I feel like I can write so much more freely as mommy rhetoric than I can as anyone else. It is me. Most people who know me know I am mommy rhetoric, my students know as mommy rhetoric (said as retorerick) and my family knows me as such.
I am sure you have figured by now I am crazy busy with my own school, my job school and my three beautiful girls. All three who are doing amazing. Work is good. I am absolutely in love with the classes that I am teaching this year. Life is good.
But then there is my other life, I am a TN wife. That means on a daily basis my conversations consist of TN. I watch my husband suffer from a disease that takes its toll on him, our family and our life. From the outside looking in I suppose it looks normal and yes parts of our life are normal. That is because that is the life he chose to live.
It is a choice he makes every day to go on and live our lives as normally as possible. I am sure the people he works with see him as better and I am sure the people that see him being a dad think similarly. And I would too. By all accounts he looks and seems fine.
And I ask you not for sympathy for my family. Sympathy does us no good. I ask that you keep my family in your thoughts, your prayers and enjoy your families. A good friend told me when all of this started in my most desperate of times, “your family will grow stronger and closer” and that is a blessing. Initially, I was irritated because I was not looking for blessings. Instead back then I was seeking sympathy and someone to just say it all would be okay.
And it is. My family is closer and stronger in ways I can’t place words on. A fabric built so strong around our hearts that we will forever be bonded in this unique way. So yes there are blessings everywhere and I try and see them.
But I won’t lie. I am not a saint. I am angry. I am angry at how little the world knows about TN. I am angry that we went through all that we have gone through and yet I still wake up in the middle of the night petrified of tomorrow. I know more than anything that tomorrow is not promised. I am angry that more doctors are not working on TN. I can count on two hands doctors that treat it. I am angry it isn’t in our everyday vernacular like breast cancer or diabetes. I wonder would it all be different if it was?
I understand why though. I guess. Chronic pain illnesses are often not talked about. They are the cases that remain undisgnosed. They are ones who have to suffer in silence so we don’t have to acknowledge their pain every day. They are the ones that take countless mind numbing pills. They are the ones that take their own lives looking for relief and comfort. But when you look at it that way it changes you.
So no I don’t feel sorry for myself or want sympathy from anyone. I am just trying to enjoy today, praying for tomorrow and finding my way living as a TN wife. What is going on is long and complicated. It is hard to put into words and it is hard to put out there.
But what I can and will say is in the next two weeks please keep my family in your thoughts. But even more than that keep my husband in your thoughts. Do that by living your life with love and gracefulness.