The ebb and flow of life…


I usually ride the waves of life with great balance and grace. This year the ebbs and flows of life have been so fast and furious that I am feeling myself holding on for dear life. Normally, those ebbs and flows are another kiddos birthday or or new dishes. This year the changes were bigger and more impactful. I have made that no secret. 

To say I am who I was back in August would be completely untrue. I have been searching for my wisdom in all that has changed. Wisdom and ability to know I am a survivor. Because I am. Sometimes my survival mode so strong that I don't even have time to acknowledge it. But more than anything I have to find meaning in it all. 

That is what I do. I learned the Newton's 3rd law in my 11th grade year, surprisingly enough, in my Dramatic lit class. My teacher's name was Mrs. Murphy. But she taught us that each action has an equal and opposite reaction. Of course, she related it to the stage and eventually an even bigger metaphor…LIFE. 

When something bad happens there will be an equal and opposite reaction. I could list for you all of the actions that have happened this year and their equal and opposite reaction. But I do this in my head sometimes because I still can't believe it. It is so easy to get caught up in it.

Therefore, I find if I move forward in living life in the way it matters that eventually the equal and opposite reaction starts happening. I cuddle my baby girls in bed and kiss them good night. I go to #'s preschool program and she graduates to kindergarten. I hug and kiss my guy a little longer everyday. I laugh at the daily hos and hums of being a high school teacher. The funny reactions I get, the funny things they do and say every day.

Those are the things that keep us all living. The life moments that make it matter. That make it worth going through the rough stuff. To get there, to see it and live it. 

I am not gonna lie and say it is easy. It hasn't been and it isn't always. Most people cannot relate. And that is probably the hardest thing for me to cope with. I just want someone who understands. I want someone who can relate. They try. I am trying to make peace with it. The is the one action that I cannot quite locate my equal and opposite reaction to. 

But that is probably because it is the most difficult. It is a part of the grieving process. Grieving for my life before TN. And I was doing well before the death of my step mom. A death that has me in a weird greiving cycle that again places me in a place where most people cannot relate. 

I wish this were my place to cope with it all. It just isn't. The grief cycle is beautiful, ugly, torturing, tiring and isolating. Others go through it, but it is so different for each person. But I am good. My concerns and fears are more for those I love and cannot protect. 

“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” 
― T.S. Eliot


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