I tweeted the other night. "I am sick of myself." It was my anniversary. I was laying in bed. I am tired of always being strong and putting on a brave face. That brave face is not a reflection of how I am truly feeling. But I am so tired of updating the world about the state of affair of my life. Things are hard. I am beginning to wonder how much my family and I can handle.
I wonder why. I am growing angry and trying to build and maintain my faith. But it is hard. I feel like I am being punished. I feel alone. I know I am not. I am just so tired of sharing my next life falter. And yes there is another. Life has some lemons for us this year. But truthfully, I am running out of sugar to sweeten it up.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (maybe my readers are sick of reading all the sad) I cannot share this one. This is one we must endure for awhile in private. But I refuse to believe there is all this negativity in the world. I honestly will continue to hold onto the idea that the world and the people in it are inherently good.
And to be honest I am tired of coming to blog and blogging the sadness. I keep looking within myself wondering if I am just not seeing the good. But honestly, I know it is just a season in life. It is building me up for what the future will bring. I want to believe that is how God works.
Someone once told me that one thing that they always looked to me for was my positivity in the world and about the world. I have been holding that comment close. The world is not bad. Whoever the world is.
I am just trying to find the positivity in all of this. It is there. The most obvious and the one I continually try and hold onto is that my husband and I's relationship has changed in such a positive way that I cannot even begin to place it into words. "In sickness and in health" means the whole world to me. It also puts the rest of life into perspective.
Time wasted watching pointless reality shows is gone. Connections with each other and supportive friends and family, that is what matters. I mean it always has. But it has in a way that makes me feel way less in the I am too busy frame of mind. And fighting….it never happens. That is weird. Not that we fought so much, but I am incredibly stubborn and opinionated. All of the sudden standing my ground on painting the hallway or an hour too long at the golf course seems like such a wasted opportunity.
My worry is for my daughters. They have had to grow up a little more than they should have. They have had to take on a little more responsibility and talk about grown up things a little bit more. I am worried their hearts are bruised. And I am worried I haven't said or done the right things to make it hurt a little less. And I have thrown myself into work more than I should have because I have control there. I am just Mrs. E who needs to grade papers and teach another unit there. That is a whole lot easier sometimes than explaining and working through the difficulties of life at home.
And life is good. Kyle is better. But he isn't perfect. He doesn't feel perfect. There is no going back. There are knowns and unknowns we have to manauver through every single day as a family. Things that we are too young to deal with it. Things that I want to cry foul on. But no one asked my family. I see the good. I hold tight to it.
I think summer break will help us all. It will be more healing family time. It will mean having the time to deal with some of things we haven't. It will be more time to plan and talk about the future.
I do apologize dear readers. My blogs are trending in sadness right now and have for awhile. But it is where my writing is at now. When I share it publically I am being very vunerable, but I don't want sympathy. I just want to be heard.