For the last five months I have minimized what my guy and I went through because it wasn't considered terminal. I held myself back from feeling anything on this lofty ideal that I should feel grateful that we didn't have to look at chemo treatments or death.
And yea we are so very blessed and on the richter scale of suffering from a disease my guy's non-terminal diagnosis supposedly we would lose if there was a competition.
But we looked at huge major surgery in a huge major hospital and a diagnosis that was huge and major and yes we looked at death.
The what if's are too brutal to even think about sometimes. The pictures I took to painful to even look at. That is suffering no matter the scale.
But I read something a few days ago that changed my perspective a little.
I realized that I can own what we went through. I don't have to deny myself feeling like something huge was just plopped in my life. Because it was. It was a death. Yes a death in a metaphorical sense and yes I have my guy right here with me and he is relatively healthy so to speak.
But my grief for this life before TN existed and I lost it. So did he. I don't have to minimize it on the idea of "at least it wasn't cancer" or "at least you don't have to have treatments". At first I found myself horribly offended by such statements. Then I realized that people were just trying to help. They weren't saying it didn't make our grief any less. And then I just realized I have to get over it. Learn from it, but don't not life because of it.
No I will never say good bye. I shared here how my innocence on that is lost. But I gotta live. I need live each moment to the fullest. We did survive. And our marriage is even stronger. Our family stronger and closer. If there is any bright spot in any of this that is it. I have a good marriage, but now I know my marriage can survive just about anything.
But I still have moments of fear that paralize me. This morning was one. In a story that seems redundant to share I will say that I have just come to expect that these times will happen. They keep life real. I hate that there are others out there that suffer from this. I also hate that I take comfort in the fact the I have a fellow wife of a TN sufferer in my life. It is such a tough rough.
Call it a club or whatever you want. But being a spouse to a TN sufferer is unique. I have a friend that I can talk to like none other. It is hard to describe what you live with or even have others understand despite this desparate plea to have them do it. She gets it. She was a ray of sunshine and hope when things were pretty bleak. I am not even sure if she realizes that.
But I get to see her today! I so excited for that. I am not excited at all that our common bond is primarily TN now. But I just want to her to know how she kept me sane in some of my darkest times the last five months. She never said the "at least it isn't" things. She never said "it will get better". She just listened and supported and when she needed it I hope I did the same.
So sunshine and flowers today. Today I am a survivor.