I am not a failure…

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
Winston S. Churchill

I am making a confession on the blog today because I promised I won’t filter this journey. I won’t sugar coat it or make any of it seem like it is easy because this revolution has been anything but. But I am going to start off by saying I have failed. I refuse to feel bad for it too. All I have done is replace one bad habit for another and what you are witnessing is me struggling to find my way. And I won’t lie. This has been my biggest hurdle in my revolution. I would rather do 1000 hot, sweaty, hard workouts (with burpees) than deal with my current battle.

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And you wonder what that battle is right? Or what bad habit it is. You see my posts on instagram or my latest blog entry and think my struggle doesn’t feel like much of a struggle because this life seems to fit me. And it does. But here is the struggle I cannot eat enough. I am literally starving myself. No I am not talking about eating disorder starving myself. I am talking about I cannot consume enough food for how much I burn. I have been here for about 4 weeks now. I make small increases. The 21 Day fix extreme helps with a guide, but here is where old habits die hard. Instead of overeating like I did before, I am now under eating. This week on the extreme I have literally found myself opting out of food altogether because my option was unappealing because I am so full. That WILL NOT solve anything or make the scale move. I logically know this.

I have tried continually to remind myself that I work this hard so I can eat more. But I also logically know that my success and my body has been shaped and is being shaped by the foods I eat. I am not sure of the magical answer here. I stopped following the Extreme not because I doubted its success but because a week in and my eating hasn’t changed. I still cannot eat all of my containers in a day. I discovered Spark People app which is kinda of nice because you can track food and exercise and it tells you exactly how much you need to consume based on activity to lose weight. It makes it a no-brainer. And I still cannot eat enough.

Last night I splurged at a birthday dinner for baby girl # 2 and birthday cake. I get home and put it in and says, “You still need to consume another 768 calories to lose weight today. I felt defeated. I feel defeated. I am not sure the magical answer here. I mean I know I could quit running, but I am telling you all….I have absolutely no desire to do that. My running has been the best therapy I have had in years and if you all could see the things I work through when I run you would get it. I imagine all my “baggage” being left behind me on the road. My self-esteem has soared.

I know this is just a bump and I know the scale may not be making huge strides but my muscles are. But I gotta figure this out. I am not sure of the magical answer. All I know is I have no desire to feel ridiculously full and pukey because I have eaten so much. I also know I have no desire to give up any activity. I am standing around 1100-1200 calories a day on average and I am trying hard to up it in small doses. I have intentionally not stepped on the scale but I feel it. And throughout this I have lost inches and I am proud of those losses.

But I won’t lie. I am not happy here. I know I should grateful for such a large loss of weight and being the size I am. But I want more. I have more to go to get me where I want. It isn’t much, but it does need to happen. So yesterday I was wearing a beloved workout outfit that I took a pic of me in a little over a month ago. I loved the way I felt in it and I loved the sass and confidence I feel wearing it, so when I had it on yesterday I decided to do a side by side because I pretty much took it right when the slow down began to occur.

I took it and begged my # 2 to come in and see it. She is always honest. She cannot lie. That is our joke. Plus in this whole journey she has been so incredibly honest and sometimes to the point of being brutal but I have needed it. I showed her this picture.

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She immediately said, “Yes, mom there is a huge difference.” And then the conversation attracted #1 who came in almost mad at me and said, “Gosh Mom, don’t you see the difference?” And I answered back my logical answer and said, “Well yes. I know I am getting leaner and more compact, but I just wish it was coming off as quickly as before.” She went on to say she remembered the last time I wore a shirt I had on earlier and how when she saw me she couldn’t get over how big it was. So I guess changes are happening. I just wish I could be more patient and peaceful with the process.

When I was pregnant with my # 3 (it took me three kids to realize this) I realized how much of my previous pregnancies I spent worrying on things out of my control and time I wasted just enjoying the miracle I was a part of. That I pretty much remained hands off. I sat back and enjoyed the pregnancy and all its marvels. Then I found out I had a blood disorder that was essentially attacking my # 3 but again I sat back and trusted that my body knew what to do. It had done it before and it would do it again and that all would be fine and it was. It actually exceeded expectations.

So here I am again. I eat right and I need to trust the process and that my body knows what it is doing. I am not eating junk and I am doing the absolute best I can not to push myself too hard on exercise. If it feels too much I don’t do it. I don’t ever want this process to not be fun and for me to hate food or exercise. That is the most amazing part of this all. I have come to absolutely love sweating and the feeling of getting my heart rate up. I love lifting weights and feeling stronger physically and mentally. I have loved showing my girls how to properly punch. I have loved learning all the new foods I would have never ever tried. I have loved finding foods that fuel my body and nourish me healthily.

This is just a simple reminder that for me eating clean, training hard will inspire and create results. The real lesson is the patience I need to trust that the process is and will work. It is just not on my time. It is about being persistent which I am. Also a reminder again that the process is so much more mental than physical.

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