So today Kpuff was traveling and I was left to my own devices for my work out. I decided to do an early morning 3 mile run. I have been trying run about twice a week for additional calorie burn and just because I enjoy running.
I am not sure what it was about today in particular but I woke up super hard on myself. I literally woke up beating the crap out of myself mentally. It wasn’t even an attitude of I don’t want to do this. It was an attitude of why do you bother and hating my own body.
But I continued on and put my workout clothes on. I opened the door and just like every other time I make the decision to run opening the door feels freeing. As if I have finally made the choice to take care of me. It is an hour of focusing solely on myself and leaving my troubles behind. It is a competition with myself to do better than last time and more than anything I know that at the end I will feel stronger than I did before I started.
But all of that not today! I got out there and the sun was warm and my body felt light and for a split second I thought today would be good. The sun was shining and it cast a shadow. A shadow that made me do a double take. I didn’t double take cause I had lost all this weight. I double took because I was not impressed with my own shadow.
It made me run a little bit harder and curse myself a little bit more. The thoughts that were running in my head were too much to even type out. So hateful and full of disgust. I cursed myself for eating the food I consumed the day before. And I will be honest, I don’t want to be there and do that.
None of this about that. This is about finding my healthy self and I need to deal with the disgust and hate that creeps up on me like that. I don’t believe I generally feel that way. But I see how these thoughts can be unhealthy and the closer I get to my target weight the more I realize I need to begin to deal with them. If not then all of this is for nothing. I am still not healthy.
I over ate before because I was filling a void, and now I under eat for the exact same reasons. I need to think about it more and dig a little bit deeper. My revolution is a healthy one. It is about coping and dealing with the world that I cannot.
So yes love always wins comes into play again. I gotta find my love for this. I know I love the food I consume now and I love finding all the new foods and ways of eating. I know I love working out and how it makes me feel. Therefore, I gotta use that to fuel my heart and like what I see looking back at me.