, or my work or my life. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am in love. Sometimes I am riddled with anxiety. But I am really just trying to be me here. A real person, with real feelings, living a real life. Most of that time that has nothing to do with anyone else. It is just my life as I see it.
I am preparing to make my Christmas cards for this year and I have absolutely fallen in love with this Minted. It is amazing site created by artists. The cards are so artistic and breath taking. I am in awe. The prices are a bit salty and I gotta decide if I really want to spend it. I do think they are worth it because I have physically seen them and the quality is top notch. I just gotta determine if they are worth the money.
Political View Sharing…
So he is in Indy today doing some Project Lead the Way training today. He is also listening to Glenda Ritz doing a speech about education in Indiana and I am super anxious to hear all about it. I think she has so much potential to help education in Indiana. I just hate the way that our governer is treating her. I am ashamed and disappointed in the Republian party and their lack of taking notice of the voters wishes here.
I am usually vote with topics that are important to me versus republican or democrat. But most of the time I am fairly conservative. But education in Indiana is a mess and I know exactly how they got there.
Well that is enough sharing for today I suppose. Life is good! I have a day at home today because my school has no power due to the storms. I plan to get ahead at school and hang with my lady!
Yes I listen. I actually listen to all of you. I hear the words and I take moments to take them in. I try and remember. How was it back then? How did it feel? Did it feel crappy to be voiceless? I may not always respond in the best way. But I think. I walk away and I replay. I rethink. I wonder was what I said right? Did you understand? Did I let you know you mattered? I hope I did.
Life isn't easy. Life often feels powerless and voiceless and harsh. But it isn't always like that I promise. It is sometimes good books, or laughter. Or popcorn during a movie. Or it is the giggle that you aren't supposed to have. Or the kiss of your love or hug of your best friend. Life seems so big right now and I know it feels that way. But it isn't. You grow up and you know and see life is way small right now. But that comes with time.
The older you get the more you have those, "I should have said" or "I wish I had done" moments. Enjoy your life where those don't cloud your every day. But it is hard to see that now. In fact, it is darn hard to not see that now.
Right now you see yourself evaluated every day by everyone. Life is an evaluation or an assessment. Am I cute enough? Am I smart enough? Did I work hard enough? Did I do too much work? Did I react the right way? Did I make the right call?
And yea those things still happen when you are older. But dare I say you may care a little less or lose a little less sleep over them. You try and play the "I am what I am" card and hope that the world sees you in the way they are meant to. So it is less about evaluation of others and more about your own acceptance of the evaluation of yourself.
I see the way you walk, talk and think and I hope you know I hear you. And you do matter. And if I didn't say it loud enough or clear enough that my actions show it. You matter and your voice is heard. Even if I can do nothing more than listen. But do know I am listening.
Remember that thing….NANOWRIMO? Yea I am trying to write. I am happy to announce I am ready to start chapter 9. Yes folks. Chapter 9. I am writing a novel that has been inside my head for awhile now. Some of it I have been fearful of writing because the seeds are from my own life. But some of it is my own imagination. I have always written with a similar character. She is me and I am her. And she is doing something amazing in this story and comes to a revolutionary conclusion. But I am fearful of people reading her and not getting it. So I gotta get it out before I share.
As well, I gave a huge test in class. I am now grading said huge test. I did really well getting them all graded ASAP and now I just gotta wait on the sick kids to finish grading.
So I am around and writing. Just not here. :)
Damn I hate these things. This is a full fledged kick you in your pants migraine. Sometimes I get small ones. Ones that I can easily shoe away with my stash of three designer drugs. Usually the combo of the three all together make it leave. But this one I have maxed out by 6AM on all narcotics I am able to take safely and it is still hanging on. I am not really sure why I have one.
But the best migraine treatments I have found (and I have tried everything known to man) is two straight benedryl. The kind that is hot pink or the kind that is half pink and white with a stripe in the middle. Then you climb into bed and call it a day. They knock you off your sleep.
I have also tried all of the prescription triptan's. My favorite by far is Axert which is ridiculously expensive. It costs around 90 dollars for 6 pills. They work. I have taken two today. Do that math! I also had surgery to try and fix them. No not brain surgery. We have proven that my migraines are a side effect of my hormonal imbalances and flutuations. So we tried to eliminate them. And sometimes when I know they are coming that works. It doesn't ever work mid migraine. It just works if I can anticipate it. The ones that come like they did this AM. No indication what so ever! I take estrogen to maintain healthy hormone levels and it is meh.
I have also done the all the alternative stuff. Chiropractor does help the most and my hair dressers hair washing massage. Ahhh! But they are temporary and only eliminate the pain in the moment. It is never usually long term. Although my guys chiropractor is promising she can do more help. We shall see.
I am getting ready or have just started the following two novels to teach this week. I started The Giver and will start Night by Elie Wiesel this week. Both books are the kind of books that students read it puts them into an all out engaged in my curriculum stupor. They need that after the tough book that they just read. I strategically place all of my books in certain orders. I have this amazing resource for both of these books. Web English Teacher is one of my favorite resources for my Novels course. As well, I have a graduate cohort teacher friend that teaches at a local high school in our area that has been doing Night before me that shared all of her amazing resources.
And finally if you have not been to TeachersPayTeachers then you need to go. It is amazing site that often has free stuff. But even the cost stuff is amazing and cheap. I have purchased a lot of materials here and adapted them for my classroom. And there is just something about supporting fellow teachers that I can get behind! I wish I was brave enough to post my lessons on there and make some cash. I am really quite proud of a few of my lessons.
So today I am have a joint party with Kpuff. I begged her to use her house and I offered to bring the food and the paper goods. I got the better end of that deal if you ask me. I made some stuff and pre-purchased some of it. But I made a recipe that has been in my in laws family for a long time. I just love it. It is an oldie but a yummy goodie.
BBQ Weenies and Meatballs
You saute these in a tbsp of butter until they are translucent. Then add in:
Add in the meat. You do not have to both or can do more of one or another. I never measure mine. I am quite certain my mother in law does. For me I add them until there is just a bit of sauce left to cover them. So everyone gets to go for a swim.
You then can put in an oven safe dish on 350 for 20 mins. Or you can be lazy like me and let it simmer for half an hour on the stove stop. They can also sit in a crockpot on warm and place toothpics by them. They will go quick.
What I love about this recipe is that is not sweet and sticky like some of these weenie type of bbq recipes. It is tangy and sweet. YUM!
I have nothing else really to share. It was a three day weekend for me and my students. We had yesterday off for a short lived fall break. But it was so needed.
I am just so grateful for those of you that sent me emails and left me facebook messages. It is so good to know I am not alone. I am a strong independant woman and I know what I do matters in this world. But in that I sometimes lose track of myself and my own voice. I struggle feeling like no one understands. Therefore, I cannot even begin to express how grateful it is to know that you are reading and that you get it. I am not a blogger seeking out comments, or views or even readers. I am merely looking for my voice in this medium and trying to practice what I preach in the classroom and that is writing. It is even better to know that I can connect with all of you.
I could feel it coming. I was dealing with the umpteenth question that prove to me another one just was not listening. I am repeating myself over and over and over. It gets tiring. And I feel frustrated. Usually I hold it in quite well, but today I didn't. I told myself period 1, don't let one bad thing ruin the whole day. I turned my chair around and I let it go.
Or so I thought. Then the next period came and more questions proving they aren't listening. More teenage angst where they question my authority, my ability or fill in the blank. Usually I take that stuff in stride. It is teenagers being teenagers. That is what they do.
Then I looked at a picture. I saw them. The three of them. And I wondered is it worth it. I mean I know it is. I know financially it is such a blessing for my family to be stable. We didn't/haven't had that luxury for a long time. And now we do. I know it is needed. But I miss out on another show and tell. I miss out on another field trip. I have to hear second hand how their days go.
There is a price to that. And usually I am okay with the working mother dues. But today I wasn't. Those bad days I am not. I pay the toll again to have students not listen, blow me off or refuse to take what I am offering. And I do have to question why?
The why isn't in "why don't you quit?" Because I wouldn't even consider that. The why isn't in "why do you put up with it?" Most of the time that is what I teach them. I teach them to challenge me. To challenge their own way of thinking. The why is more in the fact that why did I let this bother me today.
So in that 2nd period with students I struggled. I tried to get through. I could feel it welling up and welling up. It was tears, it was anxiety and it was the flight need. I wanted to bolt. I was going into all out anxiety attack. In period one, I held back tears and tried to keep it in. Period 2 with kids and I wasn't about to let it out.
I turned back and pretended to open the door to my cabinet. And I tried to shove it all in there. Even if I was just shoving empty space and hoping maybe the movement and the time would allow me to swallow my anxiety hard.
I choked it down. I didn't want to lose my power. If there is one thing I have learned those moments cannot be exposed to students. I don't mind them seeing me upset or sad. But vunerable and even hurt by some of their actions, no. It creates power struggles.
I don't mind giving the power, but in my years experience that power has to be shifted in the right moments and this was NOT one of them. I didn't want them to see my doubt. I didn't want them to understand my frustration. I didn't want them to know I was about done in. Instead, I "typed" my email. I tried to have conversations with students that I knew would bring on happiness and want a little less from me emotionally.
And it finally passed. Then I could say, "Listen you guys, I am feeling very disrespected today and cranky because of it." That is the power I assert they have. They have the power to choose their reaction to me, just like I have the power to choose my reaction to them. When I react in those throat throbbing anxiety filled moments I gain nothing but steps back in my classroom management.
Is my time worth it? Is my effort worth it? I love my job, but never more than my family. I miss the small moments. The ones that I am so used to being a part of. I have been there for them for 11 years. 11 years my whole schedule revolved around them. I am in a year into the working mom thing and I have to say it is so hard.
I see the things I don't have time for, to care about or to even consider doing and I let that determine how I feel about myself. I have so many people quick to point out where I make mistakes or where I didn't do what they thought I should. I see it in my job and I see it in my personal life. And I just want to say, "I am trying."
But what I should say is "I broke." I grew tired of the anxiety so I shut down just for a day or two. Or I broke and needed a quiet day in Mrs. Eichenauer's room. Or I broke and I am sorry. But in my experience none of that works. Working moms are supposed to work harder and if they can't do it all they certainly should not be complaining. They chose this life.
And let me be clear I did and I would again. But I spend that vast majority of my life giving others what they need with hardly any time nor attention paid to what I need. And today I guess I just needed a break. And when I didn't respond to your email, I guess I needed another break. And when I tried to start a text conversation about sad stuff going on, I needed another.
I can no longer use the excuse I am a graduate student or I am trying to get the hang of this working mom thing. Instead, I am just gonna use the excuse I broke; then I did it again and again.
What I want to say I can't.
When I try and talk I can't.
I hate unkind people. I really hate unkind people who raise unkind kids.
I don't judge, but I do when you have mean kids.
I am going to get my PhD. I applied already. I am sorry if you don't think I should. But oh well.
I care a lot. Like too much.
Our paths were NOT the same. Not even close.
I smile even though sometimes it hurts.
Our hurts are different, but mine mean no less and yours are just as valid.
I could teach elementary with my advanced degree license and I realized that is scary.
Me no teachy elementary. I get antsy with some high school behaviors.
I am not a welcome mat and I refuse to be anymore.
Oh wait, I haven't been for awhile.
My guy and gals are my priorities.
I am limited often by my own boundaries and beliefs.
Could you please just stop talking? I have so much to say.
I don't share even half of what I really think.
What I have to offer the world is at times profound. Other times I think it is crap.
But let me decide.
I never dreamed life would be easy…
But sometimes the hardest parts make it easy to know what should be next.
I am hard enough on myself
What I want to say but can't.
Well yesterday at 3:24 I turned 37. The best part of the day is that no one believed I was 37. Thankfully, I have very good genes. Neither of my parents look their age and apparently they have passed those genes onto me. Many of my students honestly thought I was in my twenties. The even better news is I care so little about age. Honestly, I have lived a very good and blessed life and I embrace my age. I always have.
My students post-it note stormed me again. They are getting so creative and I wish I could return the favor but space. Space is always an issue in high school. They really have none unless you count their tiny lockers that often are rusted out and lack a bottom.
Well this week was uneventful otherwise. I have been more observant to the things I wanted to share this week.
One of my co-workers shared an item from this site which lead to me looking all over this shop for almost two hours. I never did buy anything but I covet a lot. No A LOT!!!! Oh the site? The Literary Gift Company. And that scarf made me drool just a bit. As did many of the other wonderful things on this site. Why oh why didn't I pick a profession well know for its lucrativeness?
I am burning up my amazon prime account too! I think I got 4 packages in the mail this week. By the time the 3rd one came this week I was partially embarrassed and partially scratching my head trying to remember what I actually bought. Amazon makes it way to easy to shop. In the matter of a minute or two I can have ordered a product and it will be there in a day or so. It is way too easy. But I did purchase things that we needed. But I can't remember what they are now. Ha ha!
You Tube Sharing…
I have been a little you tube obsessed. In one of my classes we are starting Lois Lowry's The Giver. This is a novel that I hear continually over and over from my high school students and college students as a book they loved and remembered. So I kicked it off this week watching all the Utopian/Dystopian movie trailers we could find. For me in my classroom before I can dig into rigor I have got to establish relevance. You do that by meeting them where they are. They loved being able to identify with a movie they have heard of and then I moved it into book. This got me super excited for The Catching Fire Movie coming up in a few weeks. It also reminded me a student came to me about a fundraiser involving movies and the sheer amount of movie out this year that are tied to books that my students have enjoyed or would enjoy. And can I just say Team PEETA forever!
I also accidentally ran into this video of a cover of Royals via the Huffington Post. I used it as a teaching tool for evaluating news. I used it alongside the video of the baby crying while his momma sang a song to him. We discussed why this is actually news? We are currently in a unit where we are thinking about how news has changed and has to change according to its audience. When these you tube videos are intruding on your everyday we have to ask why and get passed 'human interest' as the answer. In the process of doing leg work for this lesson I came across this guy's you tube page. He was the clown in this video. But his band does covers of all the popular songs but changes them to almost unrecognizable but in the coolest manner ever. Don't believe me? Ever seen this rendition of 'Blurred Lines'?
Can I just say I feel like a Braverman? If you watch the show I am referencing you know exactly what I mean? I was way late to the Parenthood Train. I just started watching last year entirely by accident. I didn't feel good one night and it was on. I can relate to it in so many ways. I can never ever watch an episode without crying my eyes out. This morning I got up at 6 AM to watch before my family was up so no one would witness my snot fest. And it did not disappoint.
Another show I haven't started watching until recently was Family Guy. Kpuff has told me many times different episodes that she loved. I never tried. That was until a few weeks ago my guy and were looking for things to watch and happened up this show because nothing else was on (yet again) and we laughed so hard. The sense of humor is so mine. Now my netflix que is full of Family Guy.
I was a huge Revenge fan the last few years. And well that changed. The plot is growing tiring and I
am tired of the same old set up for the characters. I know I am not alone in this. At first I got it and loved the drama and thrill. Now it is so predictable and frustrating that I have happily tuned out the last three sundays without missing a thing.
But maybe it was that The Paradise lured me away. Oh me and my period drama stuff. I suppose maybe I talked about this last week. I don't remember. Regardless, I love it. Not near as much as Dowton Abbey, but for the same reasons. If you aren't watching…you should be.
Today we are celebrating my actual birthday. A few weeks ago when I realized my birthday was on a Friday I was slightly disappointed. Not because it was Friday, but because Friday's are chalked full of caffiene and trying to stay awake to be with my family. I am beat. So I dubbed the Saturday (today!) the day after my birthday birthday celebration. We got a baby sitter and about three weeks ago I tried to talk my guy into taking me out ice skating to which he said, "NO!" I whined a little and said, "But it is my birthday!" And his answer is still no. I normally would guilt him, but he has bad back issues so alas I caved and said ok. So I have no idea what we are actually doing but we are spending the day together.
But this is how old I actually am….We got our sitter for early afternoon so we could be home by 8-9. Ha ha! I didn't want to be out all night and I wanted our baby sitter to have her night if she wanted it to. So we are doing something and then dinner. I think I am gonna drag him to Dicky's Wild Hare. I am hoping to meet Kpuff and her hubs there.
And I am off to a day full of grading, laundry and writing. Oh yea I am doing Nanowrimo. I am about 1200 words in.
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