Finding me…

The most desperate parts of this journey haven’t happened when I contemplated should I eat that brownie or eat more of that pasta. For me that is the easy stuff and the hard stuff lies in that next work out or breaking a sweat. It is embracing what my body is capable of and not capable of. It is the voice inside my head that wants to shout to quit or you look stupid. It is comparing myself with the person next to me. It is the voice that tells me I am not worth the time and the effort. It is convincing myself I don’t need that validation from anyone but myself.

If you saw my short post on mommy rhetoric on facebook you saw me address some fitness naysayers who argue that people use social media to manipulate their audiences into seeing things that are not there or through various filters of as if some of those are misrepresentations of truth. I have seen them too! I have also seen and heard many people that have proclaimed to take a selfie of progress as if it were vain or something bad.

I will just go on record for saying I am completely selfish in my motives for posting the selfies I do. If you follow me on instagram you know I know the selfie game. I am admittedly new but I will admit I would credit it for some of my success. It is accountability to me. If you don’t see one every once in awhile please  give me a nudge! But I also like to look back at the pictures and I feel a huge sense of pride in the accomplishments of the day. They are small victories that added together create big ones. That dear readers is for me. But finally if it helps someone else out there or inspires them then yea! That is why I do it. It isn’t filter or pretty. In fact, when I look back at some of them it feels darn right gross. But how do I know how far I have come if I don’t look back at where I have been.

I am trying a whole lot less to hate what I see in the mirror. I am trying to love what God gave me. I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin and when I look at the compilation of those pictures that is exactly what I see. The smile on my face…it is becoming real. The feeling of having a hard work out and knowing I made it through. I have captured every single moment, the easy and hard ones. Me throwing my “e gang” sign is a sign of love winning. My showing my sweaty messy self is beautiful. Don’t believe me? Watch what happens….

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What is happening on its own is a smile. A girl who is becoming incredibly comfortable in her skin when she is probably in one of the most uncomfortable spots she has ever been in in her life. It is easy to do things for others and get validation from the world. But when you have to do it for yourself and learn to find that validation from your toughest critic…..That is hard. That is love. True and honest self love. I am finding it. Love is winning and so is less of me. The battle has never been easy, but I like showing up every single day!

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