Not sure if you can read that but 8 weeks ago my guy went for a run and as he was running I began to wonder if I could actually run. Kpuff and I used to do it quite regularly. I sat out on a adventure in my neighborhood and I struggled to run even a minute at a time. But I did it. I proved how far I had come since January. I never outwardly called it a New Year’s resolution. I still won’t. In fact, sometimes I refer to it as My Revolution (per my # 1) because in January after about two months of painful dental work, looking in the mirror and feeling like crap I realized things had to change. I was afraid though. It was so scary. I am not sure why because all it was was getting up and moving and trusting myself. It was thinking more about the things I put into my body.
I knew it needed to happen because my weight had ballooned over 200lbs. I have never said that out loud. Since I was kid 200 always had been in my mind as my stopping point. The point at which I say enough is enough. Earlier in 2014, I decided I would just live the life of an over 200lber and find my happiness. But then I see pictures of myself and I know that I was trying to convince myself that I was happy despite the universe telling me I wasn’t. I literally spent last summer trying to not sweat and no I am not joking. I am currently still on a weekly fluoride treatment to save my teeth from all the years of pop and abuse with poor dieting. Trying to save my teeth. But something in me changed when I stepped on the scale and saw 210. I text Kpuff that night asking if she was interested in trying something with me.
I cry thinking of how supportive she has always been to me and of course she quickly responded with, “Sure, Where do you want to do it?” When we were working out before she tried to get me to work out with her in the basement. I resisted on this idea it had to be done in a gym (not dogging gyms here you will see). I told her can we try the basement workouts and then see what we think and decide. I was giving us both an out. But what happened was magic. I loved the workouts because I could give my absolute all and not worry about how I looked or having an audience if I failed miserably. Before I knew it we had graduated from T25 and moved onto just random programs which I love the switch up. We threw 21 day fix in there after some progress physically and I taught myself how to eat and Kpuff again supported me and loved me up the whole way. I seemed to figure out the magical answer to weight loss for me. Portions. Good calories and physical activity. I found myself needing to heal whatever emotionally took place that allowed me to get this bad.
In May I began to run. I do my daily workouts with Kpuff and I give it 110% every single workout and then the running began to give me time to work on how and why I was staring at 210 on the scale. I am not sure that journey is entirely over. But what began to happen was I began to support myself and see and touch my own limits. I began to become my very own cheerleader and letting love win for me. I preach it, sometimes it is harder to live it. I downloaded a 5k program and began to train on it and would still run/walk daily to ensure I got the time to myself. Sometimes I listen to music (Eminem of course) and sometimes I listen to podcasts or Ted Talks. No matter what I have in my ears it is something that is making me feel better about myself.
The battle has been hard fought and it so far from over. But what has happened since starting my Revolution is I have come out of my shell. I started this process wanting to be inward and not have anyone witness this. To wanting to share it with the world and sometimes unintentionally sharing it with the world. And I am not dogging gyms but there was a huge value to me to see that all of my fitness has taken place within a mile of my home. I can say that because Kpuff lives about a half a mile from me. As well, all of my runs have been within a mile of my own home.
Along the way I have had neighbors come out and high five me and congratulate me for doing this. I have had many neighbors come out and compliment me on perseverance and focus by running in all elements and temps and being dedicated to it daily. They now get worried about me if they don’t see me. I have had teenagers make fun of me and I have had the mean neighbor lady who seems quite determined to run me over with her car. Each time I feel like she wants to play chicken as I round her drive way and she is pulling in. The bigger point here is I run with the possibility of others seeing me and not being ashamed of my body. This is huge for me.
But yesterday was a big day. Or I thought it would be. I knew I had one day left of my 5K program I have been working on for 6 weeks. It was running 3 miles without stopping. I thought the magic was in the air. Kpuff and I have been testing Insanity Max30 which is killer and I always put our workouts above my runs. So this weeks runs have been more jogs and walks and I was completely fine with it. But we took our rest yesterday so we could take kiddos to the pool. I thought for sure I would graduate the program last night because of the day of rest sitting by the pool. Then my guy said he wanted to sit outside and asked if it would be okay since I was running. I have a huge phobia of him seeing me workout and I am not sure. I kinda got over it last week when he saw me for a few and I threw an upper cut at him. But this was him sitting in our driveway and watching each and every lap.
It had the makings of one of those Rocky movie moments. I just knew it would happen. I was half way into my 4 lap run and I began to feel so gross. I felt pukey. I tried to push passed and as I ran passed him I waved. And I headed into the third lap and I made it to what I have deemed puke point. There have been a few times where I was sure I would barf and this is away from everyone and in a ditch. My stomach was in so much pain so I turned around. I walked back and my guy was so shocked to see me. I began to cry because I couldn’t hide my disappointment from him.
I did grab my phone which is a weird time to take a photo but I want to be sure I document this whole journey because it is NOT easy and I have worked so hard for each and every gain and loss. I snapped a photo. It was a raw moment. I felt disappointed. I was determined to sit for a few and let my stomach settle and took a tums and gave it 20 and tried again and immediately the stomach acid came up. I just quit. I went back and grabbed my puppy and took her for a walk and decided I would try again this AM.
I woke up determined. I am an English teacher so I relish often in the symbolism in life. The fact that today is the fourth of July and celebrates freedom felt like the perfect day to make this happen. And guess what…it did. I went out there and unlike my last run where I had to constantly tell myself to “handle it” and play Eminem over and over I did not have too. I went out there and remembered Shaun T’s advice. He always says, “When you feel like you want to quit, do more.” So I did more. I ran three miles ladies and gents. I beat my program and I went one step further and didn’t stop when it said I could. I kept running determined to run the full 5k without my warm ups in there. That moment is exactly why I have to do this. I have to do it because what it is doing for me emotionally far outweighs the physical aspects of weight loss. I am proving I can rely on myself and the things my body can do. I already downloaded the proceeding 10K app and I am not stopping. I am not going for a marathon.I am going for constantly proving to myself I can go so much further than I ever believed I could.
And with that since I have shared where I started this journey I am also going to share where it is now and my goals going forward. Please forgive me for such a long post but I have a lot to say and my weight loss posts where I overcome continually get my highest views. So it is time for reality and being even more accountable to myself and to you guys.
My Gains and Losses
- 210lbs 1/3/15 –> 164lbs as of 7/4/15
- Size 20 and XL –> Size 6 and M and Small in some things
- 36 inches lost (including additions for muscle gains)
- Run for less 1 minute to running 3 miles
- I would like to weigh 145lbs (healthy weight for me according to my doctor)
- I would like to be in the healthy category in my BMI
- I would like to run 5 miles continuously
- I would like to complete Insanity Max 30
- I would like to have arm muscles and no wings with stretched out skin
- I would like to walk/run/jog 150 miles in July