You moved on. We didn’t.

I am not choosing to live in the past or making something out of nothing. I am not making this up or making it worse than it actually is. And until you live in my life I encourage you to just listen.

Every single day I watch the man that I love more than anything struggle in pain. A pain that all I can do is google and see it is “the worst pain known to man” or it is “the suicide disease”. I can imagine what it feels like. I can write for you all what it feels like. But the reality is all I can do it talk about how I see it. I do not feel it.

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I see a man that goes to work and does the absolute best he can do. He does that for his family first and his students second. I also see a man that had high hopes that under going brain surgery would fix his pain. A pain that he has lived with far too long. It didn’t.

It isn’t in a tight and pretty package like it is in Facebook world or movies. In fact, it is down right ugly. It has continually gotten worse. I won’t present my life as perfect for the sake of making the world feel better. I often times feel that pressure. And I can show you beautiful pictures of my family moving on and living. Be living is beautiful and we choose to do it.

But think about our actual options. We can stop dead in our tracks and believe me sometimes we want to. Or we move on and live the best life we know how. But if I could wrap the actual picture up for you of how last year has changed our lives you couldn’t see it.

Dwelling would be staying there. Living in the past wouldn’t live in hope. Which I do. We work together to create a new normal. But yea, I am not as good at returning phone calls/emails. And maybe I am not always the best mom/friend/sister that I can be. Please accept my apologies. I am doing the best I can.

I have three priorities after my faith happening in my life. My husband. My children and my job. They consume me. I will not apologize for that anymore.

The neuro here in the Fort admitted he couldn’t handle my guys case anymore. He has been suffering bilateral shocks since the weather has been ridiculously cold. Shocks usually spell out compressions and consistent nagging pain spell out irritation. So what we have is occipital neuralgia, trigeminal neuralgia on both sides of the face with electric shocks. Meds are increased and he now will have permanent care at a Goodman Campbell Brain and Spine down in Indianapolis. Dr. Cohen is working with a neurologist to decide if surgery is an option or if they believe meds could be therapeutic.

So yes am I stuck again in the world of I don’t know. Yes I am. That is my reality. But my true reality is I am married to a chronic pain sufferer. I am trying to raise normal children with him who aren’t forever scarred by seeing their dad in pain and their momma constantly worried about him. I am trying to keep a marriage healthy and my job that I adore. I am doing the best I can and trying to remember love always wins. It just has too.

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