I think I have made no qualms about our lives and how they have changed since TN struck. I do at times feel like a broken record and wonder if the world (or at least my reading world) wishes I would just get over it. And I know realistically two things. They don’t want that and I won’t. I can’t. How could I? The physicality of the disease and surgery and living with it knocked my husband over. For me it has been very different because I am dealing with all of that and having seen my husband at his absolute worst on the brink of something I can’t even utter. I have tried to rationalize that and put it into words here and I can’t.
But I do know it is one of those moments you can’t take back and you are in completely alone and isolated. And I know I am not alone. But it isn’t a conversation I can have with my friends. It isn’t a conversation I can have with my closest confidant (my husband). I think back to the other spouses in ICU and ICU patient waiting area. They were in their 70’s and 80’s. There were a few parents and even they were older than me.
I make no secrets, I have struggled with that fact and as much as I want to get over it I cannot. So instead of feeling bad for feeling the way I do I just need to embrace it as much as I can as our new story. Our path changed. Our priorities changed. And we all need time to adjust to that. To accept this reality as our new one. I can fight it and be angry. I can fight others and be angry at them for having a normal life. Or I can choose love and thank God for the new reality.
And I do and honestly always have. I love the perspective and clarity it has placed in my life and on my heart. I love the new sense of what matters that is in my life. I love the sheer strength and love that it has created in my family. I love the faith it has created and grace it has endured. I learned to fight for what is important and do everything in life with love and passion or it isn’t worth doing. But the lessons I learned had/have a rough edge. They come with a whole new set of tough realities.
My guy and I have some very rough decisions to make in the next year. Decisions that will honestly set us into the next portion of our lives. Decisions that can completely altar where we have been heading. But they have to be made with complete and utter faith and clarity of our new reality. I am not really in the business of being vague to draw readers in. Especially where trigemenial neuralgia is concerned. I want our story out there and heard. Unfortunately, I have to here. For the protection of his story. For the protection of my family.
But I can and will say that love and fight seem like complete and exact opposites. But they are not. I would have never ever adopted the phrase Love always wins if I even thought that Love wasn’t a fight. The word wins is defined by Websters as to gain the victory or to overcome an adversary. Every single part of TN has been that since the very beginning. It won’t stop till the day I die. But if you fight with Love. The love of a human, the love of your God, the love of your family,the love of your children, the love of a profession or just the sheer love of life I can guarantee you one thing….Love will win. It will win because it has too.
So even though my narrative has changed and I am changing with it. I fight as a warrior for my love. And my Love. My love for all of the above will move mountains, create awareness, change the worlds my girls live in because I choose it. I deem it. And I am ready to fight.
Trigeminal Neuralgia is a neurological brain disease that is estimated that 1 in every 15,000 people suffer from, a condition characterized by intense, electrocution-type facial pain. There is currently no test for definitively diagnosing TN, nor is there a cure. There is also a shortage of research into treatments and medications to help sufferers of TN pain. If you feel so moved to fund research do so here. (All info taken from TNA)