Wanna know a secret? Sometimes the brave face gets a little hard. I don’t always want to be happy. Everyday I have to get up and wonder if today will be a good day. I roll over and look at the love of my life who a year ago didn’t have a hole in his skull. He looked a lot younger, had a lot fewer wrinkles and smiled a lot more. But he gets up every morning and carries on. He wants to move on and he tries.
But I can tell when a day has taken its toll. He face sags a little bit more and he runs his hand across his face as if wiping away the anxiety and fear will forever wipe away the scars that tn monster has left behind.
We all got a new life. But not one we sought out and even wanted. A life where we live day to day and minute to minute some days. And I am grateful they are better than they were, but those easy days are gone.
I get angry sometimes that my girls have to see and know this life. And usually in the moments I think I can’t take anymore I see their strength and I find it carries me. But who carries him? I suppose it is me. But I don’t feel like I carry much. I carry regret. I carry guilt. I feel like sometimes I caused this.
And I often wonder how I contribute to it in a positive way. Do I even? I know my role. I am the mouth, the pusher and the one who reads the silent symptoms and recognizes it is time. The time time to call, to get help to get him to realize it is time.
And why did this choose us? Did we do something to deserve it? Did we not live right or good? Some days I wake up and I want to rewind. I want take backs. Some days I wonder if I should just move on. Forget already.
But I can’t. I don’t know how. Should I even? Yes our storm is maybe not tornadiac right now. We are in a light rain where everything is limbo. A limbo that goes no where.
Just Write. July 2014.