Me, me, me!

Holychangesbatman1I am not gonna lie, sometimes I get so tired of always coming on here talking about myself. This is a huge part of my world and I hope it stays that way forever. But please don’t imagine me passing by every mirror taking another selfie to show off my work. I notice I do it when I feel like I need a boost. Sometimes that is often, sometimes it is not.

So much of this journey is steeped in vanity and self esteem. Both are things I have never really experimented with healthily. Instead, they were often riddled with self hatred and digust at what was looking back at me. Covered up or strategically placed to hide the things about myself that I loathed the most. I still loath quite aHolychangesbatman2 bit of that.

My momma pooch. I doubt it goes anywhere. I am thinking we are building a lifelong friendship that is just now based on saggy loose skin and countless stretch marks. My jiggly arms that again house much of the same negative side effects of a large weight/inch loss #. The skin under my chin, my thighs…oh my gosh my thighs.

And all of that to say that I can still just easily pick out the things I hate about my body. But when I see that selfie in the mirror
and I see where I have come from all the sudden I see my arms taking shape and getting there slowly. Or I see my momma pooch becoming more defined and my hip bones protruding more.

The selfies though, they don’t show how when I sit on a flat surface now my butt bones kill me. This is a new thing. It literally
hurts. They don’t show when I sit in a chair or a stand up and look down that I can see passed my own body. They don’t show that in the tops I wear the same size at my oldest daughter. That isn’t vanity or high self esteem. That is my truth. That is weight/inch loss. That is the stuff that my selfies remind me off.

holychangesbatman3But more than anything I share them so publicly here so that I can be accountable to all of you. I can be accountable to myself and so that you all know I am here and I am being real. I am not giving you the tried and true answers to finding your happiness. But I am showing you that for the last two years my world was blown apart and I let myself and my care of myself fall by the wayside. I convinced myself I was not important enough and I didn’t have time.
And truthfully, it happened long before that. I flirted with the idea of change but I never truly committed to making myself a holychanges1priority. That doesn’t mean if you aren’t in a weight loss struggle you aren’t making yourself a priority. What it does mean is it is so important that we as Moms, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts, teachers, accountants, sales women and soccer players make ourselves a priority. The more we give to others eventually you get to the point where there is nothing left for anyone.

So taking five minutes, a half an hour a day to give yourself the gift of time and fill it. Fill it with something you love. Drawing, belly dancing, gardening, running or writing. We have got to do it for all of them. We can’t be there for them if we aren’t there for ourselves. For me before this, that time was spent eating brownies, drinking pepsi and praying and hoping I could keep going without it catching up to me and it did.

holychanges2Then I saw myself in the mirror. I was married to a chronically ill husband that needed me, I was the mom to three girls who needed me and I was a teacher who was spreading herself too thin. Then I got a smack of reality and suddenly it clicked. I don’t know your answer and I wouldn’t dare tell you how to live. But I do know you are worth it. We are all worth it.

If you don’t let love win, you often end up broken and empty. Love always wins. It will find a way. Love is whatever you define it as. For me right now it is learning to love my body. 

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