The day came and went.

Can I tell you how many times I have gone shopping with the idea and intent to get a few new pieces of clothing to get me through this last phase? I honestly have lost count. But it was getting bad. Workout stuff is way more  

 forgiving because it is tight and often come in small, medium or large. But actual sizes scared me. Like it or not there is an emotional tie to those numbers and we know what they mean. 

I was avoiding so much that I convinced myself that I looked good in my super baggy shirts and shorts. And maybe I did, but it was getting bad enough to that keeping my pants up was becoming an issue. Literally every piece of clothing I had was uncomfortable and felt like a drape. There was a family party yesterday so it was just motivation I needed to push it. 

I hate trying on clothes and a lot of that has to do with seeing myself in the mirror. And the disappointment of not changing sizes or sometimes worse going up sizes. I have been through and done that all. But again it was a necessity. I walked into the store and found a pair of shorts I liked and grabbed all the various sizes I thought I could be. 

  The best news of the day was I was the smallest size I grabbed and I would be perfectly happy if I could just go down two more sizes. But the size that I am I am so grateful for. The fact that I am size that many women would like is not lost on me. But the pride I felt in that moment was palpable. 

When I got home and got my new clothes on I felt weird constricted. In the past I have used my own body to hide myself and then for the longest time I used the baggy clothes. That is why it isn’t ironic that I was so excited to take a picture with my guy yesterday and the second I saw it I absolutely hated what I saw. In a matter moments I dismissed 6 hard months of work. 

But that is just it. This journey isn’t over. It is over when I can like what I see. I am not ready to share my numbers.  And by my numbers I mean sizes and actual numbers. I imagine when that day comes that will be when I have reached my destination. And maybe I need to decide what that is. I know what it is physically, but I need to figure out the rest. 

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