Heaven knows I need a revolution.

Today I was super excited because I recently ordered the 21 Day Fix and tracked the shipment and saw it will be landing in my greedy little hands today via the fex ex truck. I was actually so excited that I stopped and did 50 of Shaun T’s switch kicks. (He is getting into my head people!). # 1 and # 2 jumped in and did them with me. And number one looked at us in her, “I am so embarrassed you are my mom way” and asked, “Mom, is this your new years revolution or something?” I giggled as I hopped around the room and said, “Revolution”. I thought for a minute and she shouts out, “I MEANT resolution, you know that” said with the most teenage angst she could muster at such an early hour.

I said, “No, you know what I like the idea of a revolution. I hate resolutions and no this was not really a resolution. It is a revolution.” She kind of did her eye roll thing and the three of us continued on some move I can’t remember the name of but you pop your foot over the other and it looks like a dance move. I even added some jiggy to it to make it a dance move. This is all about getting my steps in people.

I have resisted calling it a resolution because for me resolutions mean nothing. They are goals. They are pressure and it is ALWAYS assumed you won’t stick to them. As well, I looked up the definition to resolution and it confirms my hate for the word.

resolution: an answer or a solution to something

Is resolution a good thing? Heck ya it is. It is an answer or a solution to something. But that suggest there is a problem to me or that something is broken. I don’t have a problem and I am not broken. I don’t want to call my caring about myself a resolution. It sounds so soft and temporary fix.

To me this about a hard and steadfast change to my state of mind. I do struggle with anxiety and I know that when I do it can take me into unhealthy places. I know this so much that I have to be actively vigilant about taking care of me. I also always place my family and usually my friends before myself and end up feeling hungry for something I am lacking because I didn’t put myself first every once in awhile.

No where ever has this been more true in my life than when TN entered it. I have always made the conscious decision to not take medicine for my anxiety issues. But I also know what that means for me. That means I have to deal with my anxiety in natural ways via working out, diet and taking care of myself. When I choose not to I know it. I feel it. My migraines get worse. My body feel horrible. I get sick more easily and feel horrible more easily. I am so tired it is crazy.

So let’s take that bit of knowledge and look at it along side the definition of revolution. I know what is happening in my brain is so much more than a solution.

revolution: a fundamental change in the way of thinking about or visualizing something :  a change of paradigm

It is a fundamental change in the way I think about myself. To take care of my family, my husband and my job I MUST take care of myself. And I am venturing to guess if you are a long time reader you know I have been down this path with me before. I lost 55lbs in 2009-2010. That was a revolution and one I have often thought about late at night when I was trying to fall asleep. It has haunted me where the strength of that woman went.

But then I realized that she isn’t the same person. She had a life that looked virtually unfamiliar and to hold myself to that is absolutely utterly ridiculous. I have lived a life time since then and that is no exaggeration. But deep down in my soul, that strength is only stronger and that is where a revolution is born. It doesn’t go away or dim out like I fooled myself into believing the last year.

Project Less of Me has been and will always be a journey. It may have stops, side tracks or stall out, but it doesn’t end cause life changes. Sometimes I beat myself up for that as if I should be ashamed that I was weak. But I am not. Weakness is not my excuse, it is the kindling to my fire. The physical I have been and will always be able to easily overcome, it is the emotional.

That is revolution at its finest. 

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2 thoughts on “Heaven knows I need a revolution.

  1. Pingback: A bit of the old mom guilt with a side of spring break | Mommy Rhetoric

  2. Pingback: I fought for the whole thing 8 weeks ago… | Mommy Rhetoric

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