“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”
You see my instagram and probably think I am incredibly comfortable in my own skin. But no. Each of those sweaty daily selfies you see are one of quite a few. One with three fingers placed just in the right places on my face. Places I hate looking at in the mirror. Extra skin. An ugly mole.
Slowly but surely I am getting more comfortable letting the facade drop. I hit another MAJOR goal this weekend. I have three set for weight loss and I hit round two. That means ladies and gentleman I have one more round to go. And to say this scares me is an understatement. What is next? I still hate the things I see. I still struggle seeing and ending.
Regularly I am proving to myself just how strong I am. To me that seems so selfish and self centered especially on a day like today. A day that is about mothers. I have three children and one in heaven and a husband who suffers from chronic pain. And I have time to work out daily? And I have time to snap a daily selfie after said work out? And I have time to shop and prepare all that healthy food? How many times before all of this have I thought “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 100’s.
The reality is I have to make time. I have to try and not feel guilty for putting myself first for just a little bit every day. I have to remember I am raising three girls and that it is my job to show them to not only to care for their bodies, but to love them and push them to their max and prove to themselves every day they are stronger than they can ever imagine.
Too often in the past I have taken that responsibility lightly. But no more. They need to see that to care for others you MUST take care of yourself. This isn’t where I have been the majority of my life. I spent much of that time believing I wasn’t worth the effort or the time.
I hid behind layers of clothing and pounds in hopes of disappearing into nothing. Too often I rewarded myself with foods. Stressful day = pizza or ice cream. Special day = pizza or ice cream. The rewards would be three square meals a day and two snacks.
But not now. Now the rewards are feeling strong. This picture here shows just how strong I feel. I am no where I want and need to be, but damn! I am changing my body right before my own eyes. Those muscles in my legs. My waist is a waist. How can I not feel strong from this.
Instead of seeing this as, “I have to eat….” or “I have to work out…” I now start my sentences “I want to eat this way” or “I want to work out.” That is not just body transformation but mind transformation. And it is my truth.
The hardest part of that though is sharing the whole truth and the more I take down the weight the more embarrassed I become sharing my number because I feel shame. Shame I let things get that bad. Shame I cared so little for myself. And I have so learned it is about so much more than numbers. It is about how I feel. And if you want to know how I feel look at that picture. I feel STRONG. I feel IN CHARGE. I feel like anything is possible. I feel healing.
Want some more proof?
The first picture is December 2014. The second is March 2015. The last is today. A shirt that no longer fits and a jeans I had to hold up with one hand. Ironically as strong and proud as I feel; I hate sharing this. But I want to. I want to be truthful. This is my truth and I have to try and own it.
And my truth is this: If you eat right and take care of your body the rest happens naturally.
Love is winning again. To love myself is to find myself. My truth.