“Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!”
― Jillian Michaels
I don’t need anyone to tell me I did a good job! I know I did.
Nothing better than the laughter that happened today. My soul needed it and relished in every giggly moment. And no I didn’t pay $745 for this skirt. It was close, but….
“[Kids] don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.”
― Jim Henson, It’s Not Easy Being Green: And Other Things to Consider
Went in and did some cleaning in my classroom and had a little bit of heartache cause I miss them already! The last day of school was teach Mrs. E’s something new, so I learned a card game called Garbage. To which the kids were introduced to my competitive side which I rarely let out cause she is mean! This was left for me as a surprise apparently!
I have the need to fix the world. It is burning hot and bright tonight. Tonight at 9pm. I have the irresistible urge to light the world on fire and ignite it fixing all of the world’s wrongs. And I hate that because it isn’t reasonable or even feasible.
I can’t be Wonder Woman and do that all before I have to be ready to take my girls to school in the am and head off to work to finish the school year. It can’t and won’t happen but it isn’t for the lack of desire. Writers block if you will. That is where I am at with my blog.
I can blog all day and everyday the fitness and dieting and how I feel about it all. But you know what I always tell my students when they tell me they have writers block?
“It doesn’t exist. Be brave and say what you are scared to say. Write for yourself and no one else.”
Wise words I suppose till they are pointed directly at you. I have words I want to say, but uttering them gives them life in a way I am not sure I am ready to deal with. Some days writing my truths are easier then others and really the only world I want to save is my own.
I often wonder if the people that are supposed to love you don’t love you does that make you less of a person? Or less lovable? My gut says no, but my gut has been wrong before and will likely be wrong again. And if someone doesn’t love you who cares right?
Clarity in this life is the best and only gift I can give myself. I know what matters and I know what doesn’t. But hurts, world saving, love less people and wrongs in the world. How come I want to fix them? Why do I feel the burden to make the world a better place? It shouldn’t be my burden alone.
So the only world I will be saving tonight and tomorrow is my own. I save it by recognizing that I am only one single human being that deserves love from those who are supposed to love you. But I get to make the terms. That is the tough part. It is finding the clarity to say to yourself, “love yourself first, love others and that saves the world and stops the hurt.”
Love does win, you just have to let it.
My weight loss has slowed. My inch loss has slowed. My muscle mass has gained. Sometimes I get bored with eating some of the thing I try and do on repeat because I know they work for me. This could be the makings for giving up. Notice I said could. But I am not. I will not.
I am instead ramping it up. I have spent the last three weeks running 2-3 times a week. Sometimes I do a 5K program on my phone. Sometimes I try and outpace myself. Sometimes I just walk/jog until I get in my desired mileage.
I am hoping beyond hope that this speeds things back up for me. I am used to losing 2-2.5 lbs a week and last week I lost .5 and 1 inch. That is low for me. I didn’t eat worse. I ate normal minus my anniversary night, but Kpuff said the most wonderful thing to me one time. I believe it was Pinterest wisdom she said, but it worked. You don’t lose all your weight in one work out, so you won’t gain all your weight back in one meal.
And I know this. It truly is a series of choices made on a daily basis that determine the success or failure of my journey. But honestly most of this is a mental battle anyway. That one anniversary meal made me beat myself up for days. One silly meal where my calories for the day were still at a deficit from the amount of burned (the magic losing weight formula). But mentally I made myself into a human punching bag.
I have been trying really hard to gentle with myself when I am like that and do things that make me feel good. Maybe it is buying greener salads (not something I particularly like) or maybe it is running a bit faster pace. Or my favorite an amazing workout with Kpuff. Those tend to bring me up.
Or I snap a shot of me that reminds me of the loss. Today I went for a short run to try and run a bit quicker than I have been (and I did…yeah!) but I set my camera to snap photos of my cool down and stretching. I knew it would get weird angles. But one picture in particular which I will share it captured my neck and my shoulder blades.
This continues to be an area that I look at to remind me of how far I have come. The work has been so hard for me to discredit it because I hate that I am jiggly in my stomach or jiggly in my arms. The one thing that tends to get overshadowed when I focus on that is how stinking healthy I feel.
I feel so good. That is probably the biggest compliment I have gotten over the last few weeks about how healthy I look compared to how I was. And I feel it. My skin radiates my diet and exercise. I feel strong and capable in ways I never was. Or the fact that I can feel my hip bones protruding. Something I don’t remember ever feeling in my lifetime ever (how sad is that?). Or the fact that in this picture you can sink sunken skin where my breast bone is up there? Or that Kpuff and I did an amazing intense work out last night that we would have never even dreamed of trying five months ago? That ALL has to count for something. Especially when I wake up and feel less than.
If you follow me on social media you have seen my tags of #lessofme #lessofmereallyisathing and the second was just born out of the realization that I am doing this. It is damn hard though. The food is easy. I never feel deprived. Bored sometimes yes, but never deprived. The physical is easy. I live for the endorphins of an amazing work out. It is the mind. It is the mind constantly trying to lull me back into a state of laziness so I can hide the real me. The one who has been itching to come out.
I want to say something witty and inspiring because I hear from those of you who read who appreciate my honesty. But honestly this is where my head is at as of late. I am following the mantra of one day at a time or even one meal/workout at a time. I knew the last goal would be the hardest because I know how to do this now and I gotta retrain my brain that it is okay.
So today Kpuff was traveling and I was left to my own devices for my work out. I decided to do an early morning 3 mile run. I have been trying run about twice a week for additional calorie burn and just because I enjoy running.
I am not sure what it was about today in particular but I woke up super hard on myself. I literally woke up beating the crap out of myself mentally. It wasn’t even an attitude of I don’t want to do this. It was an attitude of why do you bother and hating my own body.
But I continued on and put my workout clothes on. I opened the door and just like every other time I make the decision to run opening the door feels freeing. As if I have finally made the choice to take care of me. It is an hour of focusing solely on myself and leaving my troubles behind. It is a competition with myself to do better than last time and more than anything I know that at the end I will feel stronger than I did before I started.
But all of that not today! I got out there and the sun was warm and my body felt light and for a split second I thought today would be good. The sun was shining and it cast a shadow. A shadow that made me do a double take. I didn’t double take cause I had lost all this weight. I double took because I was not impressed with my own shadow.
It made me run a little bit harder and curse myself a little bit more. The thoughts that were running in my head were too much to even type out. So hateful and full of disgust. I cursed myself for eating the food I consumed the day before. And I will be honest, I don’t want to be there and do that.
None of this about that. This is about finding my healthy self and I need to deal with the disgust and hate that creeps up on me like that. I don’t believe I generally feel that way. But I see how these thoughts can be unhealthy and the closer I get to my target weight the more I realize I need to begin to deal with them. If not then all of this is for nothing. I am still not healthy.
I over ate before because I was filling a void, and now I under eat for the exact same reasons. I need to think about it more and dig a little bit deeper. My revolution is a healthy one. It is about coping and dealing with the world that I cannot.
So yes love always wins comes into play again. I gotta find my love for this. I know I love the food I consume now and I love finding all the new foods and ways of eating. I know I love working out and how it makes me feel. Therefore, I gotta use that to fuel my heart and like what I see looking back at me.
That statement right there is my go to to avoid what my students call the feels. The moments sometimes so breathtaking or heartbreaking that you feel the lump crawling into your throat and your eyes begin to water. Eventually, the world knows and see how you really feel. It is vulnerable and maybe what some would call a weakness. I don’t though. I teach with my heart and it goes into every single thing I do.
Sometimes it is the heartbreak and sometimes it is the irresistible feeling of knowing something great just happened. The end of the year always brings that around for me. Come the last day I walk in chest heavy and tight because I know the tears will happen. Usually it is because I know that greatness happened. That lightening in a bottle feel. I have had it before as a college instructor, but now it is multiplied by students whom I have spent my last three years getting to know. Hours upon hours of classes and time spent learning and talking about things in life that sometimes matter a lot and some time don’t matter at all.
The hardest lesson for me has always been the idea that I can’t save them all. It was probably the first lesson I learned and the one I continue to have to learn over and over and over. But I want to I tell myself or If I don’t try who will? And I know it is this very striving that makes me a good teacher. Especially on the ones that others give up on. Not because they didn’t try but because sometimes you have to try harder then them and anyone that teaches knows that this is the quickest way to burn out and hate your job.
But for some reason my soul, my passion and my drive lies with those students. The ones with a metaphorical broken wing. I don’t ever go in believing I will fix them. But I always go in thinking I can be their champion and the one that reminds they can do it no matter their obstacle. That requires a lot of give, and faith and sometimes sadness.
But yesterday, the reality is I had to deal with one of the ones that I won’t/can’t save. I didn’t give up and neither did they. Instead their path just needs to be different and that is hard. It is for the best, but it is just hard. I grieve for the possibilities lost. I grieve at the choice and I grieve for the hope I had. And it doesn’t mean there is no hope. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE I say. But this was one of those times my best teaching lesson was to sit back, say good bye and hope. And yesterday I did that.
And quickly there was reminder, after reminder of that same student that didn’t look all that different but their path is and I was covered in thank yous and hugs and reminders that what I do matters even though sometimes it does break your heart and that even though it is hard sometimes hope will rise and love will win. It just isn’t in my time.