Less of Me Post of Sorts.

“Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.”
Helen Keller

I usually take my stats week by week or even day by day sometimes. Then other times I forget about them all together. Or I obsess about why this is happening or why that isn’t happening. More importantly I learn that I control very little of it. I do what I can do to make those numbers change and the rest is up to God.

I am trying a lot harder to just love myself. To see the strength and will power that I do have. Those are things I needed to see. It is about more than a diet and I hate the cliched lifestyle statement. I have done both of those. That is not what this is nor has it ever been.

I called it a revolution and it is. But the revolution that is taking place isn’t just doing the next beachbody workout video or trying every vegetable known to man. It isn’t about a costly gym membership or a ticket to the clean eating club.

It is about changing me. The me who gives so very much to others. I do that so much sometimes that at the end of the day I collapse into a ball and realized I never even took time to breath and enjoy all that giving which is really why I do it. Giving is how I show love. But what do I get out of it if I never take the moments necessary to sit back and reflect in what happened?

I have had people tell me what I am doing or how I am living my life isn’t right. Normally, I would respond with hate and anger, but then I started to question why. Is their statement about me or is it more about them? And I know the answer. I teach my girls that every day. When you are unkind to someone to knowingly and purposefully hurt them that says more about you than it could ever say about them. Those are words I utter in my classroom almost weekly.

It is the unintentional hurts that we have to own. And I own that I have unintentionallySunshine hurt myself. I used and abused my body by the way I ate or didn’t exercise.  I did this for so long that it was crying out for this. It was sending up distress signals constantly. Begging for a few moments of sanity in the chaos. A chaos that I gladly welcome in the form of marriage, parenthood and a job that I love.

It is the quote, “Don’t blink or you will miss it.” Believe it or not the choosing to eat and exercise right and write more are where I find my peace.  I can’t say it will be there forever. But I can say I have to fight for that. That moment that keeps me moving from one moment to the next. It lets me reflect on who I am and what I want to be. Life is hard. Life is so hard dang it for all the many reasons you can read on my blog.

But I refuse to be a slave to the, “I can’t do this because….” machine. Because I can. I look back and realize I have made some pretty difficult decisions that some don’t agree with it or I have done things because someone thought I should. But that isn’t happening any more. I am not that person anymore. That belief and sentiment doesn’t just stick because I want it to be true. It takes a physical and mental exercise every day to make it happen.

I will own and each and everything I have done in this life. I will own each and every mistake. I will own each and every hurt to the fullest extent that I can. But never ever can anyone tell me my priorities are not right. Because they are. They always  have been. My faith and my family are first. The only difference here is that I added hating my body a little less to the list.

And clearly it is working…I am making strides. I have lost 33lbs and 18 inches. I have done all of that since January 3rd. I have become more firm in my beliefs and the things that I value and give my time too. So yea, I guess less of me isn’t just about weight on a scale but the baggage I carry for myself.


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