Small steps coincide with big gains

This week has been about the mental aspects of losing weight and I believe it is harder than any other part of weight loss. The battle from within. Multiple times this week I found myself comforting my lack of (motivation, high fat foods, energy) with the thought that eventually I could eat that junk again or eventually I could lay off the workouts.

Then I realized that is my flaw. This can’t be for just now. It can’t be for just today. It has to be permanent. The choice to be healthy, eat healthy and feel healthy isn’t a decision you make from Monday-Thursday. It shouldn’t be a just for now thought. But I have spent most of my life living like that and that didn’t work. I even went to bed pouty last night because I felt hungry.

My response when I feel mentally beat is to starve myself. It is to not eat anything. Almost like a stubborn child who refuses to do what they need to do just so they can have some upper hand. But who is that upper hand for? Who will am I battling but my own? My answer is to eat as few as calories as I can and feel okay and I punish me.

Previously in the past I would have taken a similar path but would have been to over eat, so I guess something has changed. But the thought process is not all that different. Being mad, or sad or angry that I even have to think about these things and the punishment for it is to over eat or not eat. Who wins? It certainly is not me.

It doesn’t help that the weight loss has been slower this week. I am not sure why? I haven’t changed my eating. I haven’t changed my activity. In fact, according to my fitbit stats my activity is higher this week than it is normally. So it was a punch in the gut.

And today is STATurday so I got up and measured myself and saw that I lost 4.5 inches. Despite little weight loss I had great loss in body composition and I know in the fitness world that truly has more value than the scale and it maybe true but tell that to my brain.

I am trying to remind myself how good I have felt this week. I have felt so very strong and mentally vibrant. We have moved into the Gamma phase of T25 which focuses more on healthy weightlifting and toning your body. I have never focused on that ever in a workout and it has been enlightening and I love it. I feel healthier and just generally stronger. I also know it ramps up metabolism so I am trying to focus on that.

But I am not going to lie, the mental battle inside is so much harder than the rest. I know I said it already above and I will say it again. I will say it 100,000 times if I need too. No matter how you look on the outside it doesn’t matter if you don’t work on how you feel on the inside.

I find that mentally I am scared of changing or maybe even failing. I am not sure. The issue here is where things can go miserably wrong. I feel like if I say it out loud it gives my doubt a voice and me the ability to move passed it. Weight doesn’t come on over a week or a month.

For me it came on over years and off over years and back on. The only fault for lack of success is my own mental battle. The one that convinced myself I couldn’t. It was too hard. It was too much time. But I will acknowledge today isn’t easy. Tomorrow may not be either. But it won’t get better by giving up. The possibility of success comes from trying. It comes from showing up and finally it comes from leaving it all out there.

Every single day this week during our workouts I felt like I couldn’t do it. I mentally told myself, “You are weak.” But I did it anyway and at the end I felt stronger and I told myself, “You did it.” I showed up and I got further every single day.

This battle will never be easy and it will be a long one. But every day, every meal, every workout I am just a little bit closer.

Every journey begins with a single step. ~ Maya Angelou

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