Can I tell you how many times I have gone shopping with the idea and intent to get a few new pieces of clothing to get me through this last phase? I honestly have lost count. But it was getting bad. Workout stuff is way more
I was avoiding so much that I convinced myself that I looked good in my super baggy shirts and shorts. And maybe I did, but it was getting bad enough to that keeping my pants up was becoming an issue. Literally every piece of clothing I had was uncomfortable and felt like a drape. There was a family party yesterday so it was just motivation I needed to push it.
I hate trying on clothes and a lot of that has to do with seeing myself in the mirror. And the disappointment of not changing sizes or sometimes worse going up sizes. I have been through and done that all. But again it was a necessity. I walked into the store and found a pair of shorts I liked and grabbed all the various sizes I thought I could be.
The best news of the day was I was the smallest size I grabbed and I would be perfectly happy if I could just go down two more sizes. But the size that I am I am so grateful for. The fact that I am size that many women would like is not lost on me. But the pride I felt in that moment was palpable.
When I got home and got my new clothes on I felt weird constricted. In the past I have used my own body to hide myself and then for the longest time I used the baggy clothes. That is why it isn’t ironic that I was so excited to take a picture with my guy yesterday and the second I saw it I absolutely hated what I saw. In a matter moments I dismissed 6 hard months of work.
But that is just it. This journey isn’t over. It is over when I can like what I see. I am not ready to share my numbers. And by my numbers I mean sizes and actual numbers. I imagine when that day comes that will be when I have reached my destination. And maybe I need to decide what that is. I know what it is physically, but I need to figure out the rest.