So three weeks ago I needed some peace. Work was crazy. Home life was crazy. I needed to get my daily burn on. I love, love, love listening to music in my ears. So I grabbed my phone, ear phones and told my E clan I was taking a walk. While on that walk I thought, “Hey, wonder if you can run.” I did. I ran a full minute. Not a huge deal, but I remembered something on that run about running and me. And that is the reward for doing it.
The crazy calorie burn is undeniable. The therapy that takes place because you are allowed quiet time to yourself. The strength and self esteem you gather as you overcome things you never thought/dreamed possible. And the crazy endorphins that happen because of a run. I can’t deny any of that.
I have had so many people ask me or even make comments to me about adding running to my revolution. And most though well meaning are judgmental and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty in the revolution is that is it mine. It is no one elses. I do still workout once a day with Kpuff in particularly intense workouts. I do still watch my calorie intake fairly rigidly.
I have never publicly said my weight. I have expressed my loss and the shame for the amount of loss. But I knew and understood once my journey reached this point it was going to be THAT much harder. My body is used to this way of life now and any one that knows fitness and weight loss knows that you have to confuse your body sometimes to keep it burning and moving in the correct direction.
What I didn’t expect in that was the mental hardness. The reasons I am on this journey which have nothing to do with a scale, or what size clothes I wear. There are the scars on my heart that have left me grabbing for the ridiculous unhealthy foods that covered and masked hurts that I didn’t want to deal with. Scars that I placed there after years of telling myself I wasn’t good enough.
And no this is not some magical plea for a complete scattered mess of a life. In fact, it is just the opposite. My life is the healthiest physically and mentally that it ever has been. But all that food, and the weight it covered up are things I didn’t necessarily want to think about. The biggest is the need to put everyone else before myself and looking for validation that from everyone else that surrounds me, but myself.
That is why I run. It isn’t a journey I can share. It isn’t a journey that someone can go on with me. It is proving to myself that I can and I will do this. I mentioned in one of my less of me posts that I started a category on the blog titled one last thing. I always say my weight and health as that one last thing that I couldn’t but wanted to overcome. I believed by all accounts every single thing in this world I have set my mind to do I have have done.
Sometimes I stand in awe of the strength I have to set my mind to something and do it. But for me this weight thing I just could not. In my three weeks of running I have realized the reason I couldn’t was because no one could push me through it. I had to push myself through it. I do a good job at work, I get a reward on my evaluation. I do good job as a mother, wife and friend and I get validation.
But no one is with me on a run. No one is with me as I stand on the scale and no one is with me as make the choices for my food intake. That is me. And I have realized there is no bigger critic of myself than me and I must stop that. For me running fulfills that need and it is a constant reinforcement that even the smallest decisions I make daily can change the outcomes.
I thank God every single day for Kpuff because if there is any part of this journey I can share it is with her. Most of time we are working out to hard to even talk, but we always show up. And even some days when we want to do anything but, we still manage to muddle through. If I didn’t have all those weeks of pushing ourselves never ever would I have even begun to deal with the rest of this revolution.
I am so very close. Ideally, I would like to lose 20-25 more pounds. People gasp when I say that, but I know that puts me where I can maintain a healthy weight. I have already been working really hard to deal with life in maintenance mode so I don’t slip back. And all of this is for that.
And everyday I run I notice one thing happens…my thoughts toward myself get kinder and kinder. I recognize the real me more and more.