My innocence has been lost. It can't be found.
Be it due to age, time or pain.
A pain that was never understood. Not because I didn't try.
I spoke. You looked away. But back to yourself.
And you never listened to mine.
The pains are different.
Yours body. Mine heart.
I don't have time to be tossed aside or to the back.
I have time for Him and him. And not you.
I have been hurt once, twice and three times.
I will grieve for what was. But gone is yesterday.
Today is Love.
This poem is dedicated to all of my hurts. I hate to be sad and bitter. But I have to, to let it go. I have held onto it too long. The pain of the last five months of my life revealed a lot of truths. Truths that help guide my path, though painful they may be. I am sad for you because it is quite likely you will never know how much you truly hurt me. But I am trying to live and die by this idea that love always wins and I have to let it. Which means I have to let it go. Finally.
It was my husband who worried more about me than himself. A kind and selfless love even when he was mostly unconscious his concerns were for me. A kiss on the forehead, a wipe of my tears, a squeeze of the hand when he couldn't speak. It was my husband who fought for me and to find me in the midst of my own sadness, fears and tears. That is love. That is eternal.
It was the friend that always answered my phone call/text in the middle of the night. You listened and never uttered a word. You wiped a tear. You brought me food, you sent me a message just to let me know you were there. When I believed this to be my new life you never made me feel stupid or small. You listened. You put me before yourself even if just for that moment. That is friendship. That is love.
It was the sister who was with me when I was staring as the board scrolled each new stage of the four hour journey. It was the laughter and ability to take my mind from it. It was the sister who came to see us in ICU and the step down unit. One of two visitors out of it all. You put yourself and our stuff aside for just a minute. That is family. That is love.
It was the constant text and phone calls of kindness. A warm bed, a meal or answering on the end when I lost all hope. It was keeping your mouth shut even if you didn't agree. I could never tell because it wasn't about criticisms or this idea I could do and be better. It was about a sick husband and a wife who loves him beyond all measure. It was reminder that I am still a daughter to someone and it brought kindness to my aching heart when I needed it most. That is parenting. That is love.
It was my three beautiful babies that I created with this man. A smile, a hug and immeasurable strength that no one can understand unless they have been there or done that. They never asked to be a part of this world. But we did promise to protect and love them and we did that while making our family grow even closer in ways we are only beginning to understand.
I never believed myself not to have faith. I always knew I did, but I was never comfortable with my version of it. That was because I have been told what faith should be and look like. But in those hours and days when I had nothing to rely on but my faith. I knew exactly what faith was and exactly what it looked like. It was what willed me to get up and keep going. Faith was by my side in diagnosis, pain (both his and my own) and recovery. It is also my faith that reminds me that I gotta let go of the bad. I am a beacon of light, love and faith. But I gotta let all of that other stuff go. That is Faith. That is love.
I will never stop living in this place. The place where I was given a second chance. I am not gonna quit talking about it. It is me and I am it. Forever. You haven't been there in the darkest place, nor would I wish that on you. But, I won't live in the fragile world were this happened and I have to stop living. But in living I also will not forget. I wear a smile because we survived and because I mean it. Love won.
Love will always win. Bitterness and anger has no place in that. Anywhere. And if you are spending time trying to figure out what I am even talking about it. It is okay. I am fighting like crazy to find my way back. It is a slow process, and part of that process is letting go of my expectations of others and myself. That is what this is.
In Twitter Terms : #sorrynotsorry