I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s a steel knife, in my windpipe
I can’t breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight
Honestly, since my guy got diagnosed last winter with TN nothing feels just like it is. A cold never feels like a cold. A school function is never a school function. The flu is never just the flu. Add in my own anxieties which I have well under control and I feel like everything we face is an emotional battle for normalcy. I go into every single situation with my exit strategy and plan of attack mapped out clearly in my head. When I don’t I get knocked down. Like gut wrenching punch to the gut and swift kick to the knee knocked over.
these shoulder’s hold up so much, they won’t budge,
i’ll never fall or fold up,
i’m a soldier,
even if my collar bone’s crush or crumble,
I will never stumble…
But I handle it and have been working so very hard at channeling out for myself moments of peace. Time where TN doesn’t rule the roost. Maybe it is making an extravagant dinner or spending much needed time with a friend. It is those moments where I know we all will survive. This was the hand we were dealt. We were dealt it because we could handle it. But that isn’t always pretty. In fact, sometimes it down right ugly. Yesterday it was ugly. Today not much prettier. I am mad. But I have no one to be mad at.
The soul’s escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
So here I go it’s my shot.
Feet, fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that I got
You can do anything you set your mind to
You get knocked down, you get back up. Ironic that I wanted to write and I turned on my 3000 song strong writing play list and it is Eminem song after song? I think not. His lyrics ugly sometimes (inappropriate) at times maybe. But he writes them all. His words. His fighting songs. And for some reason they have always grabbed me deep in my soul. And today it is doing that. He keeps me fighting.
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Oh even if there’s songs to sing
My children will carry me
So yep we are alright. It isn’t always pretty dealing with chronic illness. I am not even the one that has it. I just live with it. New meds mean new side effects. Weaning off meds mean return of old side effects. And the three month wait till we decide the next step. Another end? Another beginning? Who knows. I just pray our path is peaceful and that God leads us to the right answers and the safest ones.
Eminem says it much better than me usually.
Ugly moments are true moments. Moments where the world expects beauty to make them feel better. But life isn’t always beautiful, and it isn’t always about others. Sometimes you gotta get ugly to get to the beauty. You gotta find your faith and love and plow through it to get to the other side.