Love Changes…

Well if I am honest this is another one of my ugly posts. Sure I have the pretty pictures I could post of the goodness that has been happening in my life. Maybe some of you all have seen them. They are me trying to get about living.

I made promises to myself and God, and the universe that should life be handled to me again and look somewhat similar to what it was I would live more. Much of my guy's life and my own has been in pursuit of something. College degrees, children, jobs, better homes, better marriage, better health. So much pursuit along the way we forgot to live and enjoy the spoils of our pursuits.

As well, my marriage was so comfortable. Come this week we will celebrate 17 years together. I met the love of my life seventeen years ago and have never regretted a day since. Before TN struck I found myself aggravated by little things that I thought meant so much and now I realize mean so little.

He is here, he is getting better and I need to kiss him more, love him more and be a better wife. But it appears I am stuck. I want this beautiful living life but I can't get over it. But mostly because I have no patience. Each day gets better and he seems to get more back to normal.

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But at night alone in my bed I realize he won't be normal the way I knew normal. That I won't be normal that way. That normal doesn't exist. We build new normals and we build on what we have. But I guess I am grieving that life. And in the process of that grieving I am passing up these beautiful moments that are happening.

I am trying really hard to get over it. The seeing him like that. The fear of the pain. The recovery that hasn't been perfect. The ability that I can push fast forward through the rough stuff and the inability to know what happens next.

I know I will get there and I know every day is a step closer. The process of recovery is so much more than sutures on the skin. It is the heart hurt. The fear of the unknown. Reliving him in pain. Seeing him smile and feeling like it could be okay. The ability to cook all his favorites again. Seeing him read books to our girls again. We are getting there.

Life is messy. It is complicated and messy. But the beauty is in his hand. In his smile. In his kiss. In our future.

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Where am I in all this?

So I suck at maintaining two blogs. But I wanted two blogs. This space is mine. Sure I talk about my guy but it is me. And more and more my breath is coming back. I have been able to have two full nights of uninterrupted sleep and I can't tell you the last time I did that. Life hasn't been easy. In fact, it has been down right demanding, hard and I wondered if I would survive. If we would survive. 

Thankfully, I have a pretty solid marriage. I am in love with my husband more than words can say. But I will tell you now. Love wins and I know it always prevails. But I am more in tune with the idea that love of my God wins. The gentle nudges to the heartfelt full on pushes of reality that reminded me I will get through. That is how love wins. Trying when you don't always want to. Or not giving up when you want to throw in the towel. Life ain't easy, but LOVE ALWAYS WINS. 

I have spent the last two months surviving. I have been super mommy and daddy. Add in a wife that tried like heck to keep it all together in the midst of a nasty storm that could have torn us all apart. I have been trying to focus on my job because it is next on the list of important things to me after my faith and family. Keeping the house going, keeping the bills paid, keeping the food warm and nurturing, keeping the snow shoveled and sidewalks de-iced. The list honestly goes on. My life has swallowed me whole. 

Somewhere in all of this I am lost. I know this. I will slowly find myself again. I know when I have 27ec314428e562ad9e1bafc1f2f7bf74 sunk slowly down a spiral of everyone else by the way my eating habits (aka drinking habits) present. I am chugging caffiene like no one's business. AGAIN. Before this started I was trying to convert to Gluten Free for myself because it was so obvious to me with Advocare that I have gluten sensitivies. I was working on a novel. I was working out. I was focused on my next professional step. And it all stopped cold in it's tracks. 

With each breath I am beginning to take I am feeling more and more like I can get back to some of that. My guy's recovery will be a long one and the emotional recovery even longer. Yea it is amazing to me how drastically one's life can change. One minute my heart and mind was opened at a birthday dinner in November that what we were dealing with was not normal. And three months later he is recovering from brain surgery and I am recovering from my life. 

I was naive enough to think that my life was untouchable and stupid enough not to appreciate it all. The good news is I woke up. I recognize. And as crazy as it sounds and as much as I hate the statement YOLO, I am going to try and live by that motto much more. 

I always looked at YOLO as e teenager's excuse to do whatever they wanted. And maybe that is how they use it, but it isn't my place to judge. But for me it is about this idea of always being afraid of the what if's. There are no gaurantee's EVER. 

Last year I was approached at work about doing a Polar Plunge for Special Olympics. The chicken side of me ruled that day in my answer. I said, "I may do it." I had full on no intention to actually do it. No way was I sticking my butt in freezing cold water in February. Thankfully, it never happened. But guess what it is this year. When I approached in December Kyle was one week out of the hospital and things were bleak. I said, "Yes." I knew it would remind me that it isn't always about me and what I need and want. I can do something cool for my girls, my kids, and the special olympics and walk away feeling good. And I can end the fear of jumping into cold water in February. Which really is just a metaphor and excuse to not live life to the fullest for me.