Is this my life?

Gah with so many changes in literally every aspect of my life I feel like some one went and pulled the rug out from under me. Every where I look there is something different. Every thing I touch and feel is different. For this OCD sufferer that is the great creation of much anxiety. Thankfully, my OCD has been very well managed for many years now, so I can more easily anticipate the ebbs and flows of life and move past them.

My guy changing his job has been surprisingly calm. He is so much happier and more supported. Our schedules have all had to adjust and move around to accommodate but we have made it work. The part we didn’t anticipate was the reaction to it. I think it is just what my guy needed to see and feel. Teachers make an impact on the world (can be good or bad), but knowing that what you did positively changed others lives is such a reward for this job. It does make us all sad, but we also know that the level of stress has diminished greatly which hopefully means his TN symptoms can remain diminished once he is out of his seasonal remission.

The weight, the hair and the obvious physical changes are pulling on me so hard. I am finding myself screaming in my head I am the same person. I kid not when I say I can’t really go anywhere in public without someone noticing and saying something. And while I do appreciate the acknowledgement for the hard work I am running out of things to say. More than anything I get asked, “My secret” and my secret is always kind of disappointing.  I eat good and exercise a lot is always met with a sullen, “oh”.

I am also finding raising teenagers to be a bit tougher these days for very personal reasons that I don’t necessarily want to share publicly. But I found myself kinda cocky on raising them thinking it has been incredibly easy and now it is not maybe so much. Thankfully, I work with teenagers that helps, but the heart hurts much more when they are related. If only we could keep em small and safe and protected forever.

I even got a new car. The good news is I see no bad in any of these changes whatsoever. None of them are going to drag any of us down. Instead, they will continue us on the path of purpose and fulfillment and letting love win and that is will always be my goal.

I just know one thing, I am so very grateful I get to walk this planet with my guy who holds my hand a little tighter when the world is a little scarier. It never fails I look over fearful of tomorrow and he squeezes tighter and we move on.


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