I know these moments come in life where we are tested to the max. And honestly I quite pride myself on the fact that in the midst of a storm I am as solid as a rock. When the eyes on me are waiting for me to break and fall to the side due to the winds of life I hold steady. And then life resumes and the storm clean up commences and I look around and realize no eyes are around and I crumble.
This storm was no different. I lived on sheer adreneline and will power. And then my life returned and when no one was looking I collapsed. I found myself angry at the world and God for creating this storm. I was angry at those around me for not having the struggles I did. I wanted vengence for the unfair hand my husband had been dealt. I was so angry that no one seemed to understand and I felt sorry for myself.
I deleted my facebook account in the midst of this or I should say when I deleted it when I realized my anger was being directed at what was a normal world where 39 year old husbands and fathers don't get diagnosed with a chronic pain illness and have brain surgery and take a ridiculous amounts of pills to function all within the span of two and half months.
I was angry because in the midst of the storm I kept getting more and more chaos thrown my way in little storms not even worth mentioning but storms none the less. Little normal everyday catastrophes that paled in comparison with the massive one we had going on around us. I had to deal with it all alone. And then I hated myself even more for being angry about it. Who gets angry because their husband has a chronic illness and needed massive surgery?
I guess I'll throw my hand up there. I felt horrible for it. I still do. But I had no one to be angry with. During that time I have been so thankful for those of you who have text, sent messages, brought my family meals, encouraged me, prayed for us and actually listened to me. And more importantly I am so grateful for those of you who suffered at the hands of my sharp sometimes hurtful tongue. Most of you let me be grumpy, angry and let me feel sorry for myself and understood it was not personal. It was my own internal storm brewing. You probably saw it before I did even.
I needed someone or something to be angry at. I still have moments where I do too. But it is getting better. I do wonder if the day will ever come when I don't become paralized in fear when my guy holds his face a certain way or makes a sound that resembles his moments of pain. I am doubtful. But each day passes is one more day I feel we can add a point to the winning side of trigeminal neuralgia.
Sometimes I feel the pressure to just get over it and move on and I have tried. We have tried. But some of this is dealing with the realness of what has only to us been so surreal. The speed with which it all happened was quick and brutal. And it is only now where I have little glimpses of what feels real. Getting ready for work in the morning yesterday and my guy was brushing his teeth (with a regular toothbrush I should point out). He leaned over the sink and I caught a glimpse of his scar. A scar I have seen 100 times over and the sight of it took my breath away. It was the first time it was real to me.
Or seeing him smile and read # 3 a book. Or the kiss I have long waited for. Or him taking # 3 to Stat Care cause she spiked a fever and had an earache. Or the drinking a beer to celebrate small victories in this battle. Or the sleeping in bed normally. Those are the moments that are real and they are coming back one at a time.
I wish I could look back at this and say I dealt with it with complete dignity and grace. I wish I could be proud of every single moment that passed as I was the wife to this man and a mother to her daughters. Some of the moments were not my finest.
Life is hard and I find it so easy to slip back into the taking the moments we take for granted. I made promises in the moment to never ever take for granted the time and moments I have been given in this life with my guy or my girls. And the storm distracts me from that. So again I rely on my faith even in my anger at God that He will pull us all through. More importantly He will pull me through.
I have seen the kindness in the world and the cruelty of it. I am grateful for each and every experience. I am just healing. We all are. And I do wonder if the healing will ever be entirely complete. TN is a mistress. I have said this all along. It has the ability to pull into a family and just wreck it. Sometimes I give into that power. But then I remember that no storm is bigger than my God. He will always bring about the sunshine.
I still have so much story left to tell with trigemenial neuralgia. Our story is honestly just beginning. I can be a strength to those that suffer. Especially those that suffer as a spouse. I am not sure how or what that looks like or how I will accomplish it. Or maybe I already am. I know I have to strengthen my faith and pray hard about what that looks like. But our story will be used for the greater good. I just gotta wait for the storm to pass.
Aside: I cannot say thank you enough to all of you for lifting my family up. I can feel it every day and anytime I reach out. The world is good. People are good. And I thank each and every one of you in a million ways!