There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am preparing my students to read The Great Gatsby and we have started talking a lot about inner value versus outer value. First, it is always discussions like these that reassure me this next generation is going to be all kinds of amazing. Their tolerance, love for diversity and their inherent kindness blows me away.
But one of the questions I posed question was if someone holds more value over another. Of all the things I could teach…this is one of them that is probably the hardest. I wanted to shout that that value comes from one place and that is from within. But it is so hard when I barely get it myself.
As I find myself yet again on a journey to find less of me. A journey that I feel like I have taken this blog on one too many times. It is a journey that I realize I have to take again because I sometimes don’t value myself enough to do it.
But I am here and for some reason I am afraid. Afraid of failing or afraid of not looking perfect as I work out. Or afraid of hurting someone else possibly because it is about me. For 25 minutes a day this week I have made the world about me. I work out, I sweat, I even laugh a little because I drug Kpuff along with me. But ultimately I am there every day in those twenty five minutes and present.
In the silence of my brain as I sweat and lunge I am mad because I am starting again. But I am also proud because I am trying to recognize my own value and I am willing to start again. And yes lie will surely throw me a curveball as it usually does.
I just have to get better at catching them. Curveballs sometimes come so fast and so hard that there is little time to even react. I am sad that usually my first instinct is to value everyone else’s safety above my own. And there in again creeps in the idea of value.
I continue in my quest for less of me and trying to remind myself that I do deserve this moment and the only value I have is the value I place on myself.